Peanut Butter and KY Jelly
A comedy conversation
by Big Irish Guy  203,956  21
04/28/2011 01:09 PM 285 views
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I run into this girl I know the other night. I haven't seen her around as much and we use to be much closer. She's engaged and I have a girlfriend, so the natural drifting apart happened. So we started catching up, and we fell into our old routine, which included making some inappropriate comments of a sexual nature. This is nothing new, but I did have some questions about her upcoming marriage.
A few years ago she admitted that she didn't give blow jobs. I asked why not, and she told me it was because when she was in high school she dated an older guy that forced her down on him. She never really got over that. I gave my sympathy for her past trauma, but then commented on how it was too bad her boyfriend at the time couldn't take part in the monthly ritual of Hummer Week. She just replied that it was okay, because she didn't mind if her ass was used as a playground.
So when I asked her how her "future husband felt about marrying someone who didn't give bjs, or have you gotten over that", her reply was simply, "peanut butter." I was confused for a second, but she went on to explain how she has gotten over her fear of giving bjs by using peanut butter on his junk then licking it off.
My only response was, "of course you do". Which led to her explaining that he uses peanut butter on her when he's tossing her salad. And that both of their places are stocked with peanut butter..."Creamy Skippy".
While I have never hooked up with her, she will often take out her phone and show me pictures. She won't send them to me (BITCH). But will show them to me while we are at the bar. She was excited to tell me that her and her fiance went on a shopping spree and bought all these sex toys, including new anal beads. She proceded to show me some pictures of her, with the anal beads in.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.4
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Big Irish Guy 203,956  21
04/28/2011 01:10 PM
FAST FORWARD to the NEXT DAY
I was sitting down to lunch and was about to order a sandwich when I get the obligatory "It was good to see you" text from her. I started thinking about all the things that she told me, and then it happened...the god damned, mother-Frosting PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME song got stuck in my head.
Except now the banana has a string of anal beads swinging from its ass and its PEANUT BUTTER KY JELLY TIME.
And you people wonder why I drink so much.
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.5
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
04/28/2011 01:27 PM
So let me get this straight... this dude enjoys licking something brown and creamy from her ass?
Maybe he should mix some corn in with it for the full-on effect.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.7
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Quoth the Ravos, 'Nevermore' 63,472 21
04/28/2011 01:44 PM
Personally, I always go for chunky. Creamy is for amateurs.
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.3
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Madness 4,366 10
04/28/2011 02:10 PM
Where's Popanator when you need her to be far, far away from this thread
If you're invited to the wedding, I think you should gift them a few boxes of peanut butter and flash a knowing grin to the groom.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Jeeni jelly beani 47,815 51
04/28/2011 02:47 PM
Well, that story may just get me over my most-recent interest in peanut butter. Bleh. Thanks BIG.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.2
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
04/28/2011 03:01 PM
Another advantage to using chunky peanut in this case is that if your hygiene is not that good, next day: PEANUT BRITTLE.
Ta da!
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Quoth the Ravos, 'Nevermore' 63,472 21
04/28/2011 03:18 PM
Use almond butter and you can make almond bark.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Quoth the Ravos, 'Nevermore' 63,472 21
04/28/2011 03:18 PM
Though I guess there would also have to be a dog(s) involved.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,626 32
04/28/2011 03:33 PM
There doesn't have to be, but it never hurts.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Filly: Willing Conspirator 39,193 20
04/28/2011 03:58 PM
I gave my sympathy for her past trauma
Who are you and what did you do with BIG?
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Side-splitting
3 votes
5.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
04/28/2011 04:03 PM
What? I told her I was sorry she got skull Frosted raw, and its too bad your current boyfriend doesn't get anything while you're ragging.
How is that not something I would say?
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0 votes
0.0
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Big Irish Guy 203,956 21
04/28/2011 04:04 PM
I was trying to keep it under the word limit. I figured you all know me well enough to fill in the commentary.
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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PRAM 80,728 42
04/28/2011 04:54 PM
Did the phone change any words? That could be awkward. Let's say you're going for "hey, sorry to hear you got skull Frosted" to "hey, sorry to hear you got put on the terrorist watch list".
iPhones suck at spelling.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.3
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Closet Friend 7,665 11
04/28/2011 05:35 PM
All of this begs the question: What about the baseball bat?
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0 votes
0.0
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PRAM 80,728 42
04/28/2011 06:32 PM
The baseball bat is for knocking out the bead hemorrhoids.
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