Republicans or Democrats: Whose Politics Are Most Bulletproof? A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 01/27/2011 11:10 PM 5649 views
Vote Republican, or Democrat? Sometimes it feels like a shot in the dark.
How can an ordinary guy like me make the decision between liberal/conservative without doing all the mind-numbing research on their views and agendas? There has to be an easier way.
Fear not, gentle gun-loving readers! Once again, I will use the power of literal metaphoric research science to answer one of the most difficult questions of our lifetime: whose politics are more bulletproof?
I know what you are thinking. "Brad, this may not be the best time to put the words shooting and politicians together." Rest assured that we came up with this idea weeks ago, and it was funny then. As we all know, great comedy never dies, though it occasionally has to be put on life support.
Seriously though, I love guns but hate the violence that people perpetrate with them. I promise that no politicians, lobbyists, or commentators will be harmed in this experiment. Unless I accidentally shoot my own eye out.
Red Ryder BB Gun: the gateway drug
Planning and Preparation
First, I had to choose something that would stand for the two different parties. I visited my local book shop, where I found two violent political books: Bush at War by Bob Woodward to represent the Republicans, and The Attack on Reason by Al Gore to represent Democrats.
These books seemed appropriate, since the 2000 presidential race is still the focus of many heated debates, and one more reason for people to hate Floridians. Second, the two books are nearly exactly the same thickness. Lastly, they were 50 cents apiece, while books by Obama, Hillary, Palin, and Beck were between $25 and $35 each. Here in the hills of Arkansas, we don't pay more than 10 cents a pound for manure, so they were completely out of the question.
If these books were "used," it was to test a hyperbaric chamber
Next, I had to choose my precisely calibrated research tools. To give the parties a fighting chance, I would start out with .22 caliber ammo, fired from my trusty .22-.410 over and under "squirrely rifle," and a .22 pistol that I borrowed from one of my buddies.
To ensure the books' destruction, I chose the 7.62x39mm round which would be fired from my AK, the .30-30 caliber fired from a borrowed lever-action hunting rifle, and the .410 shotgun round filled with 7 1/2 birdshot, fired from the over and under.
Finally, it was time to find out whose politics were full of holes.
The Testing
From previous experiments, I knew that a single book would not stop anything in my arsenal, so I decided this experiment would simply determine who had the more resilient politics. This would not be a satire on the inherent weaknesses of the two-party system. Seriously.
Bush at War was up first for the single .22 rifle shot, which went through the Republicans like a tax loophole for the rich.
You should really get that mole checked out, Mr. President
Who knew bullets could be ironic?
The Attack on Reason should have concentrated on defense, as it took a through and through to the appendix.
The assault on The Assault on Reason
When the Washington Post blasts a book, they really blast a book
Next, I fired fifteen .22 rounds into each book from the pistol, which to my chagrin kept jamming. Its failure to eject caused a few misses, as well as a rough video editing session later. However, both books were able to stop a bullet.
One bullet was stopped halfway through the middle of Bush at War. Maybe it hit a big word.
Gore's bullet stopped halfway through the book ... like everyone else who read it
Actually, the Attack on Reason was so dense it managed to stop two bullets.
In the end, Al Gore's book stopped the most bullets, securing the win for the Democrats! Sadly, they only stopped two out of sixteen rounds: far from bulletproof. They will have to settle for the title of Most Bullet Resistant. (See, Democrats? Guns are your friends.)
I would believe that Colin Powell was bulletproof.
Next came my favorite part. I took both books, and set them up with Bush at War up front. Now, I hold no ill will against Bush himself. But I thought if these two fine gentlemen were actually under fire, Gore would be hiding behind Bush. And Bush would have an Uzi.
The five 7.62x39mm bullets passed through both parties, as if they had congressional pay raises attached. Will anything ever be able to stop the AK?
Any lower and I would have hit him in the Woodward
This is the inkblot test they give to psychotic liberals
Not surprisingly, the two parties were also perforated by the bullets from the lever action rifle, like a politician taking a firm stance on prostitution.
Owie!
Book. Everywhere.
The majority of the .410 birdshot was stopped by bureaucratic wrangling, allowing only the most troublesome or miniscule pieces to pass though. I think this gun most accurately captured the modern political process.
This is why you never see all the heads of state together in one place
Conclusions
In summary, I learned that no one's politics are bulletproof, but Democrat politics are a little more resilient. I also learned that I should test fire every weapon before I use it in an experiment. Finally, I learned that in the next election, I might just be voting Libertarian. At least they're more fun to hang out with.
I just want to state for the record that I have no idea where that title image came from. If bad things start occuring under the crosshairs, I am being framed.
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