How to Make Charlie Sheen's Tiger Blood A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 05/04/2011 12:37 AM 3402 views
Unless you have been hiding under a seven gram rock for the past couple of months, you are aware of Charlie Sheen's recent plunge off the deep end that can only be described as an attempt to solidify his insanity plea for a crime that the police haven't yet discovered. His unbelievable interviews have not only added several new phrases to the internet lexicon, but have also exposed a secret to his lunatic power: Tiger Blood.
Charlie Sheen waves a bottle of Tiger Blood (check the homemade label).
Assuming this isn't just a code word for mixing heroin, jock itch powder and cocaine, where does this precious commodity come from? (Besides tiger veins, of course.) We know that Charlie didn't come by it naturally, as Martin Sheen is not a tiger, so we must assume this substance exists in some attainable form in the universe.
Knowing how much of himself the talented Mr. Sheen puts into his movies, I thought they might contain some traces of Tiger Blood and other biological contaminates. Could this mysterious Tiger Blood be distilled from Charlie Sheen's work? The rewards would be huge: I too could become a total bitchin' rock star Vatican warlock assassin from Mars.
The Planning
First, I selected movies with the highest concentration of Sheen.
Platoon: A movie so good that many had forgotten Charlie was even in it. Perhaps even Charlie himself.
Hot Shots: Charlie shows his versatility as a master of deadpan slapstick, despite the fact that he was upstaged by Lloyd Bridges throughout the entire movie.
Major League II: I chose the sequel because it was basically the same movie as Major League, but ten dollars cheaper.
Scary Movie 3: Once again Charlie shows that no role is beyond his capabilities, as he parodies Mel Gibson's character from Signs. Much as his actual life parodies Mel Gibson's.
With the movies chosen, I had to determine how to separate the Tiger Blood from the other less awesome stuff. To extract this precious fluid, I would need a catalyst: substances like booze, drugs and hookers.
Breakfast of Champions.
Luckily for the hookers I didn't have a very big pot, so I just doubled up on the other ingredients. I got a can of Miller High life, a bottle of the fanciest screw-top wine available, some genuine artificial cocaine, and a fully-loaded ashtray. I also found a couple of 7-gram rocks, though I was unsure about the exact banging process.
I decided to distill the activated mixture in the same way the hillbillies of yesteryear made their moonshine, only with a lower chance of explosion: a homemade still. (Fortunately, I live in Arkansas, where stills are considered yard ornaments.)
The Preparation
Having inherited my parents' home of 65 years along with my father's extensive junk pile, I quickly put together a workable still from an old frying pan, the bottom of a microphone stand, three pieces of copper tubing, and some Quick Steel putty to hold everything together.
No honey, I am not building a bomb. Relax.
I puttied the tubing to create one long pipe. This pipe would allow Tiger Blood gas to cool just enough to condense onto its walls, where they would pool and be pushed out by the rest of the Tiger vapor. Cool it too much and you get everything, cool it too little and you get nothing. Most scientists would do a bunch of math at this point, but I just used what I had on hand, and called it winning.
To hold this rig up, I used two steel fence posts, a cinderblock, a cast-iron stove grate, a couple of bricks, a jack stand, and some big metal thingy. There may have been a wheelbarrow and a beach towel involved also.
People who say I have too much useless junk have too little imagination
I took everything to the still to mix directly in the pan. The movies went in first, followed by the cocaine substitute and the cigarette butts. I allowed the beer and wine to do the mixing for me, as I gently poured most of their contents into the pan and the rest into me. I then banged my seven-gram rocks together, until they actually broke apart. Now I knew the experiment would succeed: I had cracked rocks.
For some reason, this picture reminds me of my college days
I secured my makeshift lid to the pan with copper wire, and then it was time to distill some answers.
Not a methlab!
The Experiment
With everything securely in place, I doused a pile of wood with lamp oil and lit it. As the fire grew into a mighty blaze, steam began trailing out the end of the cooling pipe, but to my dismay there were no fluids dripping out. Undaunted, I used the most powerful cinematic weapon in my arsenal: the battered Tom Cruise movies from a previous experiment. I knew the power of Cruise, with the resulting temperature increase from the burning plastic, could squeeze the Sheen right out of those movies.
Adding a little Tom Cruise really got it flaming
This approach worked: just a few moments later, droplets of awesome began dripping out of the pipe! I was overjoyed, so much that I failed to notice the increased temperature had weakened the seals of the pipe joints and the precious Tiger Blood was leaking out.
MY PRECIOUS TIGER BLOOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Resisting the urge to lap up the Tiger Blood with my tongue like Bradley Cooper in Limitless, I quickly removed the section of pipe that was leaking, then lay the jar on its side, with the new end of the pipe stuck in it.
I guess this is a pipeostomy?
I let things simmer for a while. After about an hour of rendering down, I pulled the jar off to behold the beautiful red liquid within. I had achieved my goal, and the world was a better place for it. Yay, Science!
Tiger Blood is just as gross as I anticipated
...and that's where babies come from
As an added bonus, I think the yellow substance stuck to the side of the jar was in fact Adonis DNA! WINNING.
Either that, or someone needs a physician.
Conclusion
You too can extract Tiger Blood from Charlie Sheen movies, if you simply use the right reagents and fill the cooling pipe with red food col ... that is, properly plan and prepare the experiment.
I learned so much from this experiment, it's a wonder my face didn't melt off, with my children weeping over my exploded body. I learned to always use duct tape on pipe joints. I discovered that Charlie Sheen really likes to co-star with Tom Berenger and anyone who was in Airplane!. Lastly, I learned that drinking Tiger Blood will turn you into a robot warlock CIA assassin ninja terminator Navy SEAL cake decorator flamenco dancer from Mars, but only for a few seconds.
Reading this right after dinner was a mistake. You are a brave soul.
Next you should do an experiment on the Royal Wedding. And by experiment, I mean getting a bunch of pictures and riddling them with bullet holes. I've had enough already.
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