Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/11/2011 07:06 PM

I also just realised I'm turning to Zug to make me feel normal... that must say something very wrong about me.

Thud 68,525 19
01/11/2011 07:08 PM

Nope. Never happens to anyone else. You weird.


What that what you had in mind?

Drewcifer aka Order 66 46,366 58
01/11/2011 07:11 PM

I came.

Millie 116,989 28
01/11/2011 07:14 PM

I think it's pretty common, though it's never happened to me. My friend (yes, really my friend--not me) was drunk one night and had sex while wearing a tampon which pushed it way up inside her and she had to go the the hospital to get it out. The nurse told her it happens all the time. Maybe she was just making her feel better, though.

I think what you really need to worry about is that because the condom came off and all that sperm spilled into you, you could get preggo. I'm just sayin'...

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/11/2011 07:16 PM

Thanks Thud, nearly there. Now where's your embarrassing sex story?

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/11/2011 07:18 PM

I think what you really need to worry about is that because the condom came off and all that sperm spilled into you, you could get preggo. I'm just sayin'...


Pro-lifers turn away:

That's been taken care of as well, Millie.

Also, how did you friend not realise that would happen? That's much grosser, and ergo it makes me feel much better about myself, thank you!

Decaf Chickens 286,647 61
01/11/2011 07:24 PM

Hen's yapper dog sleeps on the foot of our bed.

One time I was balls deep and my moon was high and exposed. Suddenly I feel an ice cold nose on my starfish.

I screamed like a girl. All sexy like that.

Millie 116,989 28
01/11/2011 07:34 PM

SCB, the morning after pill should not offend pro-lifers (but it does because they are silly.) I'm glad you won't have to worry.

As for my friend, she was totally wasted. I don't like to have sex when I'm drunk, so this kind of thing never happens to me. I would remember that I had a tampon in and put the kibosh on any sex.

Recently when I was in bed with Daisy at my house, my cat decided she wanted to jump on the bed, not realizing we were busy. She jumped right onto the back of Daisy's legs, and, realizing she wasn't on the comforter, stuck her claws out for traction. He yelled super loud. I thought he was really into it until I realized what happened, and then I started laughing so hard we had to take a break.

I think the most embarrassing sex related thing that has happened to me is that, when I was 20 or so, I was in the car with my boyfriend and was either giving him a blowjob or about to or something--I can't remember--but his dick poked me in the eye. Really hard. I had a black eye the next day. The embarrassing thing was that I worked with him and his father, and his brother-in-law and uncle, etc. He told a friend of his what happened. His friend told one of the guys at the shop. Soon, everyone, including his father, knew about it. I was not happy.

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/12/2011 08:27 AM

And he never got a blowjob again...

BisectYouAll 5,200 15
01/12/2011 09:34 AM

Maybe you should have an honest chat with your man and tell him he needs to start buying medium "latex" instead of the XL kind. A properly fit runner keeps the doctor away, if you know what I mean.

Oh, and keep it out of your butt. You can't get pregnant through there anyhow.

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/12/2011 10:06 AM

Maybe he was buying a medium, but actually needs small sized.

Whistler 186,138 44
01/12/2011 10:08 AM

My sister-in-law worked for many years in an inner city ER, and she's told us tons of stories about people with various items stuck up their various orifices. A condom stuck up there is a regular occurrence. They still snicker about you behind your back, though. Sorry.

I've already posted the story of how I got a concussion during sex, and how I almost gave my wife one. For those who haven't read it yet, you can find it here.

Nachos 57,521 23
01/12/2011 10:09 AM

Meh. At least there were medical professionals involved in the above stories. I'm the one that had to go virtually forearm deep once to retrieve a missing tampon.

It's times like this where having small wrists and almost being able to dislocate my thumbs becomes very useful.

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/12/2011 10:30 AM

Once upon a time, I cheated on my boyfriend by having sex with a random stranger really good friend.

After said sex, we couldn't find the condom. I had to get back to the boyfriend (who I was living with at the time) so I went ahead and went home.

Boyfriend and I were so on the rocks already that he wasn't surprised when I came home naked and crying drunk and pissy. I used the bar-smoke smell on me as an excuse to need an immediate shower. It took me 20 minutes of spelunking to find the lost condom. I believe that it was somewhere between my spleen and my lungs.

The guy's penis was not exceptionally small or large, nor was the condom inappropriately sized. The trouble was that he humped like the Energizer Bunny on a Red Bull bender and only Shakespeare made by NASA can stand up to that kind of friction.

Whistler 186,138 44
01/12/2011 10:34 AM

spelunking

Okay, NOW I'm horny.

Midgets 96,151 48
01/12/2011 10:40 AM

Everytime someone here has sex it's embarrassing for somebody, so I expect this thread to reach several hundred posts by lunch.

Millie 116,989 28
01/12/2011 12:21 PM

You know, if you get something stuck up there (I had a tampon with the string broke off once) the best way to get it out is to squat really low, almost to the floor, then you can get up there and get it. Of course, I would think a condom would be harder to get than a tampon.

Brad Poynter 36,184 48
01/12/2011 12:26 PM

Sticking it in with a condom on and pulling it out without one is much better than the other way around.

BisectYouAll 5,200 15
01/12/2011 12:56 PM

I got tickled by a tampon once. I was like, "That doesn't feel quite right". So, I pushed harder, until she felt it. She calmly said "hang on", went to the bathroom, came back in a couple seconds and said, "Okay, carry on!"

She must have been quite a slut if she didn't realize that "thing" was still in there. It was awkward, but I had needs, so I finished, took a short nap and left.

Decaf Chickens 286,647 61
01/12/2011 01:28 PM

...and wiped it off on the curtains.

Bean 8,607 19
01/12/2011 01:30 PM

I can't think of an actual embarrassing sex story, so I have an embarrassing make out story.

I was on the rag, and wearing a tampon that I had only been wearing for maybe 30 minutes. I had NEVER bled through a tampon before. I told him we could not have sex cuz I was on the rag, and so we were making out and I was on top of him, kinda riding him with our pants on, and when we stopped, he fell asleep. I looked down and found that I had bled thru the tampon, through my underwear and my pants, and all over his pants.

Absolutely. Mortified.

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
01/12/2011 01:32 PM

Before we pulled the goalie in our attempt to pro-create (wife is now 21 weeks pregnant with our first {no you can't have it}), my wife was on the Nuva Ring.

Usually she would remove it prior to "relations" but the doctors assured her it wasn't necessary and occasionally alcohol or passion got the best of us and we went at it with the device in place.

I always felt like I had won a carnival game when after I was done, I'd remove my proud guy and he'd won the ring toss game. She never did give me a giant stuffed giraffe though. Ripoff.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
01/12/2011 02:03 PM

Another reason I don't use condoms.

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/12/2011 02:16 PM

wife is now 21 weeks pregnant with our first
...
She never did give me a giant stuffed giraffe though. Ripoff.

She's working on it. Give it a few months.

Stone Cold Bikini 62,262 18
01/12/2011 02:26 PM

Of course, I would think a condom would be harder to get than a tampon.


I've never had to fish for a tampon, but took the doctor less than fifteen seconds to find the condom. It was very emasculating for the lover, who'd spent a good five minutes searching immediately after the fact. So romantic.

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
01/12/2011 02:30 PM

She's working on it. Give it a few months.

If it comes out a giraffe and/or black I'm out the door!

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
01/12/2011 02:33 PM

Well, at least he was sweet enough to go to the doctor's office with you.

But you know he's telling all his friends that he Frosted you so hard you had to go to the ER as soon as you were done.

BisectYouAll 5,200 15
01/12/2011 04:57 PM

I got peed on once, and the chick tried to fake me out into believing it was an uber-orgasm. It was warm and then gross.

The Mailman 176,467 56
01/12/2011 05:15 PM

You know, somewhere on a different message board right now, there is a guy who is bragging about how he managed to push a condom so deep in that he needed to take his girlfriend to the clinic to retrieve it.

SIV9939 13,642 16
01/12/2011 05:29 PM

Once we were trying a new possession, and my little guy baseball bat made a sound similar to cracking your fingers, which was made slightly more awkward by the fact it didn't hurt, although it definitely killed the mood.

Disco Bob 4,322 8
01/12/2011 05:48 PM

a new "possession" siv, do you think the problem was maybe that you were Frost-ing the devil?

Marma-Mia 12,955 12
01/12/2011 05:49 PM

I don't have any funny sex stories. Mainly because I don't get enough.

But my friend however, told me that he was going at it with his ladyfriend, when the dog runs into the bedroom, jumps on the bed and proceeds to join in.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, the dog started to try and hump my friends exposed butt. Not surprisingly, this very quickly put paid to aforementioned bumping-of-the-uglies.

Dog conseqently banned from the bedroom.

Sarah PaIin: dinosaurs wore saddles 39,193 20
01/13/2011 09:27 AM

I've definitely had that happen before, SCB. Twice. The most recent time it took me a couple days to get it out because I was not about to pay out of my ass to have someone dig around in my vag. It was a decidedly uncomfortable feeling, too. Felt like I had to queef for two days.

Ok, now who's horny?

Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
01/13/2011 09:42 AM

She never did give me a giant stuffed giraffe

I can't seem to find this on Urban Dictionary.

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/13/2011 09:42 AM

This happened to two friends of mine (not me, really.)

They were out in the park, and going at it while she was bent over a picnic table. The guy is just going at it when a guy walking his dog walks by, so they stop and basically freeze like a deer in the headlights. The guy walking the dog stops and stands there, looking him right in the eye and says "Nice day, isn't it?" and then proceeds to have a 10 minute conversation while the guy is still in his girlfriend. Then he continues on his merry way. Neither of them knew this guy, it was just some random stranger.

Decaf Chickens 286,647 61
01/13/2011 11:08 AM

"Bloody cold out today, eh?"

"It's warm inside, let me tell you."

Closet Friend 7,665 11 cuts right to the chase
01/14/2011 01:30 PM

Yada, yada, yada, she's been talking dirty, I'm in a zone, we're both now making noises and the big finish is nearing when, suddenly, "Uh oh, it's my mom!"

Stupid call-waiting...

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/14/2011 06:11 PM

I used the bar-smoke smell on me as an excuse to need an immediate shower.

My cheating ass whore of an ex wife used to use that excuse all the time.... just sayin'.

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/14/2011 07:20 PM

You must have a 4" dick, too.

Madness 4,366 10
01/14/2011 09:45 PM

I think I might be able to not only oblige, but offer a sound piece of advice to all men present. That advice my brothers is:

Do not use lube that contains mosturizers

My girlfriend was tasked with watching her sisters house while she was on vacation. Naturally, she did what any responsible and loving sister would do, and spent most of the time at my house where we screwed like rabbits. It got to the point where hips started to get sore and so things wound down into heavy petting.

I got my knob hand polished 2-3 times that night using this moisturizing lube, which had a sort of uncomfortable cooling sensation like I just rammed my dick into a snowbank, which sort of turned me off, which in turn necessitated a longer polishing session with more lube. Like a fool, I never told her to stop because my Coleridge was getting frostbite.

As the night passed, she went back to her sisters and I went to bed, only to be woken up a few hours later with the feeling I had wet myself. An initial inspection revealed that only my crotch area was affected and I had wet myself with what had appeared to be pure water. I dried off, changed, and went back to bed, only to be woken up by the worst case of the crotch sweats another 4 times that night before my dick finally shed all that water it had been retaining.

The next day I berated my girlfriend for not knowing how lucky she is she makes her own goddamn lube.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/15/2011 10:33 AM

You must have a 4" dick, too.

But you said it was a good size!

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/15/2011 11:29 AM

I say a lot of things.

Anything complimentary about your dick is not one of them .

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/15/2011 08:47 PM

Anything complimentary about your dick is not one of them .

Panda missed the Mallrats reference, Its hard to say anything about it when your mouth is full of it!

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/15/2011 10:43 PM

Touche.

In my defense, I don't really pay enough attention to you to think you have anything of value to say.



Pretty much the way I treated that boyfriend.


I blame the 4" penis.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/15/2011 10:48 PM

I blame the 4" penis.

Hey, 4 inches isn't so bad, so long as you aren't trying to put it into the grand canyon....

Drewcifer aka Order 66 46,366 58
01/15/2011 11:44 PM

Dude, Mike...

Quit talking to the popular girls.

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/15/2011 11:47 PM

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? It's pretty Frost-ing amazing. You don't get there and think, "this is too big for me to enjoy." Nosir. You stand there and you think "goddamn, I'm lucky to be on the edge of something so freakin' glorious."

Drewcifer aka Order 66 46,366 58
01/16/2011 01:17 AM

Better late than pregnant.

Decaf Chickens 286,647 61
01/16/2011 03:30 AM

Best justification for a floppy cooch ever!

Nachos 57,521 23
01/16/2011 05:51 AM

Have you ever been to the Grand Canyon? It's pretty Frost-ing amazing. You don't get there and think, "this is too big for me to enjoy." Nosir. You stand there and you think "goddamn, I'm lucky to be on the edge of something so freakin' glorious."

When I went there my dad make jokes about letting the car fall into it.

And the RV next to us.

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/16/2011 12:57 PM

Sorry 'bout your mom.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
01/16/2011 01:33 PM

Panda,

Have I told you lately that I love you?


Bill.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/16/2011 04:25 PM

You stand there and you think "goddamn, I'm lucky to be on the edge of something so freakin' glorious."

That or "Jesus Christ, why is it so dry?"

Drewcifer aka Order 66 46,366 58
01/17/2011 12:30 AM

mmmmm...huge Poe...

turtlepower 77 5
01/19/2011 01:51 AM

I never thought in my life I would ever leave a tampon in. And then, last month, I did. And it was horrifying.

My period had ended two days before. I was in the shower, shaving my what not, which led to me cleaning my what not. I was squatted down and stuck a finger in me only to realize a part of me that normally feels very different suddenly felt rough and numb. Oh god I though, as I felt it further, what is wrong inside of me. With fear sending spurts of adrenaline through me, I grasped the numb part with two fingers in an effort to figure out what was wrong...and oh god it moved! OH God, I'm pulling at it! WHAT AM I PULLING OUT OF ME!
Images from Alien ran through my brain, I don't know why and please don't worry about it. Can you imagine the pure terror of thinking you are pulling a piece of your vagina out of yourself only to look down and realize it is a tampon? And then begin to wonder how long it has been in you?
Jesus, I've got to take a shower now.

Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
01/19/2011 07:46 AM

Have you checked your Thanksgiving turkey in the oven?


Jeez.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
01/19/2011 09:28 AM

I like turtlepower. Can I have her?

Whistler 186,138 44
01/19/2011 09:53 AM

I thought Turtlepower was Turtle when I first read that. And I asked myself, "When did Turtle go all Werehampsta on us?"

Taco > You 61,976 36
01/19/2011 11:34 AM

You know what's not great? Throwing up Greek yogurt in your mouth. Guh.

turtle10 42,578 26
01/19/2011 11:45 AM

I don't endorse the noob turtlepower. Unless she is hot. Then i would endorse her for about 3 and a half minutes, maybe even four.


But for the record, I still have all the equipment i was born with and I have never lost a tampon inside me.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
01/19/2011 11:54 AM

Taco, we don't care about your opinions, just stand in the corner, look cute, and show us your boobs.

Pandasarus 181,795 70
01/19/2011 05:58 PM

But for the record, I still have all the equipment i was born with and I have never lost a tampon inside me.

Samesies.


Turtle power, indeed!

KChikita Ipanema 128,451 98
01/19/2011 06:40 PM

I still have all the equipment I was born with and...uhh, oh dear. Umm...