I was sampling the bizarre collection of holiday-themed soda from Jones Soda, and after living through a Thanksgiving-dinner-in-a-bottle [read Part 1 here], it was time to move on to the other holiday tradition: football.
This collection of Jones Soda is supposed to revolve around the "tastes of football." I was surprised there was no Cool Ranch Doritos flavor, until I realized they meant the tastes of playing football, not watching it. See, I've never done that.
Experiment #6: Dirt
Looks like someone didn't have time to pull over.
The flavor I was most interested to try was Dirt. Which is a sentence I never expected to write.
The color of the soda is truly disturbing. It looks like the water in bottles that people leave on their porch to extinguish cigarettes. Opening the bottle, I was a bit disappointed by the lack of a rancid smell. Clearly I've been doing these experiments for too long, when I'm disappointed that something I'm about to put in my body doesn't smell disgusting.
I guess I've got a dirty mouth (rimshot)
The soda confirmed it: dirt doesn't actually taste that bad. It certainly wasn't good, it just didn't taste like anything, really. Which is probably pretty accurate. I can't say for sure, since I haven't eaten dirt in at least five years, so I don't remember what it tasted like.
But come on ... if you're going to make a soda named Dirt, take some creative license. Grape-flavored ice pops don't taste like real grapes, so who says dirt-flavored soda has to follow all the rules?
I am offended. How dare they not disgust me at the level to which I have become accustomed?
Experiment #7: Perspiration
Jones REALLY has the market cornered on stupid consumers
Perspiration is the Latin term for what is now commonly known as "sweat." After the Great Dirt Soda Fiasco, I was curious how they would approach a sweat-flavored soda. Would it be an artistic take on the idea of sweat? I thought. Or would it be ... and then I saw the first two ingredients were carbonated water and salt, and realized, they're going the realistic route.
I guess the one good thing I can say about sweat-flavored soda is that it tasted cleaner than ocean water. But that awful taste is one of the many reasons I hate going to the beach, ranking just behind "inevitable sunburn" and "people."
I'll be in the water, trying to enjoy myself despite weird, unknown things touching my legs. Then I'll get seawater in my mouth, and try to wipe it off on my arm, which is also covered in seawater. So, no thank you to a soda that tastes like the Atlantic Ocean.
Experiment #8: Sports Cream
For internal use only
Let's cut to the chase: this is Ben-Gay flavor. No one refers to it as "sports cream," just as no one says, "I just cut my finger, do you happen to have an adhesive bandage?" Even during the times when I could actually use Ben-Gay, I never did, because the smell always repulsed me. I was expecting this one to be pretty terrible, and just hoping the Sports Cream flavor wouldn't cause my tongue to go numb.
The smell of the soda immediately let me know they got that part exactly right. Opening the bottle smelled like the locker room of an over-40 men's hockey league.
Tasting the soda was a truly surreal moment. After that dead-on smell, I was expecting it to taste like liquid Ben-Gay. However, it actually tasted good. Really good, in fact.
The Sports Cream flavor tasted almost exactly like my favorite gum, Teaberry. No one understands why it is my favorite gum when I tell them that it tastes like Pepto Bismol. I know that isn't the most enticing description, but it doesn't change the fact that Teaberry is awesome.
This was one of the few sodas that had sugar in it, which might be why it tasted so good. Maybe their marketing slogan for this one should be, "It's Flavored Like Ben-Gay, But Don't Worry ... It Has Sugar."
Experiment #9: Natural Field Turf
Describing that shade of green, "natural" is one of the last words I would use
The Turf soda has one of the stranger colors. The first three football sodas all had vaguely bodily fluid colors, while Turf's color was more along the lines of "Predator blood."
Another misguided attempt to turn myself into a Ninja Turtle
The smell will bring you back to those happy days of summer. As long as you have fond memories of laying in a pile of warm grass clippings. Weirdo.
The strong grass clippings smell and taste was similar to those "infused" waters. It was like drinking Metromint. I don't dislike water flavored with unsweetened mint, but it's not something I'd like right now. It was the same thing with Turf: I wasn't actually repulsed by the grass flavor, but I could certainly do without it. Forever.
Experiment #10: Sweet Victory
Not the most manly shade of blue
Sweet Victory is their consolation soda. If you made it this far, here's a legitimate flavor for you, to make up for it.
The smell of Sweet Victory is basically pure sugar. Which makes sense, since the taste seems to be cotton candy. I don't know what it says about me that I'd rather drink a bottle of Ben-Gay soda than one flavored like cotton candy.
Probably the closest I came to any sort of "victory" in this experiment.
The tough part about drinking Sweet Victory was that it pretty much tasted like liquid sugar, or perhaps an advanced, weaponized version of liquid sugar. Hopefully I can find a Novocaine soda; that way I can just take care of the inevitable cavities myself.
While these sodas didn't quite equal a Thanksgiving experience by themselves, they did offer some of the same results: upset stomach, shame, and exhaustion. I just hope it's not too difficult to explain to my family why my breath smells like Ben-Gay.
|
|
Store
1,375 
13 
82 
10