Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/20/2011 05:20 AM

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began th e inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/20/2011 05:20 AM

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YO U!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Under-appreciated. 101,398 77
01/20/2011 07:19 AM

Holy Shakespeare, that was actually good. It should have been submitted as an article though.

WhyMi? 3,549 12
01/20/2011 08:44 AM

Sounds like you ought to talk to Zolton. I hear he's looking for some hot stuff to help warm up.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/20/2011 10:20 AM

I didn't think of it, I was too busy Shakespeare-ing again Maybe now I'm having the brain farts?

KChikita Ipanema 128,451 98
01/20/2011 10:23 AM

/rimshot

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/20/2011 11:16 AM

Sounds like you ought to talk to Zolton. I hear he's looking for some hot stuff to help warm up.

I hear taco likes having things sent to her as well.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/20/2011 11:23 AM

We know what happens when I eat chili, anyone know what'd happen if I ate Taco?

Ravosaurus 63,472 21
01/20/2011 11:25 AM

Probably approximately the same thing.

Marma-Mia 12,955 12
01/20/2011 11:32 AM

AWESOME!

Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
01/20/2011 11:37 AM

How good are IT department headsets?


Yesterday the delicious squash soup I had for lunch had me blowing a 2 liter of ass gas every five minutes.

As usual, my IT call took 25 minutes. That ended up being several very long, very loud explosions.

Never heard any giggles. So I have high hopes.

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/20/2011 11:51 AM

I have been trying to eat healthier, Every morning I have a fiber bar. Eating ONE has produced some of the loudest, foulest explosions (aside from the chili ones of course). Driving the bus has been a nervous adventure. I am so afraid of the blame I will have to admit to eventually.

Which would be worse:

No more respect from the children?
A dead child?
They try to compete with me?

Jesus Don't Want Me For a Satanist 4,199 12
01/20/2011 03:57 PM

You should do a series of articles where you binge on various high fibre/fart inducing foods then enter various venues (cafes, restaurants, stores). Your first article could be called 'Colon Calamities at Church'.

WhyMi? 3,549 12
01/20/2011 05:07 PM

We know what happens when I eat chili, anyone know what'd happen if I ate Taco?

A restraining order and several broken ribs?

WhyMi? 3,549 12
01/20/2011 05:10 PM

How good are IT department headsets?

Well...depending on WHAT IT department you called there could be reason you heard no giggles. (yes, they ARE that good, so make no mistake, they heard you)

IF:
you called Abu in Mumbai: he didn't care figuring you've just enjoyed the latest curry, happens to him all the time.

you called Merrtle in Hoboken: she didn't care because she's used to hearing it from all her overweight coworkers

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/21/2011 10:27 AM

'Colon Calamities at Church'

I like my church thank you very much, BUT I'd be ok with "checking out" new churches!

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
01/22/2011 09:26 AM

I have considered all the angles, Doing this is a project I'd soon like to do. However, I have a few questions...

When should I let go? Prayer time?

What if's...

What if I'm arrested for creating a health emergency?
What If I Shakespeare my pants?