My attempts at a savory breakfast cereal had thus far proven unsuccessful [Read Part 1 here]. Was this an impossible feat, or was I simply looking in the wrong direction? When I woke up on Sunday, I tried to use a cereal cheat code by trying a cereal-like food that was already savory.
Cereal Experiment #11: Chex Mix
Granted, Chex Mix isn't thought of as a cereal. Sure, it has cereal in it, but it also has pretzels, bagel chips, and those weird curvy cylinders that no one likes.
The Lonely Island would approve of this cereal
From my last visit to the supermarket, I would estimate that there are currently nine hundred varieties of Chex Mix. I went with Bold Party Mix, because it seemed like the most up-the-middle in terms of savory flavor.
I knew the experiment had worn me down when this tasted good
As a cereal, this worked beautifully. It was a bit confusing when I got a spoonful with a giant bagel chip, but I persevered and figured out how to eat those as well. I'm sorry, I don't mean to brag.
Still more delicious than Wheat Chex
Considering it was bold and savory, it actually tasted pretty good. The texture held up to the milk, and while the milk wasn't a hidden gem unleashing Chex Mix's true potential, it also didn't make it disgusting. Which, at this point, is something I will consider a victory.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? Yes
Resulting Milk Flavor: If you used beef ramen seasoning in place of Quik
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #12: Cocktail Onions
The weekend's experiments had killed off my appetite, so I wound up not eating anything for about eight hours.
Even though meat would never work as a cereal, I couldn't give up on all savory items. The dried peas didn't work too well, but what about wet vegetables?
A major faux pas: eating white foods after Labor Day
Cocktail onions seemed like a good choice. Well, they seemed like they would work because they were small and round. In retrospect, everything else about them made this a horrible idea.
I drained them first, since the onion juice would throw off the milk, and make all of my exhaustively researched data null and void.
For maximum accuracy, insert Pigpen stink fumes above the bowl
As a cereal, the texture was just awful. They obviously weren't crunchy, but they had this awful, eyeball-like consistency. The onions themselves weren't too bad. Since I think they are pickled in some way, their flavor is much more mild than your standard onion. Although here is the fact that they are still onions.
The milk was a different story. A story filled with sadness and betrayal. It was just onion brine, thickened with milk. Like a really thin, strong onion dip smoothie. Multiple parts of my body were angry with me at this point: stomach, nose, mouth, eyes.
I felt like George Costanza eating the raw onion, except I didn't even get a dime.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Would saying REALLY ONIONY be too obvious?
Overall Rating (out of 10): 1
Cereal Experiment #13: Sliced Jalapenos
My stomach was none too happy with my decision to eat onions and drink their milk. So my next experiment would stay in the vegetable family, drowning out the onion burning with an even worse burning sensation.
Milk is supposed to be good after spicy foods ... this cuts out the middle man
Jalapeno slices seemed like they'd be a great fit on the spoon. This proved to not be entirely accurate, since the small, uniform slices on the wrapper didn't exactly show up in the jar. The slices were different shades of green and different versions of round. These jalapenos did not have the same father.
I don't know if I had just been so beaten down by this weekend that the concept of something being not disgusting was enough to be considered "good," but the jalapenos were surprisingly good.
This cereal is not likely to wind up as a Gerber Graduates meal any time soon
The texture wasn't crunchy, of course, but they did have enough snap where it didn't feel like a spoonful of mush. And I will surely never get a job writing as a food critic when I admit that the jalapeno flavor went really well with the milk.
The milk itself, that didn't work so well. It didn't take on any jalapeno flavor, it was just very spicy. I don't think the formatting on this site will allow me to express "very" in the way it deserves, so just imagine that word "very" in font size 56. The taste was like pure capsaicin. Normally, jarred jalapenos aren't that bad, but I guess the entire jar had enough spiciness to soak into the milk to make it a force to be afraid of.
Don't be fooled: this is a bowl of pure pain
Although when I can say "The jalapeno cereal was good, although the milk wasn't very delicious," I will take that as a success, no questions asked.
Did it work well as a cereal? Yes
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: The second or sixth level of Dante's Inferno, whichever is worse
Overall Rating (out of 10): 7
Cereal Experiment #14: Fruit Gushers
For my last cereal of the experiment, I wanted to go out with something that I thought would taste really good. The cereal would be made from Gushers.
I'm assuming there were absolutely no artificial colorings used
As an added bonus, this could be the most meta cereal ever created. It's a cereal, submerged in liquid, while filled with liquid. Don't worry, I'll wait while you clean up the mess, since I just blew your mind.
This idea made me think of other cereals along the same lines. I hope to see a Boston Kreme Donut cereal as soon as possible.
The Gushers themselves, unfortunately, didn't work too well. As soon as they hit the cold milk, they turned rock hard and stuck together. So my thirty or so individual Gushers turned into three large icebergs.
One of the sweetest cereals ever, possibly only second to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs
The taste was still good, while the actual eating was a confusing experience. There would be a chunk of Gushers in a mouthful of milk, but when I bit into them they exploded, like underwater mines. The taste and texture of the fruit snack was sufficiently awesome enough to make this an overall success.
The milk tasted mostly like what you'd expect. A mix of milk, fruit snack surface sugar, and the liquid that leaked out of the Gushers, like fruity underwater oil wells.
Did it work well as a cereal? No
Did it stay crunchy in milk? No
Resulting Milk Flavor: Like a creamy, melted Pop Ice
Overall Rating (out of 10): 8
Conclusions
Despite this weekend's events, I still love cereal. This isn't like when you catch your kid smoking, and make him smoke two full packs to make him hate the flavor for the rest of his life.
While I won't be filling my days with Caesar Salad or Curry Chicken Cereal, I will never abandon the food that made me what I am today.
Although come to think of it, that really doesn't say much for cereal.
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