The Everything On It Experiment, Part 3
A comedy article
by Luke McKinney  11,193  112
10/15/2010 10:50 PM 5845 views
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I'm parodying the Western obsession with food: I've already eaten a burger tall enough to reach into space (Part 1), and a pizza which could seed a new world when we got there (Part 2). Now it's time for dessert.
By this point, my system had processed more random food matter than a McDonald's factory, and probably looked even worse inside. I felt like Karra the Hutt, Jabba's cannibal uncle, and walked at 45 degrees the entire trip to the ice cream store.
Ice Cream Overload
This is the closest I've come to blasphemy in an experiment. Greg's Ice Cream is a Canadian treasure: they do this crazy thing where their strawberry ice cream actually tastes like strawberries instead of "the red ice-cream flavor," because it's got strawberries in it. Which sounds simple, until you find they do the same thing with "Roasted Marshmallow." Desecrating this ice cream may be the hardest thing I've ever done.
Sorry, Greg
I knew I was in for trouble when I explained my order for every single topping and the server asked "Are you sure?" Working behind a counter in a confectionery store is not a career that promotes dietary concern. When even the guy with the job description "dispense sugar and fat" double-checks, this may be the last thing you ever do.
He shook his head, then served my single-kiddie-one-scoop not in a large bowl, but in the half-liter tub they use for take-away.
Take a good look, because that's the last we'll see of it
He then walked around the store adding things from every single basket, shelf, fridge, jar, flask, and compartment in the store. If anything in the building was capable of containment, he emptied it into my bowl - I should count myself lucky he didn't take it to the bathroom or live next door to the Ghostbusters.
Hey, this looks pretty good. Wait, he's off getting stuff from the back.
This looks like toxic waste, and with those ingredients it probably counts as it too.
My first mouthful was a warm-fudge-sprinkle-crunched chunk of pineapple, and the fact those words can turn horrible is the first proof of PLUS times PLUS equals MINUS. This concoction is so foul it breaks math.
The whipped-cream syrup was like a bowl of warm Oompa Loompa vomit. One of the ingredients was warm fudge, bringing everything up to "stomach temperature," so after every mouthful my own stomach was screaming "Someone else has already eaten this and I can see why they sent it back!"
Looks like runoff form the My Little Pony Rainbow Sparkles Glue Plant
The appalling syrup sludge was liquid diabetes.
In this photo you might notice I'm married. You might also have to tell her I love her.
Finding the small nugget of actual ice cream in the sea of sugar-sick was like digging the Holy Grail out of a diaper landfill. One precious moment of joy, even as the spoonful of flavor was dissolved by the sugarcidal compounds created around it.
After that, I had to dig through the rest of the sludge with no hope of enjoyment. The only intentionally solid matter was chemically-molested chunks of strawberry, but the horrific syrups, nay, serums were interacting so strongly things were emerging on my spoon like mutants crawling out of a nuclear accident.
Tell me that doesn't look like it's going to burst open. Then the burstee jumps on your face and shoves a proboscis down your throat. AND THAT TASTES BETTER.
The ice cream bowl had become a Lovecraftian cauldron, with more colors than an equality seminar held on a rainbow. It was a plastic crucible where good things and bright colors went to die, then respawn as the twisted opposites to love and joy.
And I finished it.
Candy Chernobyl.
May some god forgive me, for my stomach never will.
You can also help Luke enjoy some Space Porn, be driven to alcohology by NES games, or learn how to make money writing about games (not a scam. It's part of my job!)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.3
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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Nemephosis 209  5
10/19/2010 10:26 PM
Looks like you're eating the BP oil spill.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Declan McManus, as Gomez Addams 131,891 36
10/19/2010 10:34 PM
Neph-whatever
That is the post of the week, if not the post of the month.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Nemephosis 209 5
10/20/2010 02:09 AM
Thank you, I appreciate that! :D High praise from one as yourself :)
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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panicBoy 313 9
10/20/2010 07:56 AM
If they give out Pulitzers for "Best Friggin' Sentence Ever," then it ought to go straight to the dude who wrote, "The whipped-cream syrup was like a bowl of warm Oompa Loompa vomit."
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