This New Year's Eve, my celebration is going to be a little different. Oh, I'll still be clutching a bottle of Night Train in my parent's basement, sobbing quietly to myself and trying to pinpoint the moment where my life went wrong; but dammit, this time I won't be hungover! I'm going to avoid that fate by finding the ultimate hangover cure.
Now, a study in the British Medical Journal concluded that the only effective way to avoid a hangover is to avoid drinking. But XtremeQuips.com says that consuming a pair of pickled sheep eyes dunked in a glass of tomato juice will eliminate the symptoms. Whom do I believe?
Sure, I could've just listened to "science" or "common sense" or my "loved ones;" but there was only one way for me to be certain. I needed to get drunk, test folk remedies, and do serious damage to my liver, all in the name of my unrelenting desire to find the truth! And also because I'm an alcoholic.
Experiment 1: Honey
I started with something basic. Teaspoons of honey supposedly help ease hangovers, as "the potassium in the honey helps counteract the effects of the alcohol." That sounded vaguely scientific, so I was optimistic.
This is how Winnie-the-Pooh cures a night of furious partying with Piglet.
The number of teaspoons you're supposed to consume varies depending on the severity of the hangover. My hangover could be classified as somewhere in-between "Oh my God, I'll never drink again," and "Oh my God, I think that random girl was my sister!" which meant I needed to bypass the teaspoons completely.
I always drink straight from the bottle anyway.
I quickly learned that honey, while delicious as an additive, rapidly loses its appeal when you guzzle half a bottle of it. I actually think it made my hangover worse, as my headache got stronger, my throat dried up and my stomach started to ache. Also, when I went outside, bees tried to build a hive in my esophagus.
Some belated additional research revealed that you can get as much potassium from a single banana as you can from three pounds of honey. And as a bonus, eating the banana won't give you a heart attack. Damn, who would have thought that internet hangover cures could have missed that important fact?
Experiment 2: Pickle Juice
Sauerkraut juice is purportedly a traditional German cure, but unfortunately a group of alcoholic Germans had cleaned out my local grocery store's sauerkraut supply. Luckily, pickle juice is also supposed to work in a pinch, and there were plenty of pickles on hand.
Now, I don't like pickles, but I don't like tomatoes either and I think tomato juice is delicious, so I assumed the same logic would apply here. But you know what they say about assumptions tearing a new ass into your taste buds. Wait, is that how the saying goes?
Something this disgusting should cause a hangover, not cure it.
The results of this experiment were inconclusive; I can't tell you if pickle juice cures hangovers or not, because I would rather suffer the worst hangover in the history of drinking than consume a glass of pickle juice. My body literally rejected it; I began to gag as soon as the juice hit my lips, and an attempt to force down a sip resulted in dry heaves. The mere sight of pickles now makes me retch a little bit.
This picture doesn't fully convey my disgust, but I'm too ashamed to use the one where I'm crying.
Actually, I take back what I said about the experiment being inconclusive. Pickle juice does help, because the nauseating taste distracts you from your other ailments. Sort of like how you don't notice the pain of a stubbed toe after you get shot in the face.
Experiment 3: Garlic Yoghurt
Yoghurt flavored with garlic is supposedly an ancient Turkish remedy. The website I found this tidbit on didn't specify what kind of yoghurt, so I went with French vanilla; that way I could combat my hangover with the power of multiculturalism.
The website also didn't specify how much garlic to use, so I played it safe and added a lot, allowing me to both cure my hangover and hide the lingering stench of alcohol from anyone I encountered that day. Plus, this way I could fight vampires with my breath.
I think this is why the Ottoman Empire collapsed.
As you can see, I accidentally went a little overboard with the garlic. But I wasn't concerned; I assumed that would only increase the mixture's hangover fighting power. I was wrong.
Horribly wrong.
It didn't taste that bad at first, but the aftertaste was like ... well, it was like eating a hell of a lot of garlic. I don't think there's an appropriate simile for that, unless we can count "it tasted like how retarded I felt for trying to cure my hangover with garlic yoghurt."
It took hours for the taste of garlic to leave my mouth. Hours that were spent nursing an awful hangover and enduring questions like "Did you eat a clove of garlic for lunch, or what?" and "A kiss? Hell no, get away from me, you creep!" So not only did I suffer the pain of a hangover, but I endured emotional pain as well. But at least that gave me an incentive to keep drinking.
I had had no luck curing my hangovers so far, which meant it was time to try the really bizarre remedies.
Please continue to part 2: Tabasco sauce! Raw lemons! Terrible pain!
|
|
Store
2,105 
7 
1,144 
4
