I was conducting an experiment to add the delicious taste of bacon to a variety of beverages with the help of "dissolvable" flavor tablets (read part 1 here).
Experiment 4: Bacon Juice
Orange juice and bacon are part of the balanced breakfast that Froot Loops commercials keep telling me I should be eating, so I thought combining the two into one would give my breakfast a perfect, Zen-like equity.
I went with pulp-free orange juice, because I don't like it when there's a bunch of crud floating in my drink.
The concoction smelled like a burning orange grove, and that's kind of what it tasted like too. I could still sense the orange juice, but it was hidden behind layers of smoky bacon flavor. Attempting to swallow just made things worse.
Was I reacting to the drink, or I was secretly high the entire time? Place your bets in the comments section!
It didn't taste good, but I think it would make for a decent breakfast anyway. The crisp orange juice combined with the blunt force of the bacon tablets to provide a real jolt; I instantly felt more alert and awake after drinking this. And also a little nauseous.
Experiment 5: Liquid BLT
For this experiment I created a liquid BLT by adding finely shredded lettuce to baconised tomato juice. I guess I could have added a dollop of mayo or some bread crumbs too, but that would've just been crazy.
The tomato juice was so thick that some of the tablets couldn't even make it to the bottom of the glass. They just floated in the middle of the juice, making only the weakest effort to dish out their bacon flavor. Meanwhile, the lettuce shriveled up and vanished into the mire, never to be seen again.
Watching that tablet slowly sink was like watching the Titanic go down.
I wasn't even sure if the tablets were reacting; their bacon goodness might have been overpowered by the raw health benefits of tomato juice. But after a few minutes there was proof. Ugly proof.
I had always wanted to drink something that looked like a burn wound.
Despite its vile appearance, this was by far the best drink yet. Tomato juice has a potent taste, and that taste was completely retained. The bacon tablets provided just a hint of flavor; it was like a bacony spice that gave the juice a little zing. I'd even go so far as to say I enjoyed this drink, although I'm not sure if that's because it tasted good or just because it tasted less bad than everything else I had tried.
It certainly looks enjoyable.
Experiment 6: Bacon Coffee
I was curious as to how the tablets would react with a hot beverage, so I tried coffee next. I don't even like regular coffee, so baconised coffee couldn't taste any worse. I hoped.
On one hand, the heat from the coffee melted the tablets almost instantly, so I had solved the problem of properly dissolving them. On the other hand, everything else.
The coffee bubbled and fizzed, then crusted over. It was like watching a recreation of the Earth being formed.
The fact that the tablets diffused completely, along with the fact that I was using a much smaller cup, meant that I got about ten times more bacon taste than all the previous drinks combined.
I tried to pretend it was just delicious hot chocolate.
There was more smoky bacon flavor in a single drop of coffee than in what should legally be allowed to be in anything, ever. One sip felt like drinking an entire pig farm.
That approach didn't work.
To call the bacon coffee "disgusting" would be an insult to the word "disgusting," but I can't think of a better word to describe the taste. I did think of several words immediately after drinking it, but it would be rude to repeat them here.
Experiment 7: BACON BEER
I chose to end my experiments with a nice, relaxing beer. I selected a honey brown lager, as I felt the hint of sweet honey would mix well with the bacon, without eliminating the flavor like a stronger tasting beer might. Also, it was the cheapest beer in the store.
There was a foamy head on the beer after I poured it, but the tablets wiped that out. They also gave the beer a much darker color; this was by far the most physical change the tablets had caused in a drink.
Honey Bacon Lager: When you want the taste of liquid bacon, but the calories of solid bacon!
The flavors seemed to cancel each other out; the taste of honey beer was completely gone, and the bacon taste was heavily diluted. It was still strong enough to give the beer an interesting twist, but not so strong that I couldn't keep it down.
I'm drinking beer at 11:00AM on a Thursday, because even when I'm doing comedy experiments I like to stick to my normal routine.
I kind of liked the beer, although after the coffee I'm pretty sure I could have enjoyed a refreshing glass of antifreeze.
Conclusion
As much as it pains me to say this, I am forced to conclude that modern society has yet to reach the point where the delicious taste of bacon can be recreated in our favorite drinks.
The tomato juice was the only truly successful experiment. The beer and Coke were tolerable, but inferior to the taste of their individual components, and the other four beverages ranged from "bad" to "Oh God, why did I agree to do this?"
But I remain hopeful for the future; there's potential here, potential that will one day be realized. I only hope I live to see it. And when I say that, I don't mean it will take decades to get the taste right; I mean that it feels like my stomach's going to explode.
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