We often think of Christmas as a "cookie" season, but judging by my diet (probably not the best gauge, admittedly) and the multiple aisles of Christmas candy in every store, we manage to pack away an impressive quantity of sugar in December. So I decided to eat nothing but candy for a solid week, then report on the colorful results. [Read Part 1 here.]
Day 4: Sunday
Sunday, the day of rest. But not for my taste buds! (Insert commercial jingle here.)
You know what would have been a good idea? If I had saved the chocolate football for when I was actually watching football. If I had the power to go back in time and change one thing in history, it would be that. Not the Kennedy assassination or 9/11, but saving my chocolate football.
I filled up on Dove Dark Chocolate snowflakes instead. The dark chocolate was a good decision, since it's good for your heart. And if there's anything that this week's experiment is intended to do, it's emphasize the importance of good nutrition.
The rest of my day consisted of eating little foil-covered chocolate snowmen, "Candy Cane" Pop Rocks, gummy gingerbread men (which were root beer flavored [?]), about two weeks' worth of chocolate from an Advent calendar to catch up, and Christmas-colored jelly beans. Well, really just the red, which were cinnamon. The green were sour apple, so I threw those away. I mean, I have standards.
Day 4 Results:
Hunger Level: 4
Mental Stability: 8
How much do I still like candy? 8
Day 5: Monday
I've passed the halfway point! I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that could also be symptoms of early-onset blindness from the sugar.
Oh good, they included my favorite flavor: Robitussin.
Most of my day will be made up of this monstrous box of chocolates, which came stacked in four mouth-watering trays.
Yeah, these should last for a while.
My biggest worry is that they didn't include the map. Luckily there are no revolting flavors in a Zachary candy box, so it's not as risky as a Whitman's Sampler. But still, I don't want to bite into maple, expecting lemon.
After the first few it's pretty obvious: these aren't very good. Good thing I only have about sixty more to go! They may not taste great, but it should provide the energy to keep me going. 3,800 calories' worth of energy, in fact.
It didn't keep me full for very long, but on the plus side it did give me enough of a violent stomachache that I didn't feel the need to eat until bedtime. Then I polished off a forest of Reese's Peanut Butter Trees.
Day 5 Results:
Hunger Level: 6
Mental Stability: 7
How much do I still like candy? 7
Day 6: Tuesday
The almost complete lack of nutrition was taking its toll. I drastically overslept, despite the fact that my alarm was blaring in my ear. The next thing I remembered was sitting down at work. No lie: it was a complete candy blackout.
Assuming these mental roadblocks were a result of a lack of Omega-3s, I thought it best to start the day off with some fish.
I don't actually think the hat-wearing is scientifically accurate.
I really, really hate fish. Any kind, except Swedish. But I figured an eight inch, crispy chocolate fish wearing a Santa hat would taste okay.
Maybe it would be better with tartar sauce.
It still didn't taste that good, but it was still better than a real one.
Is that bear in the corner drunk?
Later on, I devoured a bunch of foil-covered chocolate Santas. I kept trying to figure out why the Santa in the middle was smelling a pine tree air freshener, until I realized it was his glove. He is making a "shh" gesture. Which normally wouldn't seem so threatening, except in the other wrappers he has a pimp cane, is grabbing at his belt, and in the last one is in mid-bitch slap. So if this Santa is telling you to be quiet, you're in for something unspeakable.
After mentally refusing little foil-covered Santa's sexual advances, the next meal was appropriate: coal.
Real coal probably tastes better.
Chocolate coal, that is. As I chewed the coal, I realized my week of sugar was shutting down all kinds of systems in my brain. The coal was covered in black foil, which was now in my mouth, zapping my fillings.
For my last big meal of the day, I went with something I knew how to operate: a Pez dispenser.
Impossibly difficult to load.
The Pez didn't get off to a great start, since I got screwed and only got one pack of grape out of about twenty packs. But it was okay. Because any food that comes out of Santa's trachea is automatically delicious.
Day 6 Results:
Hunger Level: 8
Mental Stability: 4
How much do I still like candy? 5
Day 7: Wednesday
This was it: the final day. I woke up exhausted again, since having a blood sugar content of 1.7% results in terrible sleep. You'd think that my near-permanently shaking legs would wear me out, but it doesn't work that way.
After the previous day being filled with a lot of crappy chocolate, I wanted to get off to a good start. So my breakfast was a bag of Dark Hershey's Kisses, chased with a bag of Almond Hershey's Kisses.
Little known fact: the flags are actually inedible.
When I had the gigantic candy cane, it got tiring pretty quickly. So I figured the problem must lie in fact that it was one candy cane. This time, I tried a bunch of smaller candy canes. Sixty of them, to be precise.
Oh good, they're NATURALLY flavored. I'd hate for them to be unhealthy.
My calculations were incorrect. By the third candy cane, I didn't want any more. But since the box was already open, might as well polish off the other fifty-seven.
Is there such a thing as having breath that is too fresh? My eyes were practically watering every time I exhaled.
Hours later, my breath was still too minty to jump back into chocolate. To ease the transition, I went with a box of ribbon candy. You might know it by another name: "Old People Candy."
These and Werther's Originals are the Batman and Robin of senior candy.
Eating this was probably the most annoying food of the week. My mental faculties were as sharp as a Fisher Price knife. So when grabbing a piece of the candy, I forgot how to maintain a grip, and dropped it on the carpet.
Remember before when I said "carpet"? That didn't stop the ribbon candy from shattering into eighteen thousand pieces. Oh my GOD, I hate this stuff.
As something of a reward, I saved two of the best candies for last. Almond Roca is fantastic, I think because it's mostly just butter and sugar.
Jay-Z's favorite candy.
I devoured these, as my body was craving food, and butter was close enough. Then for my last meal, I went with the most elegant of dining experiences: Ferrero Rocher (which sounds like an Italian lingerie company).
That one in the top row is shy.
I don't know if eating these was so enjoyable because they're so good, or if because I knew that after this I could eat real food again. It's a chicken or Cadbury Creme Egg situation, I guess.
Day 7 Results:
Hunger Level: 9
Mental Stability: 3
How much do I still like candy? 5
Conclusions
After a week of candy, a few things became clear. I should specify only a few things became clear, because by that point a large portion of my brain had been starved to death.
First of all, candy is not filling. Sure, it may spoil your appetite, but that's about as far as it goes. Secondly, it probably eats away at your brain faster than it does your teeth. This week certainly put me on the mental road toward becoming a mongoloid. Finally, apparently candy is really good for you.
To see just how much destruction this week had done to my body, I had weighed myself before starting. Somehow, I lost four pounds. I believe this is because candy is the new miracle weight loss secret! You might argue that it is due to violent malnourishment. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree.
All I know is, I am very grateful to be able to return to the world of normal food. So if you'll excuse me, there are some Christmas cookies I've been putting off for far too long.
Robb Posch is a writer and connoisseur of fine foods (mostly cereal, candy, and soda). Read more at coke-babies.com.
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