I Yelp the Headquarters of Yelp
A comedy article
by Harmon Leon  2,232  7
04/20/2011 12:24 AM 2724 views
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A review on Yelp can make or break a local business. A bad, vengeful Yelp review can drive away customers or even shut a business down. In fact, numerous businesses have joined a lawsuit against Yelp, after contacting Yelp to have negative consumer reviews removed from the site. Even though these were reviews that violated Yelp's site guidelines, Yelp declined to remove the reviews, until their salespeople followed up with the businesses, offering to hide the negative comments -- as long as they bought advertising from Yelp.
The social networking / user review / local search site -- with over 39 million monthly users -- wields mighty power, for both good and evil.
Yelp Headquarters, 706 Mission Street, San Francisco, CA
I thought it was time to turn the tables on Yelp and see how they enjoyed being under the consumer microscope. That's why I recently went down to the headquarters of Yelp, so I could Yelp about Yelp.
I wanted to see if the negative reviews would cause Yelp's marketing department to call themselves, trying to extort money to have their own reviews removed, pressuring Yelp to buy ads from Yelp. With luck, this paradox would cause a wormhole in the space-time continuum, so I could finally achieve my dream of traveling back in time to the 1800's, where I could grow a handlebar mustache without being ridiculed.
Traveling to Yelp Headquarters
Yelp HQ is located in SOMA, right across from Yerba Buena Gardens. The company occupies two floors of the historic building nestled on the corner of 4th Street. I pulled out my smartphone and started Yelping.
Yelp Review: Location
This is my first review of Yelp's headquarters. First of all, I have to ask: why is their HQ located in a building whose ground level is a Big & Tall men's store? Do the small-and-slender people who work at Yelp find this funny, or a cruel joke? Do these petite social media IT workers take sadistic pleasure at looking down at the girthy-and-giant clothing shoppers who frequent Rochester's Big & Tall men's shop in search of suitable clothing that won't make them look like they are on display as a circus attraction?!
Maybe the employees at Yelp headquarters should put themselves in the size 16 shoes of those whom they look down on, from their high-and-lofty perches?
Yelp Review: Atmosphere
What's up with the "garden" outside of Yelp headquarters at 706 Mission Street? It's basically a large rock, some much, much smaller rocks, and a green plant or two. I've seen better rock gardens concocted by two-year-olds with Down's Syndrome. Is this all there is for Yelp employees to look at, while on break from keeping the social networking / user review / local search site -- with over 39 million monthly users -- up and running? Is this some kind of stupid joke?
Yelp! Your company must make millions of dollars; I'm sure you could easily afford a bouncy castle for your employees. Off to the Gulags when you work for Yelp -- their employees only have a rock to enjoy between breaks.
Yelp Review: Service
The Yelp headquarters lobby sucks big donkey wangs. Seriously. I've seen the lobbies of a lot of Internet companies -- from Twitter to Digg to Reddit -- and this has got to be one of the worst. Come on! Really! You call this a corporate lobby, Yelp!?
Yelp's building lobby is barely big enough to hold a security desk. Plus, it's spanking easy to follow a Yelp employee through the door during lunchtime when the security guard isn't present. I mean, I could have been an employee from Friendster here to steal social media secrets -- yet no one stopped me from entering the Yelp headquarters building. The only "security" was three Yelp employees who asked me, "Do you work here?" when I tried to get on the elevator. Maybe I WOULD work there, Yelp, if you managed to get a much nicer lobby instead of this waiting-room-of-purgatory.
Yelp Review: Employees
This is my review of the employees who work at the Yelp headquarters in San Francisco. I've seen more stylish people at "Stripey Shirt Night" at Digby's Sports Bar in Vacaville, CA. ALL Yelp employees seem to do on their lunch hour is go into their fenced-in courtyard and either:
1) Smoke;
2) Eat lunch;
3) Talk to one another;
Or
4) Stare at their rock.
I've seen WAAAAY more friendly corporate office employees at places like YouTube and Google. (I'm talking to you, woman- by-elevator-who-asked-if-I-worked-here.)
Like I said in a previous review of Yelp headquarters: maybe a bouncy castle in your courtyard would loosen you guys up a little bit.
Yelp Review: Security
I seldom write reviews about the security guards at a company's headquarters -- but I feel I have to speak out about the security at Yelp headquarters. First of all: where does he get off NOT wearing a shirt or jacket that says SECURITY GUARD!? ("Oh, look at me! I'm the cool security guy for the awesome social networking / user review / local search site, with over 39 million monthly users. I can dress how I please!") Come on! Give me a break!
Yelp's security guard should at least wear a hat that says SECURITY. Furthermore, I didn't appreciate his ATTITUDE when I was snooping around taking photos of their building, lobby, and employees. "I'm going to take a picture of you taking a picture of me," was his "ironic" response to my photography session of Yelp headquarters. I'm pretty sure he's going to use the photo of me for personal use.
Twitter, Reddit, YouTube, and LinkedIn have much, MUCH better security guards, by far. ONE STAR!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
12 votes
4.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054196911
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.1
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054196914
Thud 68,525  19
04/20/2011 12:41 AM
so I could finally achieve my dream of traveling back in time to the 1800's, where I could grow a handlebar mustache without being ridiculed.
Damn straight. Wait...
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054196939
Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
04/20/2011 10:08 AM
Fife Hero. I guess Whistler will be getting a PlayStation3 now.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054196999
I am The Lobster. 18,572 33
04/20/2011 02:43 PM
The Frost?
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197000
Jeeni jelly beani 47,815 51
04/20/2011 03:00 PM
Review the reviewer - great idea! Nice article, Harmon.
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Funny
7 votes
3.6
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197002
Jeeni jelly beani 47,815 51
04/20/2011 03:13 PM
I just realized I reviewed the reviewer of a review company and if anyone gives me clickies for my above post (highly unlikely) they're reviewing the reviewer of a reviewer of a review company.
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0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197741
iBong 432 6 Jonh Lee Puffs loves Harmon Leon
04/27/2011 06:19 AM
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197742
iBong 432 6
04/27/2011 06:35 AM
Hmmmm I could have sworn a john lee puffs posted
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197743
Jeeni jelly beani 47,815 51
04/27/2011 07:18 AM
Maybe you've had one too many puffs on that iBong?
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197744
iBong 432 6
04/27/2011 07:33 AM
Derrrrrrrrrr
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