World's Worst Cover Letter: A Free Downloadable Prank for the Frustrated Job Seeker
A comedy article
by Mary Kitt-Neel  2,902  10
06/03/2011 12:21 AM 7652 views
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Most of us have seen the Aviary.com resume prank, but if you haven't, it is a fake resume sent to Aviary's HR department by the CEO as a joke. It was posted on Reddit.com last year, and went viral from there. Along the way, some people got the idea that "Roanald" was real, which only added to the pranky goodness.
Just one of the people who were taken in by the original cover letter prank
Because unemployment is still high, companies have the luxury of being pretty damn picky who they hire, and millions of job seekers are as frustrated as ever. It makes you wonder if HR people even bother to read the stuff that shows up in their inboxes, which presents a prime opportunity for a new prank cover letter.
Here's a new "crazy cover letter" we've developed. It's perfect for the frustrated job seeker: just alter it to fit the office job you know you'll never get, then send it to the HR douchebags in charge of hiring, using a fake account. You don't even need to include a resume; the letter will be enough.
The email address in the cover letter is real, though "Melissa" isn't. If anything interesting shows up in Melissa's inbox, we'll be sure to let you know.
Dear <Amalgamated Dynamics>,
I noticed that you're advertising for an <office manager>, and I wanted to get my foot through the door right away, knowing that you'll be blessed with numerous qualified candidates. However, I think I bring a unique mix of skill, experience, and personal qualities to the position.
We all know that a great <office manager> has to have great organizational skills, and I have had those since childhood. When I competed for the title of Junior Meat Pie Princess as a 15-year-old, I won the talent competition by organizing a closet on stage in the time it took to play "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer. Believe me, you will be amazed at what I can do with an office full of paper-spewing file cabinets.
Also, my phone skills are second to none. Eighteen months as a CSR for "Bus with Two Backs," a Stratford, England adult tour company for Shakespeare fans, gave me the phone skills to handle even the thorniest of customer service issues. I also relied on my exceptional phone skills when I spent the summer of 1997 booking tourists for Beth El Tours near Nazareth in the Holy Land, which is a Mecca for Jewish tourists. Though I've never specifically worked for a tech company before, I am positive that I will take to it like a fish out of water.
As for personal qualities I bring to the job, they are almost countless. I am not only an expert at taking advantage of people, which is how you get ahead in life, but I know how to be subtle too. In the game of business, just like in the game of chess, you can't let your opponent see your pieces. I am also acutely aware that when you put your best foot forward, it rubs off on people.
I have been through some professionally challenging times in life, but they taught me that when life hands you lemons, the cream rises to the top. That's the attitude I bring when I step up to the plate to face the music. I'm ready to think outside the glass houses, but I also know how to read the handwriting in the wind when the dirty laundry comes home to roost. And as <office manager>, I personally guarantee that I will watch everything with a fine-toothed comb.
I can barely express how grateful I would be if I were to be offered the position of <office manager> by <Amalgamated Dynamics>. It is an outstanding opportunity, and anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm not one to look a gift horse in the bush. I am ready to burn the midnight oil at both ends, grab this ball by the horns, and run with it! I am willing to relocate, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely yours,
Melissa Bartoft
mbartoft@gmail.com
P.S. My 75 WPM typing speed is yet another ace up my hole!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.3
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Also Recommended on ZUG:
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Chix 286,647  61
06/03/2011 10:39 AM
I gave it a fiver for the PS alone.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Mary Kitt-Neel 2,902 10
06/03/2011 11:33 AM
And I *heart* you for that, Chix.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Chix 286,647 61
06/03/2011 12:26 PM
Have my babies?
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Chix 286,647 61
06/03/2011 01:15 PM
Crazy Cat Lady it is, for 500, Alex.
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Funny
4 votes
3.2
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SoundEcho 36 5
06/03/2011 01:40 PM
your pie graph is spot on. Personally, I tend to spend a bit more time at the liquor store than in despair, but to each their own.
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.2
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Mary Kitt-Neel 2,902 10
06/03/2011 02:43 PM
I actually think the "satisfaction" wedge should be much smaller, SE.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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stllioness 12 5
06/03/2011 02:54 PM
This might get more positive responses than my cover letters have so far. Funny stuff, girlie!!!
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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SoundEcho 36 5
06/03/2011 03:01 PM
the satisfaction wedge on my pie graph is practically nonexistent.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.1
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Declan as David Morgan 131,891 36
06/03/2011 03:05 PM
the Satisfaction wedge.....nonexistent.
Would your name perhaps be Michael Jagger?
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.3
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Mary Kitt-Neel 2,902 10
06/03/2011 04:44 PM
Good one, Declan. Took me a minute, but it's afternoon slump time. And no, I know SoundEcho, and she's waaaaaaaaaaay cuter than Jagger.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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SoundEcho 36 5
06/03/2011 05:56 PM
Thanks, Mary. It's well known I am cute AND adorable!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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SoundEcho 36 5
06/03/2011 06:00 PM
Oh, and Declan, that took me far longer to process than it should. Oops.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Declan as David Morgan 131,891 36
06/03/2011 07:27 PM
It is quite all right, dear. I am the king of obscure references around here.
Fewer than half the regulars get my jokes, and some who do wish they did not.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.3
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panicBoy 313 9
06/11/2011 10:31 AM
I just snarfed at "gift horse in the bush," and now have to clear my nasal cavaties of jalapeno string cheese and Coke Zero.
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