Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
11/12/2010 12:35 PM

Q: Why can't you starve in the desert?

A: Because of all the sand which is there.

Closet Friend 7,665 11
11/12/2010 01:48 PM

Which two farm animals made bawdy music together?

Brown Chick 'n Brown Cow

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/12/2010 02:03 PM

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

turtle10: SUYT(urkies) 42,578 26 it kills me to post here
11/12/2010 02:54 PM

FWD from coworker at 12:48pm 11/12/2010 after hearing cackling from the cube next to me.



Two men that love baseball we wondering if they have baseball in Heaven
One man said they must “its Heaven”.
So they made a pact that when one of them died he would make contact with the other.
When one of them died he did indeed contact the other man
The man that was alive was really excited and asked if they had baseball in Heaven.
The dead said I have good news and bad news.
So the man that’s still alive saide..what’s the good news?
The dead saide.there is baseball in Heaven
So what’s the bad news?
You’re pitching this Tuesdayeeee


________________________________________






ONLY AN IRISHMAN WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THIS!!!!
How
to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin
Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

Phla vs Snake: Phla wins! 131,068 34
11/12/2010 08:54 PM

This happened yesterday:

Starbucks Cashier: Are these drinks together?
Emerson: Yeah. But not in the same cup!

Fortunecookie 222 6
11/13/2010 04:00 AM

Cop stops a guy about midnight for speeding and asks where the guy is going in such a hurry.
The guy replies he's going to a lecture about the effects of drugs and alcohol in the human body.
"A lecture at this time of night? Who's giving a lecture this late?" the cop asks.
"My wife," says the guy.

Drewcifer aka Captain Paxil 46,366 58
11/13/2010 03:08 PM

Why did my wife cross the road?

To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three Frost-ing hours ago.

Phla vs Snake: Phla wins! 131,068 34
11/13/2010 03:16 PM

But that makes sense...

It's Marmite, FFS... 12,955 12
11/13/2010 06:09 PM

What's green and sits in the corner?

A dead baby



(sorry)

Midgets 96,151 48
11/13/2010 06:13 PM

What's green and in the oven.

The baby from the corner.



(not sorry)

Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
11/13/2010 06:39 PM

This is a riddle that Isaac Asimov said his father once told to him:

What is green, wet, hangs on the wall, and whistles?

I don't know.

A trout.

A trout isn't green.

It is if you just painted it.

It doesn't hang on the wall.

So, you nail it there.

But it doesn't whistle.

I just put that it in to make it difficult.

The Ancient Fifer 186,133 44
11/13/2010 11:33 PM

I thought this was going to be a thread about constipation.

snowfoxrox 754 6
11/14/2010 12:42 AM

A pirate walks into a bar
The bar tender looks at the pirate and Coleridges his head, staring.
Finally he asks the pirate, "Do ye know ye have a papertowel on yer head?"
The pirate grins and puffs out his chest, "Yar, I have a bounty on me head!"

Mr. Mike and his giblets! 11,439 21
11/14/2010 09:44 AM

The bar tender looks at the pirate and Coleridges his head, staring.

I think I laughed harder at that line, than the joke itself!

imoverhere 105 7
11/16/2010 08:50 AM

What does a pirates cat say?

Meyar