My Presidential "To-Do" List A comedy article
by Under-appreciated. 101,398 77 01/05/2011 12:42 PM 393 views
On a recent trip to Target, I picked up a set of U.S. President flash cards for $1. Last night I opened the box and started checking them out - I can honestly say that some of these past Presidents were total hotties! Surprising, right? Now, I'm not very well versed in the historical accomplishments of most of these guys, so when I decided to make a list of the ones I found bangable, I tried to not to take anything into account other than how they were depicted on the front of the card.
Here is my presidential "to-do" list.
George Washington: "The Father of His Country"
America's 1st president, 1789-1797
Look at George's face - I cannot tell a lie because he clearly isn't going to put up with any bullShakespeare from his woman. He's got a riding crop in one hand, and the other is outstretched, as if telling me that I need to bend over this table right here and he is going to punish me for being a BAD girl.
Ok, on second look maybe that isn't a riding crop - it's some sort of sword - but that is beside the point. He is STILL going to teach me a lesson. He's called the father of his country, and he doesn't need to ask "Who's Your Daddy?" because yeah, I definitely already know the answer.
Clearly, whoever designed these cards had seen this video, because damn.
Benjamin Harrison: "Young Tippecanoe;" "The Centennial President"
America's 23rd president, 1889-1893
I don't care about anything other than the fact that this guy is responsible for the creation of the Matrix. Seriously, he looks JUST like the Architect.
AND he's got some bling.
Ulysses Simpson Grant: "The Hero of Appomattox"
America's 18th president, 1869-1877
Russell Crow, oh yeah! Plus he's on the $50 bill. On the back of the card, it says that he changed his name from Hiram Ulysses Grant to avoid having initials that spelled out "hug." Isn't that just sweet?! He's really a soft squishy snugglebug underneath that badass civil war general facade. Awww.
Thomas Jefferson: "The father of the Declaration of Independence"
America's 3rd president, 1801-1809
I think TJ here is my favorite. He has these super-intense eyes that make me want to strip off my panties, if I were still wearing some. My husband told me that this dude seduced a Shakespeareload of girls back in the day. I think that's why his face is carved on Mount Rushmore - the first presidential player, amirite?
John Fitzgerald Kennedy: "JFK"
America's 35th president, 1961-1963
Johnboy here looks deep in thought. Is he going to bring me flowers tonight, or candy? (Pro-tip: I like those Lindt milk chocolate truffles.) I have to admit though, I didn't choose JFK solely because of the pensive mood his picture is portraying. No, I also considered his reputation. Like most girls, I'm a sucker for a man with a nice car, and I remember seeing him rolling in a convertible that one time. Course, after that he was rolling on the floorboards with a hole in his head, but we're not going to talk about that. (I also wouldn't mind receiving one of those Edible Arrangement fruit baskets.)
George Herbert Walker Bush: "41"
America's 41st president, 1989-1993
I've seen recent photos of this dude, and I ain't hittin' that flabby-necked fool. The sexy CIA-era Bush can do me any day, however. I like the way he's grinning at me. Kind of a lazy, come-hither look that would have me on my knees in no time flat. I also like the idea of him continuing to peruse that paper he's holding while I service him underneath it.
Woodrow Wilson: "The Professor"
America's 28th president, 1913-1921
At first Woody caught my eye because he has a face that reminded me of a celebrity. I couldn't quite decide which one though, so I almost discarded him as an option. However, while vacillating over whether I'd bang him or not, I decided he'd be a good choice if I felt like role-playing a teacher/student scenario. So, let's award him an honorable mention in case I need an A later.
Another honorable mention, mostly because I like his facial hair.
So, there you have it - my list of presidents I'd like to sleep with. Interestingly enough, after looking over my choices,I discovered that I had an almost even mix of democrats and republicans represented here. Now THAT is one way to reach across the aisle.
As a history buff, and, not incidentally, someone who has been said to resemble The Architect, I had a great appreciation for this article. I tried to 5orb it twice.
By the way, Martha Washington was pretty hot, too.
But Al wouldn't have stopped if Dubya still drank...he would've just said "OK, tell ya what...FIRST person to pass out concedes Florida!" It woulda worked.
(for those of you to stupid hung over to think...Dubya would have conceded because he would've out drunk Al to the point of passing out...logic was never his strong point..not unlike spelling for me)
After having flipped through these cards a few times now, I think I could get a couple more articles out of them if anyone is interested. Not sure if you guys would like another listing like this though. I'm thinking the next one would be of American snowflakes who made it to the White House. Some of these men look like mongoloids. Any interest?
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