Guy new to ZUG says HELLLOOOO
A comedy article
by AlabasterJenkins  355  8
04/23/2011 09:05 PM 299 views
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Hello, I'd like to thank you all as I welcome myself to ZUG, in my first ever thread. I'll do my best to refrain from "inane drivel" and as many dead baby jokes as I can. I discovered ZUG one day while on a humor-enhancement and self-lightment (that's right "lightment", as in, not taking life so seriously <-- insert joint between lips here) quest but haven't done much since then except for receive my weekly "ZUGtistics". These emails serve as a constant reminder that ZUG still exists and I'm still not funny. If there was anything to find solace in it would be this... 'nuff said. Dreadfully boring banter speckled with bits of genius (i.e. deer eating popcorn gif, some big Irish priest guy finger banging the religion out of little boys, or something like that, Lobster's "shtick", Frostaroo). Point being, I realized I don't have to be hilarious to be a part of ZUG, I just have to show up. If I am hilarious I might get invited to things but at this point I'm content with solace.
The other day I was trying to remember what a baby in a blender sounded like when I realized I've been too busy masturbating every time I've... Damn it! I promised I wouldn't do that. Ummm... I don't like the way my dog looks at me while he's taking a Shakespeare. It's a fairly smug, near-sneer caked in self-satisfaction. I know what he's thinking every time; "I can't wait to watch you pick this up while I watch from the shade".
Well, thank you all for all the laughs you have provided me with thus far and thank you for those you will provide in the future and thank you for loving me, or hating me, or even being plain indifferent to me. I look forward to adding to the rich conversations that seem to take place here. I'd offer to email pictures of my boobs for responses, as that seems to be the social status quo around here, but I'm afraid an email containing pictures with boobs from a person named Alabaster might go unopened. Some people call me John but it's usually just the working girls.
Signed,
Introverted internet wierdo
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.1
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.0
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Phla 3.0 131,068  34
04/23/2011 09:20 PM
Welcome, here's your trophy, don't pee on the walls.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Declan as Dexter Fisher 131,891 36
04/23/2011 09:26 PM
Welcome Frost off! Welcome, bienvenue, wilkommen!
Frost off.
Abandon hope of ever having something resembling "a normal life," ever again.
Incidentally, it is spelled "weirdo."
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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AlabasterJenkins 355 8
04/23/2011 09:28 PM
Should the o be hyphenated too?
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Declan as Dexter Fisher 131,891 36
04/23/2011 09:31 PM
I am unsure what you might do with your o.
Leave me out of such palaver, if you please!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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KChikita Rexasaurus 128,451 98
04/23/2011 09:34 PM
Not bad. But you're no Ben.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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AlabasterJenkins 355 8
04/23/2011 09:37 PM
I bet I could get you to hyphenate my o.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Dianerdasaur 57,835 109
04/23/2011 09:38 PM
Or IS he??
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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AlabasterJenkins 355 8 Not bad. But you're no Ben.
04/23/2011 09:39 PM
Ben, who exactly? I get Ben Affleck all the time, occasionally Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler from the occasional blind guy.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/23/2011 09:48 PM
I like you. You can stay.
At least for the probationary period. After that, we'll see.
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Funny
8 votes
3.3
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Hay Fever 98,023 37
04/23/2011 09:59 PM
I came into this thread, declared that I wasn't going to read your brick of text, and left again.
I am now halfway through my martini and have decided to come back and read it.
Welcome!
But you really need to clear up the whole Alabaster/John dichotomy. Either you're a stripper or you like to hire hookers, you can't be both!
Unless you are a stripper that dresses up like a man so you can lure hookers into your car and then off them to eliminate the competition. In which case, feel free to share which make and model of vehicle affords the best trunk space.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
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Declan as Dexter Fisher 131,891 36
04/23/2011 09:59 PM
Looks like you've been hitting the Liebfraumilch early, Nuttles.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
04/23/2011 10:08 PM
I like the new guy too. He needs more squirrel in his posts though.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
04/23/2011 10:48 PM
He needs more squirrel in his posts though.
Usually Declan uses a line like that.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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UnderEgg! 101,398 77
04/24/2011 09:48 AM
don't pee on the walls.
Uh, I just want to be clear I've never heard of this rule before. Not that it's ever been an issue with me personally, of course.
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Funny
11 votes
3.4
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Shellebelle 77,143 25
04/24/2011 10:41 AM
Welcome.
Next time you should make something like this a conversation. A lot of people don't read the articles. Just like Playboy.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Dianerdasaur 57,835 109
04/24/2011 06:35 PM
AWESOME.
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Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197423
Thud 68,525 19
04/24/2011 09:46 PM
Welcome to Live! on Zug. Flavor-Aid is available on all major holidays.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Spring Chix at Tractor Supply 286,647 61
04/25/2011 10:50 AM
How's your brother, Leroy? That guy's a card.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Spring Chix at Tractor Supply 286,647 61
04/25/2011 03:58 PM
AAAaAaaaaaaand, "Life of the party" on your first thread.
Congrats.
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054197543
AlabasterJenkins 355 8
04/25/2011 06:23 PM
My dog just pooped again.
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