Fear of Valentines
A comedy article
by Up with the Chickens  286,647  61
02/14/2011 12:42 PM 537 views
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Let's face it folks. Valentines is a no win situation for those of us sporting outie sexual organs below the waist.
We've just barely survived Christmas and the great vacuum disaster (not an appropriate gift for the woman in your life no matter how much they love keeping house, let me tell you), and just a month and a half later we are again asked to demonstrate our love in a significant and monetarily draining way.
I look back on my single days when the logical thing was to break all romantic ties somewhere around Thanksgiving and pick things back up again come March. For the single guy, it's twice the peril. How do you keep her on the line, without hinting at eternal commitment? It's a fine line. Most of us just give up and declare intention to drop the pressure. Too little, and she's convinced you're a cheapskate, or worse, just keeping her on the line for the fringe benefits. Too much and you're either ready to commit or worse, one of those desperate-Joes who hands out Rolexes on the first date. She's either hooked you or pities you. Either way you're screwed, and not in the good way.
Fast forward 5 to 20 years and you are married with children, a mortgage, and a soul sucking job. But, time has come to step up to the plate and once again be the Romeo that she thought she hooked up with way back when. The pressure is on, boy.
I remind you this is not a holiday with the guy in mind. We're simple to please. A Steak and a BJ and we've just had the best day ever (take note ladies). We'e visually stimulated, so a trip to Victoria's Secret is really just icing on the Steak and BJ cake, so to speak. You don't think they built that store for you ladies, do you?
Women, on the other hand, need an entirely different organ stimulated. One that cannot be massaged, vibrated, or probed. Their inner satisfaction does not come from a belly full of cholesterol packed sirloin. It comes from being cherished, made to feel loved, and being convinced that they are the center of your world despite all evidence to the contrary. Damn them for slamming this “holiday" between the Super Bowl and March Madness.
Do you see the difference? The one wants a simple act of a good meal and a sexual favor with an obvious conclusion. The other is a moving target wherein you are never really sure if you hit the bulls-eye or not.
Are flowers and candy enough? Should you blow the money you've been squirreling away for that classic Camaro convertible on a tennis bracelet? A classic car v. a bit of shiny? It makes no logical sense! Should you take out a second mortgage and fly her to Bermuda? HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?!!! Maybe a steam cleaner to match the vacuum?
You see? It's enough to make a simple caveman crazy. We do stupid things. We admit it. Within the fraternity, we expect it from each other. Hell, we celebrate it and call it a great weekend.
Within the relationship, that same stupid thing can be a deal breaker. Or worse, fodder to be thrown back in your face for the next 50 years to remind you that you missed the “enough" mark and you better never again.
I use all this pressure to explain away my one great blunder. While still single, I found myself ignoring my Thanksgiving-break-up rule until it was way too late to get out of the Christmas present. Likewise, I was not convinced that this was the girl for me. I really wanted out. For some reason though, I let it drag on way too long and the dreadful day came. February 14th loomed and threatened to wreck my life altogether.
I could tell she wanted something special. Oh God. She doesn't want The One Ring To Rule Him All, does she? I am so screwed.
Then it hit me. I'm a tough guy. I don' need to give in to the pressure. I still have wild oats that need sewing. I'll break up with her now. Heck, ON VALENTINES DAY. Better yet, in my Valentine's Day card! I will look the Greek god of Love in the face and kick his little cherubic face right in the teeth!
Ahh, but the fates would not allow such hubris. They would intervene, oh yes they would. I handed her the card on her doorstep and asked her to read it later when I had left. I gave her a kiss (goodbye) and strolled to my classic restored Datsun 280z 2+2 like a man just released on parole. I was free! A man with the world in his pocket.
And my car wouldn't start.
I sat there in the parking lot of her condo cursing Cupid and his stupid little face. I cursed the Japanese people for selling me a car that required a battery. I cursed the rest of the condo owners for not spontaneously running out and offering me a jump start on my new life. Most of all I cursed myself for thinking I could get away with this insanity. Stupid caveman brain.
Finally, I swallowed every bit of pride ever felt by man and knocked on her door to ask for a jump. She opened the door in tears. I was screwed. She had read the card.
Of course it's too late to make a long story short, but she did give me the jump start and I did get out of there. But not before taking the tongue wagging I so richly deserved the whole time I was hooking up the jumper cables and praying for just enough mercy for the engine to turn over.
By all things right and holy, this should be the end of the story. I should have just gotten blotto drunk and laughed the whole thing off with my buddies as one more in a long line of dumb things that we do, but no.
The girl had staying power. And the patience to wait for the sweet sweet revenge that could only be doled out over years and years of Valentine's Days.
We've been married twenty years this spring.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.5
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,956  21
02/14/2011 12:51 PM
Flowers, romantic dinner, and a card that lets her know all the wonderful things she brings to the relationship and how without her you're nothing. Blah blah blah greater person with her sappy sappy sappy your relationship defines you as a person mushy mushy mushy love her not only for her but for who she makes you...get an overnight sitter and a hotel room.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.2
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/14/2011 12:52 PM
And how are you only going to be married 20 years when your daughter's ID says she's 21.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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SIV9939 13,642 16
02/14/2011 12:58 PM
So you forgot to get her a gift this year, and to make up for it you're hoping she'll accept you proclaiming your love to her on an humor site as a substitute.
Good luck with that.
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Funny
11 votes
3.1
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Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
02/14/2011 01:01 PM
So I should go with the steam cleaner then?
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/14/2011 01:03 PM
Just don't get her an appointment with a local divorce attorney, I hate it when someone gives the same gift I do.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
02/14/2011 01:07 PM
I wasn't counting on spending that much, Big.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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♥ Dianasaur ♥ 57,835 109
02/14/2011 01:11 PM
Wow, Chickens really IS a bastard.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Pubah 56,851 18
02/14/2011 01:12 PM
First...
Happy Valentines Day he and SheGabbers (and for those who are a little of both, buy yourself some flowers, get drunk and Frost yourself till you're satisfied).
May the little shaped arrows sticking out of our butts make us feel loved and appreciated.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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handsomerandall 1,188 8
02/14/2011 01:43 PM
Buying a woman a gift is like being a daredevil stuntman. No matter how good the gift is...Next time we're expected to top the past accomplishment.
Makes one miss the good old days when a woman could be content in swallowing children as opposed to giving birth to children.
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Funny
7 votes
3.1
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Drewcifer aka Chuggy Cheese 46,366 58
02/14/2011 03:05 PM
I'm getting my wife a huge box of choclates.
She's diabetic.
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Funny
8 votes
3.4
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Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
02/14/2011 08:09 PM
And retarded, apparently.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
02/14/2011 08:22 PM
get drunk and Frost yourself till you're satisfied
That's the first time anyone's told me to go Frost myself and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Happy VDay, Pubah.
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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Drewcifer aka Chuggy Cheese 46,366 58
02/14/2011 08:34 PM
And retarded, apparently.
And how...
Whenever she won't let me cum in her mouth I just jizz on the window.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Drewcifer aka Chuggy Cheese 46,366 58
02/15/2011 01:19 PM
I don't sweat it. The money I paid for the extended warranty was well worth it.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Pubah 56,851 18
02/16/2011 02:01 AM
GAH
for the seven hundred, fifty-fifth time...
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.0
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Whistler 186,138 44
02/16/2011 07:38 AM
If I was dating a woman, and she was demanding and difficult to please, I'd stop dating her. Where most of you guys Frost up is that you meet a girl who isn't that difficult to please or demanding, and you go and try to impress her. She's probably already impressed that you managed to shower and shave and put on a clean shirt without help from your mom. Now you've gone and set a precedent. You're probably not going to ever feel as insecure and desperate in your relationship as you do that first holiday season, so you're never again going to be that motivated to impress. And then, try as you might to blame your girl, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
Have the confidence to show up with a $2.99 flower arrangement from a convenient store on your first Valentine's day with a girl. If she throws you out on your ass, consider it a favor. If she keeps you, give her a box of candy the next year. If you ever get a decent job, upgrade to a premium brand of candy, but NEVER go any further. Jewelry on Valentine's day is for men with small penises. And even if you have a small penis, don't admit it by giving jewelry. There's always the chance that she hasn't seen enough penises to know how tiny yours is.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
09/02/2011 03:36 PM
Too bad that gif doesn't show the Emerson getting plowed over by a bus afterward.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Ditdah 123,110 14
09/02/2011 07:31 PM
The best gift I ever got for Valentine's Day was when I was in college. I was dating a guy (SHUT UP) that I had been on-again off-again with since high school. We'd been dating for 6 months at this point, and I was madly in love with him. But, I was going to school 3 hours away from him, and he's a GUY. He did a Shakespearety job keeping in touch, and I always assumed that every day I didn't hear from him was because he was out screwing some other girl.
I called him almost daily (just once a day - not like a psycho stalker), left a short "checking in to say hello" message on his answering machine, and after four or five days I'd actually get him on the phone. When we spoke it was awesome, when we saw each other it was even better. I knew all his friends, and my friends saw him enough to know he wasn't cheating on me; he was just bad at staying in touch. So things weren't bad enough for me to break up with him, but bad enough that I felt unappreciated a lot and wondered if it was worth it.
On Valentine's Day I was walking in my room after class, and the phone rang. It was 1995, and we didn't have caller ID in the dorms. I was busy thinking about other stuff and it didn't even dawn on me what day it was. I grabbed the phone and said "hello?" as I was tossing my books on the bed.
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.5
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Ditdah 123,110 14
09/02/2011 07:31 PM
"Happy Valentine's Day, Ditdah!" It was my boyfriend. He not only called me with no prompting, but he did it on a holiday I didn't think he'd even remember. My heart skipped a beat, and I got that butterfly-mushy feeling you get when you're dealing with new love.
"I wanted to call you and tell you how much I love you. I know I don't do a very good job keeping in touch, but it's not because I don't care. I just get busy and don't know when a good time to call is, but I found out from your roommate that you usually get home about now and I could probably catch you. I'm sorry for not being a better boyfriend, but please know that I really do love you, I think of you often, and I miss you terribly."
That was it - no gift, no card, nothing that cost any money. He simply took the time to do something to let me know he cared and that I mattered, and to this day it still is the best Valentine's gift I've ever received.
Of course, he broke up with me a year later because he needed to spend some time apart to see if we really matched. (Translation: He wanted to smoke weed constantly, to the point that he got fired from his job because he forgot to go, and I told him he needed to chill out. Not give it up, but cut it down to the point he could be a functioning member of society. He didn't like that idea, so he dumped me.) But I think I got the last laugh, since he was the last long-term boyfriend I had, and I told every one of our mutual friends that he's the reason I switched teams.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
09/02/2011 11:21 PM
So, that means you might be up to switching back to the other side?
Or better yet play both sides? Your girlfriend and I could have a contest.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
09/07/2011 02:07 PM
I offered to try and turn her girlfriend too in a three way and she does keep asking Dit about me. So there's that.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
09/08/2011 01:53 AM
I don't want to turn lesbians, I just want to veer them off the track for a bit.
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