In a recent study, cereal was determined to be the best food ever created. This study was done in my house, when no one else was home, but I think its results are still valid.
Cereal makes up 30-40% of my daily caloric intake, and is responsible for at least two of my daily servings of froot. Sure, compressed flour and sugar make for great cereal. My question was, what else would make for great cereal? And even more interesting: what would make for terrible cereal?
The timing was perfect for this experiment. My wife was going out of town for the weekend, so I could see what it would be like to spend three straight days by myself, eating nothing but insane cereals. I don't know what that says about me, when I have a weekend to myself, and my first instinct is "Time for cereal!" I personally think it says something awesome.
The experiment starts where most work weeks should: Friday.
Cereal Experiment #1: Bacon Bits
Despite my love for it, I rarely eat cereal in the morning. Usually I'm too sleepy to go to that incredible effort, so my usual breakfast consists of a granola bar, Fruit Roll Ups, and soda.
Even more than cereal, the best food to have for breakfast (notice I said "for," not "with") is bacon. However, going to the effort of cooking it is way too much work, not to mention the hazards of spattering grease.
So, I went for the next best thing: bacon bits. I poured a nice big bowl, added the milk, and dug in.
These were cheaper than Baco's, since they save money by getting rid of the "O"
At first, the bacon bits appeared like they could pull off their role as cereal; they even looked like flesh-colored Grape Nuts. However, their ability to stay crunchy in milk was non-existent. Within seconds, the Bac'n Pieces had turned to Bac'n MuShakespeare essentially became a cold, meaty oatmeal. Wilford Brimley would not approve.
Ignore the irony of wearing a "Meat is Murder" shirt while eating bacon
The pervasive, smoky meat flavor didn't make for the most pleasant milk-drinking. The flavor a cereal gives the milk is always an important factor, and bacon bits just did not work. I know making things bacon-flavored is all the rage right now, but bacon milk is something I don't see catching on.
In fairness, this is probably more appetizing than Banana Quik
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #2: Pork Rinds
For lunch, I decided to stick with the high-protein theme. I thought pork rinds might work better as a cereal, but keep in mind this is in comparison to baconf‚, so it's possible.
They misspell "bacon" to include the word "bake," yet they're fried. I'm confused.
I had never eaten pork rinds before, since, well, they're the fried skin of a pig. However, I thought their puffy and crispy texture would make them an ideal candidate for making the switch from bag to bowl.
Squeal like a pig, cereal!
Boy, was I wrong. It can now safely be said that dried or puffed meats just don't work as cereal. When in the milk, they kept their puffy shape, but any semblance of crispiness was gone. They took on the horrifying texture of a firm interior surrounded by mushy slime. Also, they were flavored like spicy pig.
While it would be easy to make a cartoon spokesanimal for a spicy pork rind cereal (a pig in a devil costume, holding a spoon instead of a pitchfork -- you're welcome, ad agencies), the actual cereal probably wouldn't sell very well. Maybe if Atkins was still popular.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Meaty and zesty
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Cereal Experiment #3: Wasabi Peas
After all that meat, I thought it might be a nice idea to get in a serving of vegetables.
Officially endorsed by Asian Monopoly Man.
Wasabi peas are one of my favorite work snacks, since they're one of the less nutritionally-terrible things I eat. I can eat a ton of them pretty mindlessly, and my body tells me when to stop, in the form of a violent, burning stomachache.
Since they're very crispy, I thought they would hold up to milk. And their shape is very cereal-esque.
At first, things were going well. The peas were staying crunchy, and the milk did a good job of keeping the wasabi from being too overwhelming. It actually stayed pretty crunchy throughout the whole bowl, although the flavor did seem to get a bit washed out as it went along.
Full of green pea-ness.
I found out the reason for this when I drank the resulting milk. The milk was slowly washing the wasabi coating off the peas. Therefore, the milk had turned into, basically, liquid wasabi. So that wasn't too pleasant.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Nostril Clearing
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #4: Skittles
Later in the day, I decided to have something sweet. I already had a serving of vegetables, now it was time for a serving of fruit.
Breakfast of diabetic champions.
I thought Skittles would hold up to the milk well, since their shell would protect them. But within minutes, the milk was washing all of the dye off the Skittles, leaving them a rather unappealing grayish-tan.
When "tasting the rainbow" means "ingesting a day and a half's worth of sugar"
Instead of staying their usual, chewy texture, the cold milk had turned them rock-hard. So every bite was a form of exercise (an added bonus), struggling through the near-impenetrable shell to get to the now incredibly tough interior.
I have absolutely no idea what those white specks are. Maybe the S's washed off.
On the bright side, the resulting milk was pretty good. It tasted like they took a big bag of the artificial flavoring from Trix, and used about eighty times the recommended amount.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: A rainbow of sugar
Overall Rating (out of 10): 6
Cereal Experiment #5: Sriracha Peas
Since I never plan ahead for anything, I hadn't planned what I would have for dinner. Which is why I wound up eating more peas.
I have no idea why this picture looks so deformed, but it's giving me vertigo
Instead of wasabi, these were sriracha peas. Sriracha is a Thai chile sauce that people often use on cooking shows, because if no one knows what it is, it must taste good.
Not pictured: fly on window that is looking like a better dinner alternative
When turned into cereal, the peas didn't fare very well. Unlike the wasabi peas, which sort of worked, the sriracha peas tasted disgusting in milk. The spiciness of the sriracha became diluted, and the flavoring turned into something more like ketchup.
Doctors do not recommend having a pool of this in your stomach before bed
What made this even worse was I knew that after finishing the cereal, I would still have to contend with the milk. I was right to be afraid, since the resulting milk was simply horrid. It tasted like the hellspawn of cheap cocktail sauce and Spaghetti-O's.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: Chef Boyardee-tastic
Overall Rating (out of 10): 2
Despite the fact that I hadn't eaten much, I wasn't very hungry for some reason. I went to bed with an angrily rumbling stomach, which fueled my sleep with nightmares of the horrors I would have to eat tomorrow.
Please continue to Part 2: The Saturday Cereals!
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