Jesus and friends A comedy conversation
by Dave's not here 52,827 16 04/23/2011 05:49 PM 265 views
It'd unlikely he ever existed at all, and even if there was some actual historical figure that the myths were based around, he did nothing original. The whole story is very generic. Osiris, Dionysus, Mithra, Apollonius of Tyana and more than a dozen others have basically the same outline. Born of a virgin on the winter solstice, teaching the elders when 12, turning water to wine, raising Lazarus from the dead, 12 apostles, false accusation, betrayal, execution (some like Mithra even crucified), opening the way to paradise and then being resurrected 3 days later.
Your savior is at best a work of total fiction, and at worst a blatant rip off.
If you're looking for the joke here, it's on you. Sure, maybe it isn't funny to everyone, but it amuses the hell out of me. Especially on Sunday when I sleep late.
Everybody pokes fun at Scientology, but most people fail to realize that an evil alien overlord who flies his overpopulated peons to earth in intergalatic DC-8s only to murder them by detonating a bomb inside a volcano is only slightly crazier than any other mainstream religion out there.
It's entirely possible that the Jesus mythology is cobbled together from other myths. It's entirely possible that he is very real and the son of god and there is an afterlife, hell, blah blah.
It doesn't matter to me which one of those is true. The God of the Bible is a dick, and I'm not going to worship a dick.
If he was ever born at all, and I'll admit, maybe he was, but:
1. The Romans were excellent record keepers. They documented the Shakespeare out of everything. Yet, there is no reference to any major Rabi gathering followers in Israel at the time Jebus was supposed to have lived. There are hundreds of references to Apollonius of Tyana and even a bust of him and some of his personal belongings, and he was a minor neopythagorean itinerant teacher. he was also known as the Nazarene (a term that referred to the zodiac and the number 12) had twelve apostles, etc.
2. The Romans also put a lot of effort into cartography (that's map-making for you dumb mother-Frosters) yet there is no reference anywhere to suggest a place called Nazareth existed at all. The current Nazareth dates to 800 CE, and while it is built on the ruins of an older city it doesn't match the biblical description of Nazareth at all. It was supposedly on a hill, but the modern Nazareth is as flat as my first wife (even pregnant her tits were practically concave).
3. Again, Romans were great record keepers, but there's no record of a Pontius Pilot executing a Jeshua ben Miriam or any other name that might be construed as Jebus. And the Barabas thing, the whole idea that the romans would just pardon someone as part of a tradition, or let free a convicted murderer = bullShakespeare
The pure fact of it is, the evidence for a historical Jesus is about as compelling as the evidence for Santa Clause, and as deities go, I'd take Santa over Jesus any day.
First off, it is "Pilate," not "Pilot." Pilot is for aeroplanes and Japanese pens.
Believe what you will, say what you will.
I am perfectly content to believe that Jesus of Nazareth was a real person. Am I perfect? No, but I am somewhat more compassionate (in real life) because of my belief and desire to follow Jesus's example. Somewhat. People who cast (now incorrect) aspersions on my life deserve rotten pertaters in return.
The God of the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible, is a stern and unforgiving sort. No argument from me on that. However, Leviticus is wildly misappropriated by some of the dimmer sorts, the ones who eat shrimp and wear red while inveighing against peaceable homos. (ALL of which are taboo in Leviticus.)
For those of you who are closeted Christians... He is Risen indeed!
I am sorry that Christianity, and perhaps organized religion, is considered unfashionable or undesirable among a self-selected elite. However, I know more than a few well-educated (PhD's, M.D.'s, J.D.s and the like) honest, modern people who are observant.
For the rest of you: enjoy your day.
"Christ has risen, but our prices remain the same."
You got me on Pilot, that was just lazy and unobservant of me, but a spelling error does nothing to detract from my point.
Your faith is your own. What you choose to believe is your caveat.
I'm also right with you on Leviticus. The homophobes always go back to 18:22, but I don't see any of them making their wives leave town while menstruating or making sure the calves they offer as sacrifice have fully intact testicles.
I take no issue with what people choose to believe as a matter of faith, however I have a problem with people making choices out of ignorance. Western history has a pro-roman and therefor pro-christian bias. Most people who identify themselves as Christians know anything whatsoever about the history of their own religion.
And finally, this is a comedy board, not a forum for political or philosophical discussion. I'm mostly just stirring up Shakespeare to see what comes of it, for my own amusement.
The God of the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible, is a stern and unforgiving sort.
You may not have been referencing my comment, but I figured I'd clarify just in case. I personally believe the God portrayed in all of the Bible is a dick. Honestly the way he's portrayed in the new testament is worse because he wraps it up in warm fuzzies. At least in the Old Testament he was up front with his dickishness.
This really is a personal belief, and I have no desire to make any judgment on someone else who believes something entirely different about the same god. Certainly not someone who uses that belief for good and not evil.
Christians know anything whatsoever about the history of their own religion
I'm not a Christian, but I've always had a great respect for them. The majority are peaceful, honest people who just want to get to into Heaven. That said, I've always had issues with hateful Atheists who go around calling these people stupid and ignorant and being Emersons.
So when I read Dave's post on my smartphone while waiting on dinner, I was like - "This guy is full of Shakespeare!"
Then I get home and Google a few of the names he mentioned. And I was amazed at what I read. I always knew that the stories from the Old Testament were a mixture of hand-me-down camp fire stories. But I never thought the story of Jesus was as such. I always thought he was real. I mean, I never bought all the hocus pocus bullShakespeare, but I thought he was at least a real person.
Therefore, It is clear that people should worship my penis.
Jesus very well may have been a real person, but the evidence is sketchy at best. Even if he was real, there's a big difference between having lived and having been the son of an omnipotent ethereal being.
I also hate the arrogant atheists who dismiss the beliefs of others out of hand. I don't think being a Christian makes a person stupid, it just makes them wrong.
It's being human that makes them stupid. Most of them anyway..
Christianity, and perhaps organized religion, is considered unfashionable or undesirable among a self-selected elite.
Organized religion is about the same thing as organized crime in my eyes. If believing that makes me part of a self-selected elite, then I am looking down my nose at you right now.
Really, there seem to be two kinds of Christians. There's the kind that aren't hung up on the minutia of the bible, but like the general message of peace and kindness toward others that you get from the Gospel. Then there's the batShakespeare crazy kind.
Well, since ZUG seems to have turned into a place to debate Christianity for Easter weekend, I'm off to share dead baby jokes with the Westboro Baptist Church. See you all next week!
Other people who are alright with me include: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, Darth Vader, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Incredible Hulk, alien abductees, the people at NASA who engineered the fake moon landing, the men on the grassy knoll, the Illuminati, and the alien overlords who run Area 51.
I could go over all of my philisohpical reasons for thinking that most of religion is a crock of Shakespeare.
But in the interest of the site, I'll just say that if God did exist, he would have had me sprayed to death with a septic truck out of principle long ago.
I take no issue with what people choose to believe as a matter of faith
And yet you made it a point to start an unfunny thread on a comedy site proclaiming that Jesus probably never even existed, running the whole idea of Christianity into the ground in the process.
"HEY EVERYBODY IT'S EASTER SUNDAY AND I JUST WANTED EVERYBODY TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYBODY KNOWS I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD OR JESUS OR ANY OF THAT CRAP LOLZERS!!!111"
No hate intended. If you are in full possession of the facts and still choose to believe in the hocus-pocus magic Jesus concept, it's your business. Plenty of intelligent people choose to go that way.
I merely wish to convey a few interesting facts which, according to statistics gathered by surveys using sufficiently broad and randomized sample groups, few Christians are even aware of. I think people should have all the info before making up their minds on these types of topics.
See, it's not that I think Christians are stupid. It's just that I think they believe some very stupid things. I mean really asinine and ridiculous when looked at objectively. I mean, well, Frost. Y/ou might as well believe that during the middle ages the world was populated by dwarfs, elves and dragons. It's just that Frost-ing silly.
Frat, you always make me laugh, but I think one of the cats might have burrowed up your ass. Yes I'm making fun about Easter on Easter, because it would make no sense to bitch about easter at Christmas time. I am Frost-ing around and I happen to find it interesting and funny to see how people react when you take a jab at mainstream beliefs. I honesty don't judge people by what they choose to believe, but I don't buy into the PC bullShakespeare that I have to respect those beliefs. I respect the individual and I don't think less of them just because I happen to think their dogmas are silly.
Besides, there's something to be said for the concept of an easter egg.
Remember that whole water to wine thing? Yeah, I could do that!
Well, we were at Judas Wild Wings one night and after a couple pitchers that Coleridge said "You should try that on yourself Jay-C".
What we didn't know back in the day is that we are a good part water. Yeah, I was Frostin' BOMBED!
All I know for sure is that I came out of my blackout 3 days later just SURROUNDED by fat chicks and Taco Bell wrappers!
Judas claims he has a cell video of me singing karaoke with Satan and walking on water but everytime I ask to see it he says his battery's low and he's waiting for a call. I just think the Frosters pissed 'cause his sister was one of the fatties.
I believe in the all mighty creator of the universe of which I call home.....Sir John Hargrave. All rise, please be seated. Pllbbbbbbbb (only the almighty can pull a whoopee cushion prank like that)
Also, happy Easter to the fellow Christians, happy Sunday to the non believers , and ha-ha to the members of the Jewish faith for not being able to get the job done.
I guess the whole 'cosmic accident' thing makes more sense...scientificly.
One day, out of nowhere, a very dense particle of matter exploded...sending dust compounds and stuff scattering throughout the formally empty cosmos. One of those dot's of matter coleased into out solar system. One of the planets of that solar system was just far enough from the sun to not freeze or have it's water cooked off. Somehow a single celled thing decided to start eating, moving and reproducing and eventually evolved into us having an internet chat about the certantiy that this is the only way we got here.
I choose the Jesus 'hocus pocus' over the cosmic accident 'science'.
I have a little silver cross with Thor on it. It's a replica of an original that comes from a time when the vikings were hedging their bets, just in case this new-fangled christianity thing didn't pan out.
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