Can You Cook Bacon on a Ford Pinto? Part 2 A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 04/01/2011 01:04 AM 3663 views
The Experiment
With my daughters taking pictures and providing fire suppression support, I slung lamp oil all over everything inside the Pinto. I love lamp oil, due to its slow ignition and burn rate, which make it ideal for starting campfires and making flaming arrows. I gritted my teeth, struck the match, and let the flames begin.
When the test bacon on the roof began to sizzle, I knew I had to act fast. I quickly cracked an egg, then realized this was the first egg I had ever cooked (I only eat Cadbury Creme Eggs). It's probably the first egg ever cooked on the roof of a burning Pinto, too.
"It's hot enough to fry an egg on this thing!"
I realized I had better get busy slinging bacon, if I was going to get it all cooked before the windows melted.
I may have a future as a short order cook
I'll bet K.I.T.T. never did this for Michael
Bacon to the left of me, bacon to the right; it was like a merciful angel coming for a conjugal visit in Hell's kitchen. Only greasier.
Bacon, bacon everywhere, but look at all that grease
I wish I had thought to make biscuits, too
The undeniable aroma of frying pig, mixed with the acrid stink of smoldering Pinto, combined to create a smell that only the Germans have words to describe.
"Gemutlichschlecht"
As I continued piling on more and more bacon, the sound of the sizzle grew to an almost constant hiss, like steam escaping from an overheated nuclear reactor. What? Too soon?
Is this how they normally smoke bacon?
I had just gotten all the bacon on the roof and everything was going marvelously, until the rear passenger side window melted.
That's when all hell broke loose. Apparently seven and half pounds of bacon contains roughly five pounds of bacon grease, and when that window gave way, the resulting flames ignited the river of grease flowing down the side of the car.
Soon the entire roof was ablaze in a monster bacon grease fire, and quickly my role in the experiment went from chef to search and rescue.
When fire killed his family, one strip of bacon survived and vowed to avenge their untimely deaths
I saved all that I could. Bacoal bits littered the rooftop, reminding me of Luke finding his aunt and uncle still smoking outside of the small farmhouse on the desert planet of Tatooine. Now I too shared his pain.
Cue the violins
I quickly recovered from my grief, and started cooking up the eggs. As I placed them, the windows began exploding one by one, slowly restricting my access to suitable cooking surfaces.
Egg Drop Soup
I tried using the remains of the windshield, the back glass, basically anyplace where I wouldn't catch my hair on fire, so out of a dozen eggs I only managed to get six on the plate.
The front window explodes
After I was done cooking, the fire raged on for about an hour, then smoldered for three more after that.
Bitchin' flame job
Did I say you could smoke in my car?
Results
Sadly, the bacon that I was able to rescue was covered in little blue paint flecks. Nervously, I took a bite, which tasted like bacon-flavored tire peels.
My research has uncovered the world's only way to ruin bacon!
Tastes like burning. Literally.
Neither I nor any of the girls wanted to try the eggs, but the dog thought they were just as delicious as the bacon.
Have some dignity, Whippit.
I think this ruins my chances of ever getting my own cooking show
Conclusion
Can a Ford Pinto cook bacon? Yes it can, and with the lessons learned from this experiment I know I could even make it edible next time. For those looking to fry bacon on your own Pintos, there isn't much time to get it cooked, so a smaller amount is more practical, and less likely to burst into flames. If possible, let the paint burn off before you drop on the bacon. And you may want to wear safety goggles, as the glass will probably explode.
Perhaps the most important takeaway is that it is possible to keep a burning Pinto from blowing up, which I'm sure is vindication for Ford after all these years. All you need is the proper planning, preparation, and amount of crazy to get the job done.
"For sale: 1975 Ford Pinto. Slight fire damage. Smells like breakfast."
You know, one of my wife's friend's uncle (no, this isn't a rumor, why?) has the proper licensing to have a firework show on his farm for the Fourth of July every year. He also has a large, movie style flame ball he shoots off (that sounded much dirtier than I expected). If you're still interested in blowing up a car and don't mind driving a state and a half I could try to find out if he'd be willing to help.
As soon as I read the title of this I knew it had to be Brad's doing. Well played good sir.
But it's such a sad outcome for such delicious bacon. I think I might have tried eating more of whatever the car managed to cook. I eat weird Shakespeare all the time.
Entire loafs of bread, beef jerky and hot sauce a' la Maddox, and as I am writing this, I am in the process of eating a kilogram of gummi bears.
My friends and family constantly wonder how I stay alivenot diabetic thin.
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