Extra toppings are the culinary equivalent of a SWAT team's stun grenades: they're extras, designed to distract you from the pain about to hit your face. You'd never willingly eat cylinders of reprocessed rat and cockroach paste, but if you're given twenty choices of mustard, you'll queue up for a hot dog. But how many toppings are too many toppings? That's what I wanted to find out, by eating food with EVERYTHING ON IT.
THE WAGLAMBEEF THANKSBURGER!
McDonald's offers an awful lot of options, but that's awful as in "extremely unpleasant." Trying to get extra toppings, or to deviate from the menu at all, is like arguing with a Star Trek computer about morality -- it won't work, it might kill them, and it'll take at least 45 minutes.
That's when I remembered the best burger bar in the city...
Its full legal name is "Burger Bar and Tequila Tavern." I like to think the neighbours moved out because they were vegetarians and pansies (repetition).
...and their indescribable OMGTJMKM burger.
Even their menu doesn't so much describe it, as THREATEN it
That's not just a burger, that's the Charge of the Light Brigade in coronary form: a gloriously suicidal epic only attempted by the bravest, the manliest, and tautologically, the stupidest. It regularly features in Toronto newspaper columns "Worst Things On Earth For You" lists, somewhere above nuclear weapons with leprosy.
Anyone who can look at the OMGTJMKM burger and think of calories is someone who'd tell their kids Santa Claus suffers from heart disease, so they can skip buying presents next year.
But this is ZUG! We called awesome burgerologist Brock (who helped hop us up during the Martini Madness experiment) and asked if he could make it BIGGER.
HE DID
That's the original burger up-armored with layers of lamb and a shield of Wagyu beef, which is like enhancing an M1A1 tank with two layers of landmine and napalm: AWESOME.
The multi-stuffed patty was inspired by the Turducken, this being Thanksgiving weekend, making this the WAGLAMBEEF THANKSBURGER!
"Dear God, what have I done?"
The serving staff stood around to watch me try to cram it into my mouth, or perhaps to witness my sacrifice to the Burger Gods. It's far too predictable and stupid for me to say I sprained my jaw, making it all the stupider that that actually happened. I never saw it coming, which is understandable considering my entire view was filled with deliciously dead animal.
"Exceeds dimensions of human face" is a design flaw most food dreams of
This looks more like the burger opening its jaw to eat me.
From the first moment, the burger was shedding kidney beans and chili, and leaking more runoff than a mid-sized industrial city. Pulling out the stabilizing stick was like the Romans spotting the Vandals coming over the seventh hill. It was like eating the Fall of Civilization: an incredible tower of unbelievable accomplishment collapsing under its own ludicrous weight.
Hurling myself at it was like trying to eat a mountain - I was grinding bits away but definitely doing far more damage to my own physical form. This wasn't just a different flavor in every mouthful. This was a different flavor in every mouth movement. Each bite contained more species than the average Ark, and each shift as my tongue struggled through the minced zoo in my mouth triggered four new species intermingled in ways which would make the Marquis de Sade blush.
We had to move to a second plate as the fluids were dissolving the first.
Only a third of the way in the thing had already shed more weight than the entire cast of Biggest Loser. The crumbs were a meal by themselves, and we're talking "Italian family reunion meal." The only way to describe it is "delicious hilarity."
Brock pointed out that the burger was whole wheat, "because it's important to stay healthy," though the lower bun was so compressed by the layers above that it was well on the way to forming a patty of pure diamond. Which would have been less valuable than this incredible burger, and probably less damaging to eat.
Like the Earth's crust but more impressive
I went into this experiment expecting horror and impossibility, but can now die happy because I ate this burger. And probably considerably sooner, for the same reason.
Please continue to Part 2: Pizza Time!
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