Crappy Consumer Reports: French Fry Taste Test, Part 3
A comedy article
by syncope  49,019  14
12/02/2010 12:20 AM 3035 views
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I'd already sampled the worst French fries known to man [read Part 1 and Part 2], but now it was time to contribute something to society. Too long had I let my fellow man go through life without knowing just what monstrous super-fry I could unleash on the world.
I would build the Mega-Fry.
I dashed off to the supermarket, my head spinning with possibilities. I didn't want to make just another French fry; I had to do something above and beyond. I came away with the following:
A BAG OF FROZEN FRENCH FRIES
A PACKAGE OF BACON
A CAN OF CHILI
A JALAPENO PEPPER
SOME CHEESE THAT I ALREADY HAD IN THE FRIDGE
AND TOOTHPICKS
Once home, my hands worked independently of my body. My eyes rolled back and I entered a fugue state, compelled by something greater than myself.
First, I used toothpicks to weave three sheets of bacon into a tapestry of fat, forming my base layer.
Then I added cheese. I didn't have any shredded cheese, but the slices split in half fit nicely on the three-wide bacon.
Now I was ready for the fries. I carefully stacked each fry individually, then just dumped them on the bacon.
Next came the jalapeno, because I like a little spice in my life. And in my intestine.
How can you possibly say the words "cheese" and "fries" in the same breath without adding chili?
Since I'm a big fan of symmetry, I threw on another slice of cheddar.
And finally, to top it all off, another three-wide bacon weave.
My theory was simple: by pinning everything together I hoped that the bacon's juices would leak out and somehow seal the whole mess into a self-contained French fry bacorrito. Delicious AND portable! I popped it into the oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. Honestly, if I thought it would have held together, I would have deep-fried the whole Frost-ing thing.
It didn't take long before my place was filled with the intoxicating aroma of bacon, chili, and French fries. It all percolated into one scent I wished I could bottle and sell as a cologne. Soon enough, the timer dinged. "This is like Christmas!" I exclaimed to my wife Kat, as she rolled her eyes.
I pulled it from the oven and noted a pool of grease swirling around the baking sheet. The smell was intoxicating. It was so heavenly that I found it difficult to let it cool, but I held out. I made this Mega-Fry fully expecting it to be a disgusting cap on an awful story, but now the smell had me excited.
"Oh no, Kat," I said worriedly, "I think it's going to be good."
I dug in. It was heaven! Savory chili, sweet bacon (floppy on top, crispy on bottom), perfectly melted cheddar cheese, small spicy notes of jalapeno. "Oh God," I thought, "Oh God, what have I done?" I asked Kat how ashamed she would be if I ate the whole thing.
"Very." Dammit.
Heat: It's not quite fair, since I cooked it myself and didn't have to worry about it sitting under a heat lamp, but that's the beauty with the Mega-Fry: every one would be made to order! (10/10)
Salt: After nauseating mouthfuls of over-salted fries covered in crusty crystals, the sodium level of the Mega-Fry was a welcome delicious respite. Granted, it's got bacon, cheese, chili, and French fries in it: I'm sure there are several days' worth of your recommended daily allowance of sodium in there. (8/10)
Crunch: The bottom level of bacon was slightly crispy, but this thing was really greasy, and that detracted from the crunch factor. Also, the top layer of bacon was pretty floppy, even for a guy who likes floppy bacon. (6/10)
Flavor: Are you kidding me? BACON! CHEESE! CHILI! FRIES! WITH JALAPENO! It was Frost-ing amazing. It was more beautiful than anything I would have ever seen in the four to six years it took off my lifespan. It wasn't quite perfect, though: some of the fries hadn't cooked through all the way. (9/10)
TOTAL: 33/40
I had achieved near-perfection, but something still nagged at me: despite its obvious superiority to any French fry ever created, the Mega-Fry fell short in one crucial category: portability. My plan to seal it hadn't come together. I held out some hope though, that I could make it work.
Failure. The Mega-Fry collapsed under its own greasy weight in my hands. I couldn't cut through the six pieces of bacon with my teeth.
I sat there like a snack food Cthulhu, bacon tentacles dangling limply from my mouth. I couldn't take any more in. I couldn't chew through it. I had to change directions.
I felt like a failure. Not for the Mega-Fry's lack of portability, mind you, just for the simple fact that I had failed to finiShakespeare. I started to pick at the regurgitated mass of pig flesh and reconstituted potato.
"Oh my God, stop it," Kat chastised me. Dejected, I slid the whole pile into our compost bowl. Like Icarus before me, I had flown too close to the sun.
But Wendy's, if you're listening: ditch the sea salt and wrap that Shakespeare in bacon and chili.
Randall Cleveland is a writer and comedian based in Seattle. You can read about his pointless exploits at Life with Randy.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
18 votes
4.1
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Dianerda 57,835  109
12/02/2010 12:25 AM
Awesome.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Thud 68,525 19
12/02/2010 01:05 AM
I sat there like a snack food Cthulhu
Wonderful. Another winner of an article/experiment. Bravo.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.7
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Drewcifer aka Captain Nyquil 46,366 58
12/02/2010 01:07 AM
Wow. How the hell do you manage to stay single?
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.3
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Dianerda 57,835 109
12/02/2010 01:15 AM
That's a good question for his wife.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Drewcifer aka Captain Nyquil 46,366 58
12/02/2010 01:19 AM
Oh yeah, that makes sense. Someone with girly-hands obviously prepared and cooked that. I hadn't noticed that before.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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The Aristocrat 3,333 17
12/02/2010 01:33 AM
@Drewcifer: Pretty obvious from your comments that you just looked at the pretty pictures. His wife got several mentions in the article. No clickies for you.
Now... can anyone think of a way to batter and deep-fry this creation? That's the only thing I could think of that would make it more artery clogging awesome.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Your What? Hurts?! 5,582 10
12/02/2010 08:21 AM
A year or so ago, a new restaurant opened near me. The name is “Victoria’s Gastro Pub.” Being a true blue American mutt, I figured anything with “Gastro” in the name has got to be some weirdo French hoity toity place that would overcharge me for some fancy food that’d give me the same gas as the Red Robin, Outback, Olive Garden or other local chains provide.
But, a year later, and the missus & I are out on a “date night” and we decide to give it a whirl. And proving once again, just how stupid & provincial Amuricans are, the food was quite excellent. Plus our waitress had Milliesque boobs.
These were the best fries I’ve ever eaten in my entire 46 years of life. They cook their fries in DUCK FAT. Can you Frost-ing believe it? Duck fat!!! I kid you not. They hit 10s on all of the criteria: They were hot, but not so hot you risked internal burns. The salt was layered; that’s right, layered! There was an immediate burst from the sea salt that was portioned exactly right, but then a deeper layer from the duck fat. The crunch was perfect on every fry, where you didn’t feel like you’re biting into one of those old lollipops - you know, the round ones with the thickness of 2 pieces of paper. Yet just enough crunch that you know you’re biting through that outer layer to get to the goodness inside. Which the duck fat had also permeated, leading to that perfect 12 out of 10 on taste.
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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KChiki is all up in your mistletoe. 128,451 98
12/02/2010 09:49 AM
I wonder if you could wrap the bacon around it like an Ace bandage and THEN deep-fry it.
And yes, it looks like freaking ambrosia.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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10 Midgets a-leaping. 96,151 48
12/02/2010 10:08 AM
A wire frame could be fashioned to hold the bacon in a bowl or pocket shape while being deep fried, like they to with tortilla bowls.
If only we knew someone with access to a garage, equipment, and too much time on their hands.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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TurkDuckChakens 286,647 61
12/02/2010 10:30 AM
If I had to choose a fry without doing all this driving about and overloading on carbs and salt I would have to say McDonalds. They seem to consistently deliver the most crispy fry.
And heck it was the basis for the restaurant to begin with if you have ever read Kroc's story.
You are quite correct that most seem to be too soggy and oversalted.
You made a terrible mistake in mixing whole strips of bacon into anything. The only proper way to make whole strips of bacon is fried on it's own. Period. Any other way and the adjoining food will stop the bacon from reaching its perfect crunchy delicious natural state. You will have a soggy fleshy slap of fat goo.
Shame.
Otherwise good article. And the above picture should be on a tee shirt.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Straw Potato Pie 98,023 37
12/02/2010 10:37 AM
Major clicks for the "snack food Cthulhu" and accompanying picture.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Xodiac 202 5
12/02/2010 10:50 AM
Now... can anyone think of a way to batter and deep-fry this creation? That's the only thing I could think of that would make it more artery clogging awesome.
Easy. Take the bacon strips and weave them into a little basket. Then cook. It's like a bread bowl, but 10x tastier and 100x deadlier. And about 5x messier, but you can't have everything.
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Funny
8 votes
3.3
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
12/02/2010 10:54 AM
I have had the duck fat fries at a restaurant in Montreal last summer, and I can attest they are indeed quacking excellent.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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MrPoopsmith 25 5
12/02/2010 12:30 PM
Duck fat is, as they would say in French, tres awesome.
They use duck fat to cook at most restaurants where you can say they have a 'Chef' (as opposed to a 'Guy Who Microwaves Frozen Foods That We Buy In Big Bags').
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.2
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Randall Cleveland 49,019 14
12/02/2010 01:46 PM
I hope to resume contributing funny articles just as soon as these nagging and totally-unrelated chest pains go away.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Drewcifer aka Captain Nyquil 46,366 58
12/02/2010 03:28 PM
@Drewcifer: Pretty obvious from your comments that you just looked at the pretty pictures. His wife got several mentions in the article. No clickies for you.
Yeah, I was a little intoxicated and stoned when I skimmed through that last night. I was Dianerda's polar opposite. Still, the images alone were enough to illicit an involuntary gastrointestinal hiccup. I'm still not sure why...
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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MrPoopsmith 25 5
12/03/2010 12:34 AM
You know what's good for chest pains?
[b]Crisco.[/b]
I hear it helps lube your arteries so the blood gets through better, helping to prevent heart attacks. It's basically gelatinous aspirin.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Chaos the Fox 288 8
12/03/2010 07:57 AM
As soon as I move into my new house, I'm going to try to deep-fry this. Hopefully the house won't burn down.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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TopHatSnake 3,479 10
12/03/2010 08:02 AM
just wrap the whole thing in a tortilla to hold it together.
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