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Letters to My Enemies: Prank E-Mail to Amway
A comedy article by Davidicus 421 7
05/12/2011 07:40 PM 3451 views

To: Customer.Support@Amway.com

Dear Amway,

I want to become a better person. How can Amway help me
achieve this?

Thank you,
Davidicus




Hello Davidicus,

Thank you for your interest in becoming a better person.

Amway is a business opportunity company that provides a plan, products, and infrastructure to help its Independent Business Owners (IBOs) achieve their goals. Amway Independent Business Owners (IBOs) own their own Amway businesses and are truly independent of the Corporation. They are not employees and are free to operate their Amway businesses as they choose, within the Rules of Conduct that are part of the contract they sign upon becoming Amway IBOs.

Sincerely,
Trudy
Customer Support




Dear Trudy,

I was told by an acquaintance at a neighborhood potluck that Amway could help me become a better person. But I have to be brutally honest here: I don't believe I have what it takes to run my own business. Do you offer alternative ways for me to become a better person without having to work?

Thanks!
Davidicus



Davidicus,

Amway is a business opportunity and you can get out of it as much as you want depending on the amount of effort you put into selling products and promoting the opportunity to others. Amway offers an opportunity to earn extra money, so that you can live a fuller life.

Be sure to check out our NUTRILITE Sports Mixed Berry Smoothie Bar item 109164. This bar provides high quality protein for muscle recovery.

Sincerely,
Mary
Customer Support



Mary,

Chad, the IBO I met at the neighborhood potluck, told me that Amway was a path to achieving my dreams. But my dream is to NOT work. And becoming a business owner requires work. Chad also told me that with the money he earned through his business he'd built a dungeon in his basement for adult invite-only parties. I don't know what he meant by that. But I was definitely interested in contacting you folks about achieving my dreams.

Owning a business sounds like a great way to earn super fast money. But would I be allowed to sublet my business so I don't have to actually work? Also, does Amway sell leather products?

Every time I try to talk to Chad he keeps bringing up his invite-only parties. And he stands too close to me.

Thanks!
Davidicus



Davidicus,

Owning your own Amway business means that you will operate this yourself. You can in turn sign up other people to sell products too, but they would then have their own Amway business. It is a business that you would need to work at in order to reap and benefits and monetary rewards.

Sincerely,
Mary
Customer Support



Mary,

My neighbor Chad made it sound like you could solve all my problems. And while it is my goal to NEVER work again, I can see the benefits in becoming an independent business owner, especially if tweak things a little bit.

I have an old business plan I can use from when I took a night course in business at Herkimer Community College a few years back. If I replace the words "replica ninja swords" in the document with the words "Amway products," I have a roadmap on how I can pull this off. However, I think it might make more sense if I re-label any Amway products with my own brand name "Kool Kitz," to play up the local angle. The Buy Local movement is huge right now!

Davidicus



Davidicus,

Amway must be presented to others the way the business plan has been laid out by Amway. It cannot be marketed under any other brand name.

To join there is a fee of $62 and I would also recommend buying a sales kit to assist you in getting started. Talk to Chad and see where you might wish to focus your attention and he can help direct you to a kit that would fit your needs.

Sincerely,
Mary
Customer Support

______

Mary,

Yes, I can understand why Amway would require its name on all its products. For this reason, I've come up with a solution that will be beneficial to us both. Please see my attached logo. As you can see, I've made some very important alterations to the design. I took out the words "ninja swords" and replaced them with the words "home products." I've also added "Endorsed by Amway" so that it is clear we are affiliated. I decided to keep the picture of the ninja because I believe it implies that he is SLASHING PRICES.

May I list you as my company's customer support specialist? I look forward to working with you!

Davidicus



Hi Davidicus,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding advertising.

Please be advised that Amway must approve any advertising that an IBO wishes to do, including newspaper ads, direct mail flyers, business cards, placement in a telephone directory, etc. Because our Business Conduct and Rules Department must approve all advertising materials, I have forwarded your inquiry to them to further assist you.

Sincerely,
Linda
Customer Support



Dear Linda,

While I wait to hear back from the Business Conduct and Rules Department, I'm going to assume our co-branding arrangement is acceptable. I've filled out all the info on the Amway website to become an IBO and I look forward to partnering with Amway!

I'm also seriously considering bringing your Nutrilite products into my business, but I'll likely change the brand name to PlacebiMAX. (Another Kool Kitz/Amway co-branding partnership.)

Thanks!

Davidicus

_____

From: Amway Business Conduct and Rules Department

Davidicus

Can you please provide us with your IBO #?

Business Conduct and Rules

_____

Hello,

I have not yet received an IBO number but I'm very much looking forward to starting my own business and selling Amway products under the Kool Kitz brand.

In the meantime, I've assembled my marketing plan and have worked on a label merchandising motif for both Amway products (now Kool Kitz!) and your Nutrilite supplements (now PlacebiMAX!). I've provided before/after images for the Nutrilite design changes. (See attached)

I am extremely excited about our partnership and I look forward to hearing back!

Davidicus



David

Thanks for your E-mail. I do need to let you know that Amway products cannot be re-branded. I would suggest that you call us directly to discuss in more detail.

Business Conduct and Rules



Hello again,

I may have misspoken when I said I'd be rebranding Amway products. As a partnership I see this more as a CO-branding opportunity for both Amway and Kool Kitz. In fact, Amway would be credited on ALL Kool Kitz and PlacebiMAX products in the fine print in the same way Philip Morris is credited on Jell-O, Waffle Crisp, and Capri Sun packaging. (Respect the Punch!)

My long term goal is to build up Kool Kitz and PlacebiMAX product sales and then give Amway first refusal on purchase of my company once I've reached $10 million in sales. This will allow me to retire (as I outlined in my earliest correspondence with Amway customer service) and it will add a new, high value brand to Amway's product lines.

I contacted an old colleague of mine at Prevention magazine. I negotiated a GREAT price for a full two-page spread in their August 2011 edition of the magazine. I've attached the ad for your review. You'll see that the ad message is slightly hyperbolic, but that is just standard market-ese to grab customer mindshare.

I truly look forward to helping make Amway a success!

Davidicus



David

Thanks for your E-mail. Again, Amway products cannot be re-branded. Please call us directly to discuss in more detail.

Business Conduct and Rules
_____

Many thanks for your permission to replace the Nutrilite to PlacebiMAX on all Amway dietary supplement products! I would also like to add the XSf',f‚, Energy Drink to my Kool Kitz independent company product lines and change the name to NAMBLAST Liquid Fuel. Logo attached. (Permission on image still pending.

Thank you

Davidicus



David

We haven't given you permission to change Nutrilite to PlacebiMAX. Please contact us right away to discuss in more detail. This is not allowed and I stated this in my response to you.

Business Conduct and Rules



Oh, dear. Yes, I see now upon re-reading your earlier email that you did indeed specifically say I could not change Nutrilite to PlacebiMAX. I have corrected the error so all messaging and product labels say: PlacebiMAX by Nutrilite. A division of Kool Kits, in partnership with Amway. I will make a similar change to NAMBLAST Liquid Fuel: An XS Energy Drink Partner. This should clear up any confusion.

I look forward to partnering with you!

Davidicus

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5 Comments on "

Letters to My Enemies: Prank E-Mail to Amway

"

(Funniest: Drewcifer Reptilian ,Davidicus,just plain Jeen)


Funny 5 votes 3.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054199477
Drewcifer Reptilian 46,366 58
05/12/2011 09:47 PM

I have a new client at work who's an Amway rep (or distributor, or whatever the hell they call themselves these days). The day I met her, I made the mistake of having a can of Monster energy drink in my hand. She practically fell over herself to give me samples and sales pamphlets of XS Energy drink, while lecturing me on how bad Monster is for you.

Since that day, she's come by twice to drop off more sales pamphlets. Luckily, I wasn't there both times. I can't think of an adjective that describes just how foul-tasting those XS drinks are. (I'd say they taste like ass, but I actually like the taste of some ass.) I need to tell my receptionists to tell her I've quit or died. These Frostin' Amway people are like the worst case of herpes.

 

Funny 4 votes 3.2 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054199478
Davidicus 421 7
05/12/2011 10:05 PM

No, I think herpes is better.

I mean, I've HEARD herpes is better. (cough)

 

Funny 7 votes 3.1 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054199479
just plain Jeen 47,815 51
05/12/2011 10:17 PM

I had no idea that high speed train company was so aggressive with their sales.

 

Chuckleworthy 4 votes 2.5 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054199481
Drewcifer Reptilian 46,366 58 sees what you did there
05/12/2011 11:12 PM



It's not just their sales that's so aggressive. It's a whole way of life to these people. It's what would happen if you merge the Mormon Church with Wal-Mart. First you buy their crappy products, then they're trying to recruit you into their fold.

I'd rather do all my shopping in the Zug store.

 

Funny 3 votes 3.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1054199521
John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/13/2011 03:45 PM

I laughed so hard at this, I spewed NAMBLAST out my ass.

Great work, Davidicus.