Mung Takes Home The Gold - All Hail Redwing!
A comedy article
by MungChamp  35,891  35
12/20/2010 04:54 PM 262 views
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The box arrived from Arizona and I knew it was either the severed head of a Mexican Mafia member, three kilos of Bogota Bullion or my Secret Santa Frost-ing my mind Poe with gifts. I pulled out the Jergens and Paper towel for whatever was in the box and tried to temper my expectations.
When I opened the box, I noticed a picture of some hot chicks and a few dudes. Everyone was clothed, so I quickly moved on to the next piece of paper.
The letter explained the various gifts in the box and why I am so awesome and deserve to be showered with presents. I didn't actually read the letter, but since I have taken an Evelyn Woods speed reading class, I know the gist of words just by looking at a page. The wall o' text didn't capture my attention, so I immediately tossed it aside and dived head first into the package like Popinator into a freshly deuced up Port-O-Potty.
As I started to thumb through the gifts, I noticed a certain pattern started to emerge. There were a lot of "Rub" innuendos, so many that I almost stopped rubbing myself and thought I was being watched. Of course, I didn't really stop, and the thought excited me, so once I finished I continued rummaging.
As you can see, he showered me with several rubs, recipes, gear (shirt and hat) and meat. The hat was a nice touch and reminded me of my desire to kill Ravos in 2011.
At the bottom of the box, I saw a shimmer of light and something caught my eye. The glimmer was my golden ticket. I was having a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory moment. I felt like I had been lured into a lair of candy and clown midgets, without the creepy uncle dressed in purple trying to get me to come play with him.
Actually, scratch that, it was EXACTLY that kind of moment!
What lay at the bottom of the box moistened my masculinity and validated my existence. I finally had an effigy to match the gold pouch around my neck!
It was the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film in the German deviant category! Ever since I was snubbed and the Oscar went to "Fecalpheliac Snack Attack", I have been really down on myself. I can't thank Redwing enough for recognizing my achievements over the year and being such a kick ass Secret Santa!
If you see him around, please five orb him. Also, if you happen to know where the blow and severed head are, please let me know. I need to make sure they are wrapped and under the tree for the wife by Saturday.
XOXO
Mung
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
14 votes
4.4
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Shell Belle 77,143  25
12/20/2010 05:32 PM
If you see him around, please five orb him.
I'll try, but he's a quiet one. Not like the rest of us post whores around here.
Awesome gift!
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Side-splitting
5 votes
5.0
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Jeeni isn't not Naughty This Year 47,815 51
12/20/2010 05:34 PM
Congrats, Mung!
For everyone else: If you're like me, you wanted to see what Redwing wrote to Mung. I've enlarged the photo of the letter, digitally enhanced it & ran it through OCR. I'm sure you will be very impressed with the extreme accuracy of the software:
Dear Mung Chimp,
Since you were much a good little boy which year when it comes to brunging the funny, ferrets has brestsword upon you the following gifts:
1. A pot... Santa has heard rumors that you like pots. Have you every think "who... there is a brought orange hat." Yes it is, but not just any bright orange pot. It is an "druggie Foods" bright orange hat, which means that if you are smoldering this hat, you will arin cry "Biggest Redneck Contest" whenever in the world you happen to be. Trust me on this. Art pens Feeds is endangered by the American Gaol Frosters Society, so wear it with pride.
2. Spices etc... Santa got such a kick out of your jerk off challenge thread that he sand you some American Rub Spices. This means that Santa is good at getting a joke, not so much when it comes to giving a joke. Do keep in mind though... rub the spices on midget you offered to eat not need you intend to keep!
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Side-splitting
4 votes
5.0
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Jeeni isn't not Naughty This Year 47,815 51
12/20/2010 05:34 PM
3. Y-Shakespeare... per obese. One thing for sure, wear the shirt and that together and you'll get on free to any tractor-pull, rooster-truck rally you come across.
4. Bag balm... You know you read it.
5. Jerky... Santa figured that you might need to keep your strength up with some jerky while you jerky. (Warmed you aboot Santa, didn't I?)
6. The Oscar... Santa felt that year submission even beat out Islandic Amazon Babes in Muddy Tuba and Climbing Geeksenfielfer an Best foreign Film so he called in a few fawkers with his friends at the Anatomy and Poof!... you have an Oscar!
M.C.,
Thanks for all the loafs this year. I wish you the hoppiest of times this Holiday Season. may you have the brewery of emaciating everyone that has retched your heart not only this your, but for all yours.
Pextwlng
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Side-splitting
5 votes
5.0
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Redwing 3,887 30
12/20/2010 08:47 PM
MungChamp, glad you liked the swag. About the picture, I just put that in to block the opening on the top of the box. That was taken during last years Phx. Coyotes/ Det. Redwings playoff game 5. Me and my two friends talked the Coyote cheerleaders into a little photo-op even though we had our Wings jerseys on, thus the girls blocking the winged wheels with their poms. That's me in the middle. The brunette next to me was the finest smelling girl I've ever encountered. If there truly is a heaven, then it must smell like her.
As for the severed head and kilos of blow... I'm sorry, although there is no shortage of severed heads or Peruvian marching powder 60 miles to the south of me, the Frost-ing Cartels are too busy killing each other to take care of their normal business of getting stuff across our border. If things change I'll let you know.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Jeeni isn't not Naughty This Year 47,815 51
12/20/2010 11:22 PM
Mung, if you don't already know, that Bag Balm stuff rocks. My husband calls it "Jesus cream". If you have cracked, split skin, rub it in (heh) just before bedtime and cover it up with gloves or socks overnight and the next morning, it's healed!
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