WhyMi? 3,549 12
02/18/2011 09:11 PM

My response in my HEAD was "How the Frost should I know?! YOUR the sheriff's department, isn't there a way to track her down? It's not THAT big a town!" But, instead I say, "Well, she works at such and such".
They, of course, ask me for the number. I'm on my front porch, in the dark, with two deputies, I'm in my pjs, not like I have my phone, or a phone book in my back pocket. SO... I ask them to step in.

I turn around, and what do I find?






I'd locked myself out of my house.....with my young children inside, asleep.






NOW I have to amused deputies, who may or may not be able to serve the papers they came HERE to give someone who's NOT here, three wound up kids, two hysterical dogs, 4 concerned neighbors and a door that needs rehung after having a government issue battering ram used on it.

SO....how's YOUR Friday night shaping up?

SIV9939 13,642 16
02/18/2011 09:36 PM

I haven't been feeling good all day. My wife knew this, and yet she let my step daughter have an annoying friend sleep over. Then the wife went to get dinner from KFC, which I'd be cool with, if it wasn't for the fact the last time we got food from there we found a roach crawling on her plate.

And I just ran over my big toe with this crappy office chair that I'm pretty sure is from the 60s.

Cinderblock 27,578 25
02/18/2011 10:14 PM

If you're trying to start a "my life sucks" contest, Bill will wipe the floor with you.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/18/2011 10:23 PM

I don't know whether to be flattered or depressed.

The Mailman 176,467 56
02/18/2011 10:33 PM

SO....how's YOUR Friday night shaping up?

My Friday night really sucks balls so far. Seriously: I've been so busy at work and at home these fast few days, that I haven't been able to post on ZUG enough to maintain my monthly rank on ZUG. Tonight, I see that I am no longer in the top 5.

But yeah, I guess getting a divorce and locking yourself out of your house is somewhat stressful too.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/18/2011 10:38 PM

What about me Mailman, I have been able to post but am just not that funny. Plus I don't have that whole French accent thing going for me either.

KChikita Rex 128,451 98
02/18/2011 10:41 PM

I'm watching a show about signs of the apocalypse and trying not to freak out about it.

♥ Dianasaur ♥ 57,835 109
02/18/2011 10:48 PM

We should probably hole up in a bunker together somewhere Kchiki! For safety.

SIV9939 13,642 16
02/18/2011 11:55 PM

We should probably hole up in a bunker together somewhere Kchiki! For safety.

Because a hole in the ground is really going to protect you from killer asteroids/ the Wrath of God/ the Earth's temperature rising.

Whistler 186,138 44
02/19/2011 12:21 AM

Of all the people in this thread, I have the most empathy for the Mailman. I'm sorry, my fine French friend. Take comfort in the fact that you're three times as funny as anyone else, and as soon as you can find 20 minutes a day to post, you'll be back on the charts.



PN I feel a little bad for because the incompetent deputies in his podunk town don't even know how to pick a lock. As far as the wife goes, well, he chose her in the first place.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/19/2011 02:05 AM

Whistler, you are a dumb ass. Period!

♥ Dianasaur ♥ 57,835 109
02/19/2011 03:52 AM

Yep. THAT'S what I was worried about, siv.

Whistler 186,138 44
02/19/2011 04:12 AM

I may be a dumb ass, but I'm a dumb ass who's not paying alimony, child support or matrimonial lawyers!

Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
02/19/2011 06:07 AM

I was pulling out of Home Depot and sitting at the stoplight to get out on to the boulevard from the side street. I look over to my right and see a blazer come barreling out of the bank parking lot backwards onto the street and broadside me.

The other driver had no insurance, no license, and no English. Great, there goes my accident free discount on my insurance and $200 deductible for uninsured motorist coverage. The driver started to drive off, but I blocked her in and forced her to the side of the road until the cops could show up.

Remember my story about saving the dog of my neighbor the cop from the marauding pitbulls? That's the cop who showed up. Not that there was anything he could do for me, cause I had already stopped her from fleeing the scene, but it was nice to see a friendly face to write up the report.

At least I don't have to put up with an insurance adjuster who hears my hit-and-run story and goes, "Sure, Mr. Chickens. We believe you were hit by someone else. (sarcasm implied)"

I would feel bad for the hitter but she did have an expired state drivers license which means she COULD have had a valid license and she COULD have had valid insurance but she choose to not do so.

Nobody was hurt so I guess it's all okay.

At least I didn't get locked out of my house in my PJs. That would take a complete idoi.... I mean, I'm sorry man.

This Charming Bikini 62,262 18
02/19/2011 06:35 AM

I had an amazing Friday night out with the girls.

What was not amazing was having to roll out of bed for work this morning. I'm not that hung-over (thank you Christian Union for your free bottles of water, but I'm still not persuaded to go to Alpha Course), but I did forget to use make-up remover before I passed out last night and I did not realise this until I got into work and saw some sort of glittered zombie staring back at me.

And since I decided sleep was more important than shower, I still reek of rum - completely inexplicably because we were all drinking vodka.

Whistler 186,138 44
02/19/2011 06:44 AM

Chickens, you've got about the worst luck with motor vehicles I've ever heard of. Maybe you should consider getting a horse.

WhyMi? 3,549 12
02/19/2011 07:02 AM

I may be a dumb ass, but I'm a dumb ass who's not paying alimony, child support or matrimonial lawyers!

I'm taking the kids, this is a "no fault" state, so no alimony for me....as for the dumb ass and lawyers...well.....

Up with the Chickens 286,647 61
02/19/2011 07:19 AM

WhyMi, don't take it personally. That was probably your funniest post to date.

But Gab is going to rip you a new one anyway. Eating our own is genetically hardwired. Hell, one of us made a flying dancing fetus video when another made the horrible decision to post pictures of his stillborn child in the internet. As sick as that was, it was probably one of the funniest things ever.

Midgets 96,151 48
02/19/2011 09:39 AM

I'm still waiting to hear from the insurance company whether or not they're going to total out my van. The van is 14 years old which is a strike against it, but it also is a fullsize conversion that WAS in excellent shape with very low miles which is a plus.
Right now the estimate is nearly $5000, but that's a preliminary and could go up quite a bit mainly because the custom fiberglass running board was destroyed and they are apparently very expensive if one can even be found.

It's been a real mess, but I'm dealing with it because I get to sleep next to my wife and near my keys.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/19/2011 10:42 AM

Whistler, you are a dumb ass. Period!


Sorry about that, I was being a stage 2 post whore.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/19/2011 11:45 AM

Yep. THAT'S what I was worried about, siv.

I can't tell if that was sarcastic or condescending.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/19/2011 11:49 AM

I went to see the NY Rangers v. NJ Devils hockey game...free tickets. Then I went out with some of my friends. They gf stayed home so I was unchaperoned.

All in all, a great Friday night. Thanks for asking.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/19/2011 11:57 AM

Oh, and the sheriff's officers were serving the papers at your house because that is your future ex-wife's last known address. The officers used to serve the papers might not have been given the whole file, they might have just been given the papers and told who gets them and where their last known address.

They were suspicious because, believe it or not, sometimes people will lie about the whereabouts of someone if the police are looking for them. As you said, you stepped out without anything with you, in your pjs. So you weren't able to show them any identification. Are they just supposed to take your word? Could it be possible that they thought you were a boyfriend trying to prevent your future ex from being served?

Finally, if this situation happens again...your wife always left a spare key under the third rock to the left of the door. Well, that's where she kept my spare key.

The Mailman 176,467 56
02/19/2011 01:57 PM

I went to see the NY Rangers v. NJ Devils hockey game (...) All in all, a great Friday night.

Be careful, BIG. I hear the last time a group of people claimed to enjoy their Friday nights in New Jersey, MTV created a new reality show about them.

Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
02/19/2011 02:03 PM

MTV only makes shows in NJ about people from out-of-state. Which is why NJ is contemplating an Act of War against both Staten Island and Long Island.

Dropkick Brody 43,090 12
02/19/2011 02:55 PM

I'm on a horridly busy rotation at university at the minute, so Friday night was spent napping, making cookies, and watching TV avec McPants. WILD!

WhyMi? 3,549 12
02/19/2011 03:07 PM

No offense taken, but thanks Chix.
Besides....I'm not as "noob" as I apper...just the NAME is.

I seem to recall my all time funniest post was something someone was going to make into a Cafe Press tshirt.

Sexual Harassment Pterodactyl 181,795 70
02/20/2011 01:24 PM

My girlfriend and I went to eat out and had a shot of tequila and a very jumbo margarita. Then we went to a bar and drank beers. Then we went to another bar and drank more beers. We danced a little to a band called The Sex Panthers. They did not smell like a turd covered in burnt hair, they sounded great. Some guy told my friend to go find him on Facebook and his pick up line was "Look how tall my sister is!" which we found hysterical and ridiculously stupid and told him so. I lost an earring.

My son had to be at a band UIL thing, at 7:30 a.m. on Saturday, dressed nicely, so after all of the beers I found myself in Wal-Mart at 3 a.m. buying him black pants.

I went home and posted stupid stuff on Facebook and fell asleep for a couple of hours. I spent all of yesterday in bed with a mild hangover and a Frost-ing MASSIVE migraine. I felt so Shakespearety that I couldn't get up to go buy my cat any food, so we fed him baby food. (In my defense, the baby food we had on hand was originally purchased for him after a surgery, so it's a legitimate thing to feed your cat. Frost you stop judging me.)

I remember at one point thinking to myself "If my body hates me this hard for one night, how much does BIGs liver hate him?. Holy Shakespeare."

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/20/2011 02:19 PM

It's a liver not a fighter.

Midgets 96,151 48
02/20/2011 02:35 PM

All I read was "girlfriend, eat out and tequila".

Everything else was just filler.

Whistler 186,138 44
02/20/2011 07:39 PM

NJ is contemplating an Act of War against both Staten Island and Long Island.


Yes, because there are no New Jersey natives who are guidos, wannabe Sopranos, scary-accented shrill whiny whores or spoiled overtanned incipient alcoholics. None whatsoever. They're all imported from Brooklyn, and the Islands of Staten and Long.

Keep telling yourself that.

Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
02/21/2011 02:53 PM

Why me indeed.

There are two owners of the company I work for. One is the quiet type; he never gets upset and is real easy to talk to about work. The other is a micro managing control freak who flies off the handle at the drop of a hat. Usually the quiet one keeps the nut case in line. Guess which one is on vacation this week?

Fratberry 283,052 53
02/21/2011 04:47 PM

BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!111111

Fratberry 283,052 53
02/21/2011 04:49 PM

I didn't bother reading anything but the first post. I didn't think anyone could top the hilarity of it. Top drawer! Maybe if you're lucky you'll get to use your children as pawns in your game of life.

WhyMi? 3,549 12
02/21/2011 05:29 PM

Pawns? never....perhaps Rooks or Knights maybe.

Fratberry 283,052 53
02/21/2011 05:37 PM

Heh.