Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
11/16/2010 03:19 PM

You forgot to add:

Difficulty - No Tubgirl.

KChiki watches you while you post! 128,446 98
11/16/2010 03:22 PM

Oh dear. I don't know if I want to admit to that story.

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 03:34 PM

I don't really want to get into it, but let's just say I'm too embarrassed to go into that sandwich shop again.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
11/16/2010 03:42 PM

This one time I was running a marathon.....

1 2 3 4 Phla 131,068 34
11/16/2010 03:42 PM

I'm willing to bet that in two hours, the lady eating lunch to my left will have an awesome story to tell...

(The fact that I just posted in another thread about a health inspector is no coincidence.)

(I am drinking tea and only tea. This, too, is no coincidence.)

Chit 178,781 15
11/16/2010 03:47 PM

I only remember one thing for sure...it was NOT corn laden !

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/16/2010 03:51 PM

Early on the third day of a canoe trip on the Moose River out of Jackman, Maine. I'd been sitting in a canoe for three days eating camping food, drinking wine and generally having a great time. My wife was in the front of the canoe, I was in the back. Suddenly and without warning, I felt a real need to poop.

I should add that we were on a section of the river where the banks rose sharply. There was nowhere to pull off.

Holy god did I have to poop all of a sudden. I told my wife we needed to get to the river bank but, again, there really was no place to go. I held it and held it and I seriously contemplated easing my butt over the side of the boat (which probably would have resulted in a capsize) or going in a plastic bag (I've done that before while hiking but I wouldn't want to do it in a boat). Eventually I saw a section of the bank that didn't rise as steeply as the other sections. We pulled off to the side and the two other couples in the two other boats stopped to wait.

I gingerly worked my way out of the canoe, careful not to tip us over. I grabbed a sapling and pulled myself a few feet up the steep embankment.

You know how when you really have to go and manage to hold it, once you get within site of a toilet you suddenly REALLY have to go? Yeah.

Cont.

TopHatSnake 3,464 10
11/16/2010 03:51 PM

It was Shakespearety.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/16/2010 03:52 PM

I quickly dropped trou and no sooner did I squat my ass down on the pine needles when a torrent of poop came flying out. I'm talking Vesuvius here. The unmistakable sound of someone with a bad case of The Squirts echoed throughout the river valley. I had to reduce my squat a bit so I wouldn't get hit with the backspash. This went on for a good four and a half minutes. The whole time I was within view of the five other people in the three boats.

Finally, it seemed to have stopped. The ground beneath me was covered in a giant puddle of liquid Shakespeare, which was rapidly flowing down the bank. My Emerson would need major renovations in order to get back to normal, and my cheeks and inner thighs were covered with splatters of poop. My pants were around my ankles and one arm was wrapped around a tree, the only thing keeping me from losing my balance and tumbling down through my own Shakespeare into the river.

It was then that I realized I left the toilet paper in the boat.

Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
11/16/2010 03:55 PM

I think this thread shows a connection between Popinator and the Turk-whatever group. Clearly they've hacked John's account to post about poop stories.

TopHatSnake 3,464 10
11/16/2010 03:55 PM

Sorry for interrupting, Nutters!

The Mailman 176,467 56
11/16/2010 04:03 PM

I left work early one day because I felt sick shortly after lunch. I drove home fast because I felt a stream of diarrhea coming down the pipe quickly. The whole drive felt like torture. By the time I reached my neighbourhood, I was clenching my ass cheeks tightly ans I was focusing really hard so I wouldn't make a mess in my pants and in the car.

At the last intersection before my house, a kid on his bike zoomed in front of me, causing me to stomp on the break pedal. It also caused me to lose my ass-clenching focus.

On the bright side, I know how to parallel park while hovering above the driver seat.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
11/16/2010 04:03 PM

All I am going to say about this is to never ever trust a fart.

John Hargrave 128,751 73
11/16/2010 04:09 PM

Nutbutter: hilarious.

I wonder if you did more environmental damage to the river creatures than the BP oil spill.

I could see volunteers coming in for weeks afterward, trying to clean poo off the delicate wings of birds.

TurkDuckChakens 286,642 61
11/16/2010 04:10 PM

A classic from May of 2007

From the Your Worst Poop thread:

"The wife sent me a rose and an invite to the Grove Park Inn for a night of birthday celebrations. When I arrived at the grand lobby, there she was in a slut red dress holding a couple of vodka martinis.

Dinner, two bottles of wine, and drinks. Then a dip in the spa pool.

Well, I felt as though I had overeaten and was drunk as a lord. After the pool, I went into the empty, but very public shower in the men's locker room of the rather swank Grove Park Inn spa.

I got in the shower to try and rinse the chlorine off and sober up a bit when it happened. I felt the need to pass gas really bad. Now I had no indication this was not a fart I could trust.

So I let go.







A brown liquid spew went all over the very open public shower. And I couldn't stop. It kept coming. I was horrified.

As quick as possible I cleaned up and rinsed the 10 x 20 shower down from one end to the other using the handicapped sprayer at each end, all the while praying no one else came into the locker room. Luckily it was late and every sane person was down in the bar or their room.

That's right, in a drunken stupor and fat on fillet minion, I got projectile Hershey squirts in the spa of the Grove Park in shower."

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/16/2010 04:21 PM

Chickens, that's the most horrific story I've ever heard. You should be ashamed to admit that in public and I hope you never, ever do that again.

I mean, vodka martinis?

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 04:26 PM

Also not a story I want to repeat but anyone who has ever had gallstones will tell you ... anybody, medical professional or otherwise, who tells you that your gallbladder is a useless organ has obviously never had theirs fail them. In the car. After Mexican food. With an infant in in tow. And their husband far away. And needed douche afterward.

BillSalamie 67,060 13
11/16/2010 04:34 PM

When I was in college I had it bad one night. I had to go back to the dorm from the bar. When I got up to the bathroom there was this girl named Gail throwing up in one of the stalls. She was a friend of these nerdy sort of guys that lived on my floor. Super-nice girl. I guess they had been drinking and she had too much, so she had to throw up. I had to sit down in the stall right next to her and cut loose. It sounded like a motorboat, a very smelly motorboat. She starts going, "Who is that? Who is that?" I didn't want to say anything, so I just kept ripping it out. Then I started laughing to myself and couldn't stop. She somehow knew it was me, and she kept saying, "Blaise, is that you? Is that you Blaise?" I wouldn't answer. I just kept dumping and laughing to myself. One of those laughs where you know you should stop, but you just can't, and your face hurts and your eyes are tearing up. Then I finished and left.
Poor Gail.

Drewcifer aka Captain Paxil 46,366 58
11/16/2010 04:35 PM

Better douche than fist.

At least that's what Grandma always used to say...

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 04:57 PM

Tell your grandmother that I suggest she go Shakespeare up her vagina and then we can talk.









I honestly can't believe I just typed that sentence.

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 04:57 PM

And hit submit.

turtle10: SUYT(urkies) 42,578 26
11/16/2010 04:58 PM

One time when I was young (like 7 or so), I headed to the bathroom for a simple pee. As I stood there, I realized that's not all I had to do. As I pulled down my pajama pants and turned to sit, the levy broke and and with one shot I hit the toilet, the wall, and the sink. I started crying and my mom came and was horrified.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/16/2010 04:59 PM

I, too, would be horrified if the site of my Shakespeare made my mother come.

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 05:00 PM

and my mom came and was horrified.



I'm not even sure where to start.

Panda stuffing with giblet gravy 181,795 70
11/16/2010 05:01 PM

Nutbutter and I will obviously be occupying the same corner of hell.

The Ancient Fifer 186,133 44
11/16/2010 05:04 PM

I thought it was the sight of him crying that made his mother come.



In any case, I just wanted to say that I'm totally wet for Nutbutter today.

Drewcifer aka Captain Paxil 46,366 58
11/16/2010 05:30 PM

Indeed.

Anything to get the image of Grandma being fisted out of my head. Thank you.







Awwww dammit!

Mr. Mike and his giblets! 11,439 21
11/16/2010 05:32 PM

I remember the time I decided to be an idiot (yeah, big surprise)

I had Thanksgiving with the faimly at my parents house. They, of course, gave me leftovers. Which I went home and left out on the table overnight. Now If I had a cat, it would have been gone and I'd have been saved.

Sadly I wasn't saved, I went and made 2 sandwiches and went on my route as a delivery driver for Airborne Express.

During the second sandwich I decided that something was off, so I threw the rest of the sandwich out my window.

About a half hour later, I started MAJORLY cramping, I pulled into a Burger King and went into the bathroom. Usually I can't Shakespeare in public, but wasn't in the position to argue with my bowels.

Sadly, my bowels weren't the only part of me wanting to be vocal. I began letting loose with the good ol Hershey Squirts, AND spewing LOADS of turkey chunked puke in front of me. How I didn't get any on my clothes is beyond me. Thankfully I was using the handicapped stall which is larger and privided me with the room I needed to project the vomit as far from me as possible.

I am STILL wary of Thanksgiving leftovers!

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
11/16/2010 06:20 PM

I just wanted to say that I'm totally wet for Nutbutter today.

It was my Shakespeare story, wasn't it? You should totally hook up with Turtle's mom.

turtle10: SUYT(urkies) 42,578 26
11/16/2010 08:05 PM

Freaks






My mom's picture is in the two word image thread. Kchiki posted her at work.

Drewcifer aka Captain Paxil 46,366 58
11/16/2010 08:14 PM

Your mom's a furry frog costume model?

~ Jeeni, lurking clickie faerie ~ 47,815 51
11/16/2010 10:37 PM

John - you seem to have a poop fetish. Have you met the Poopinator yet?

Oh - and here are some poopy icons for all the toilet-humor crazies here:

(I knew I was saving this crap for something. Woo hoo!)

Declan McManus did the potato mash! 131,891 36
11/16/2010 10:38 PM

I could add to this thread.


HOWEVER, give me LOTS of orbs, I am talking NO less than 50 Fourbs. Or, if you must, 50 1 orbs, or I shall go into detail.


It's as uncomplicated as that. LOTS of orbs for my silence on this topic.


It is 10:38 pm, Tuesday, November 16, 2010. You have 24 hours.

~ Jeeni, lurking clickie faerie ~ 47,815 51
11/16/2010 10:46 PM

Is that brownmail, Declan?

Declan McManus did the potato mash! 131,891 36
11/16/2010 10:51 PM

As the kids say: it is what it is, and that's all that it is.

1 2 3 4 Phla 131,068 34
11/16/2010 11:00 PM

Yeah, but the kids also say where's my juice I'm going to be a firetruck when I grow up, so let's just not use that argument anymore.

Straw Potato Pie 98,023 37
11/17/2010 09:57 AM

In addition to whatever I paid for the meal that caused it, my dairrhea last night cost me $15. I had prepaid to attend a cooking class for a mom's night out. I ended up spending the evening on the toilet.

I know, not as exciting as the other stories in this thread. But I'm still depressed about it, and this thread keeps popping up, so y'all get to hear me whine.

0 to speeding ticket in a very short time 201 7
11/18/2010 12:25 AM

I just love threads about Shakespeare

Fortunecookie 222 6
11/18/2010 01:16 AM

In high school I was involved in a student exchange program one summer and I got to stay with a family in Ireland. The night before I left they fixed a nice meal of shepherd's pie and English peas. It was tasty and I ate the portion I was served. The next day I was packed up and shipped off to Wales for the five hour bus ride to get to the B&B we were staying at.

We were about two hours into the trip when I felt the ominous rumbling from my gut. Still having a dislike of pooping in public places I tried to hold it until I could poop in the privacy of the B&B suite. I sat there butt cheeks clenched, shifting from cheek to cheek in my seat. I lasted almost an hour. Then I broke out into a cold sweat.

Knowing I had reached the end of my endurance I tried to quietly sneak into the toilet which was about mid-bus. I know how loud it was, and how rank it was in that small closet of a toilet. I was too mortified after I slunk back to my seat about thirty minutes later to make eye contact with anyone else. The two return trips after the first one to complete the voiding didn't help the discretion I was trying to achieve.

What made me even more embarrassed was the reminder everyone received the next day about no pooing in the bus toilet.

Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
11/20/2010 01:42 PM

Early on the third day of a canoe trip on the Moose River out of Jackman, Maine. I'd been sitting in a canoe for three days

You, sir, are funny and have a delightful raspberry-pudding filled brain, but you suck at the maths.

Pram 80,728 42
11/20/2010 10:59 PM

The one I'm having now. *splat*

Declan McManus did the potato mash! 131,891 36
11/21/2010 02:47 AM

It happened this evening (Saturday, November 20.) So, a few days late. Whatcha gonna do to me?


I was doing a Declan-ish thing. The Opera program at Kent State had their semester program. I was with two good friends, Nora and Jim (not their real names, but close enough.) Their daughter, Aisling, has a glorious singing voice. Aisling had two featured parts.


I had too much coffee earlier in the day, By the third scene, (Act 1 finale) from "Cosi fan Tutte," (one of my serious favourites,) I was rumbling.


The seating was: Jim, Nora, me, and Aisling's boyfriend, Eruc (yes.). Eruc is as kind as a printer cartridge, but he's going to endure quite a career at the car warsh. There were THREE other people in the row, including the elderly mother of two of my few friends from childhood, Mrs. Gerstenlauer.


We get to "Hansel and Gretel, Act II-ActIII. Near the end, I nudge Nora, paste a truly panic stricken look on my face, and grab my coat.


I stand up, and start out rapidly, or as rapidly as an overdressed (my real gold starfish earring, white silk scarf, Givenchy Pi cologne,) overweight man can move, without crushing too many feet. I am thankful that Mrs. Gerstenlauer's feet are spared.


Unfortunately, we are in the fourth row from the stage. By the time I am barely halfway up the stairs, I am sharting.


I am wearing pale green trousers, and am frightened beyond words that a stain might be forming "back there".


The men's room, fortunately, is as empty as my gut is volcanic. The seat is DOWN. So am I.

Mission seems interminable, which means "half of Bush 43's second term."


To Be Concluded......

Declan McManus did the potato mash! 131,891 36
11/21/2010 03:27 AM

So I miss the entire selection of The Pirates of Penzance, and come back in after "Modern Major-General."


(I majored in alcohol in my first attempt at undergrad school, and had a minor in tranquilizers. Now, Imodium is my "Drug of Choice.")


We then go Into The Woods. No, it is not a story about professional golf.
It would be absurd for me to resume my seat for a 15 minute finale, so I spread my coat on a folding chair, listen, and break down into audible tears.


Therefore, this is my worst recent case of diarrhea, Shakespeares, or "green apple quick-step."


the end. or an end.

The Ancient Fifer 186,133 44
11/21/2010 06:35 AM

You know how I know you're gay?

Declan McManus did the potato mash! 131,891 36
11/21/2010 08:22 AM

Potato, fvcking potahto, fife boy, Most of your precious, precious musick was written about the same gahdammed time. With more notes, and fewer lyrics.


You look ridiculous in your way, brother mine, I look ridiculous in my way. You really don't have the calves for breeches and stockings, darl'.


I AM bringing the roasted carrots, the spuds fer mashin', and my big KitchenAid mixer, or that's the last I knew.