King of the Pill: The Birth Control Experiment
A comedy article
by Ball Saxbury  518  6
11/22/2010 11:50 PM 7772 views
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I think women have it easy these days. Oral birth control is widely available for women, but what do men have? Condoms? Studies have shown the average condom is hardly able to withstand thirty seconds on a belt sander. Let's face it: when trying to prevent pregnancy, men have it hardest (heh).
So over the next month, we are going to settle the eternal debate once and for all: is estrogen-based birth control effective in preventing unwanted male pregnancy?
Meet test subject Jack:
"Problem, officer?"
Jack is a perfectly normal, sexually active man. A renaissance man, a man of many talents and emotions:
Hungry Jack
Sleepy Jack
Moody Jack
Philosophical Jack
The tricky part was locating the birth control, since doctors are utterly prejudiced when it comes to prescribing The Pill for men. That is sexual discrimination, plain and simple.
I asked all my female friends, but they all had progesterone-based birth control, and no one was willing to share. Finally, I was set up with a friend of a friend, who was taking Necon 1/35, the good stuff. These pills contain ethinylestradiol, which is human estrogen, which is found in men.
The only catch: I had to sleep with her.
This is not a joke. I slept with a woman in order to get her birth control pills, to give to my man friend. That, my friend, is one of the most bizarre sex triangles imaginable.
As I write this, Jack has already taken two.
Hormone pills in hand, the next step was to find out what would happen if Jack took birth control for an entire 28-day cycle. I called a family planning hotline to discuss.
FAMILY PLANNING HOTLINE: Hello, thank you for calling ______________. Can I help you?
BALL SAXBURY: Hi, I'm calling because I have some questions about Necon 1/35, an oral contraceptive.
FPH: What can I help you with?
BS: What's the effectiveness of this type of birth control compared to, for example, using a plastic garbage bag as a condom?
FPH: [Pause] Well, when used properly, oral birth control is about 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy in women.
BS: What about in men?
FPH: [Long pause] Men?
BS: I have a friend of a friend who wants to take birth control. Would it be safe for him to have sex with whomever he wanted?
FPH: Birth control does not protect against STDs.
BS: Could he have sex with different species? Animals and whatnot?
FPH: Sir, if this is not a legitimate call, I'm going to have to terminate the call.
BS: Don't terminate! My call has a right to life. You of all people should know that.
FPH: Is there anything else I can help you with?
BS: Yes. My friend identifies as a lesbian, but is biologically male. Should he take birth control in order to prevent getting knocked up by some random chick?
FPH: ...
BS: I mean, I'm sure you know what that's like.
FPH: [Hangs up]
Over the next 28 days, we will track Jack's moods and emotions using our highly scientific "bitchiness scale." How will he respond to manly activities and feminine delights? And, of course, can we keep him from getting pregnant?
Stay tuned -- this guy's got a set of balls on him!
Please continue to Part 2: The Balls Grow Smaller!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054180949
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054180950
~ Jeeni, lurking clickie faerie ~ 47,815  51
11/23/2010 12:06 AM
You should have gotten a sperm count before taking the pills.
Good luck, man!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054180951
Redwing 3,887 30
11/23/2010 12:07 AM
Sounds like Jack is going to trade that set of Balls for a set of Boobs by the end of this experiment.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.6
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054180959
Phla Di Da 131,068 34
11/23/2010 09:40 AM
Spoiler: Jack doesn't get pregnant.
Oh man, did I just ruin it for everyone?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182144
Tunacrab 48 12
12/04/2010 12:33 AM
Just so you know, you might as well discontinue the experiment at the end of the third week. The last week of a pack of pills are placebo - they contain only sugar.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182145
Tunacrab 48 12
12/04/2010 12:42 AM
After some research, I have discovered it is not always the last week. They are usually a different color, so check out whatever brand you have and make sure you are eating the real ones.
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182157
~ Jeeni, lurking clickie faerie ~ 47,815 51
12/04/2010 09:26 AM
Jesus, sounds like you need a night of romance. Why are you taking it out on the newb?
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182202
Dianerda 57,835 109
12/04/2010 11:45 AM
And the noob isn't even a noob, age-wise - they've got an old account.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182307
Uncle Ravos' muffin glaze 63,472 21
12/06/2010 08:59 AM
Not to mention the same number of trophies.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054182308
KChiki is all up in your mistletoe. 128,451 98
12/06/2010 09:03 AM
I'm going to form an Equal Rights for People Who Don't Post Much group on Facebook. Who wants to join?
...
Well, I would if I didn't post so damn much.
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