I was exploring the otherkin community and getting in touch with my inner elf (read Part One here).
Otherkin Powers
What's the point in being an elf if I can't become really good at archery or poetry or sodomy or whatever elves are supposed to be good at? To further my learning, I looked at the abilities otherkin have that make them superior to humans.
A common talent otherkin claim is the ability to recall distant memories from their previous lives -- usually traumatic ones, like their death. That's not exactly the kind of mighty power I was hoping for, but it was a good way to test my abilities, so I gave it a try.
To recall these distant memories, I just had to go out into the natural world, relax and see what came to me. It worked -- as I lay under a great tree, images drifted through my mind. I was fighting an ancient evil, rescuing a unicorn and helping a young man save his lost love ... no, wait, that was David Bennett in Legend. Man, that movie was an insult to my elven heritage.
Also, it kind of sucked.
Some otherkin believe they have the ability to curse people when their emotions are strong. They don't have the ability to control it, because that would be something you could test -- but terrible or ironic consequences tend to befall those who dare cross an otherkin's path, supposedly.
Knowing this, I paid close attention the next time my passions were enflamed -- if the target of my ire was struck by misfortune, the only explanation would be an elven curse.
I didn't have to wait long. I asked a friend to listen to me recite some poetry in elven so I could practice speaking the language, but his response was, "I don't know, that sounds kinda gay." I was so upset that I yelled, "May Eru strike you down!". I don't think my elven power manifested itself, unless "giving me a weird look and ignoring me for a week" constitutes a curse.
A few otherkin claim to be able to do magic or control the elements with meditation, but most dismiss that as crazy talk and I'm sure they know crazy talk when they see it. Unfortunately, the only remaining otherkin ability is the power to wear ridiculous clothes without shame.
An ability I will never have.
Conclusion
In retrospect, there's a slight possibility that I'm not an elf. This was a difficult conclusion to reach, but I've got to face the ugly truth: I spent all that money on plastic pointed ears and green tunics for nothing.
But at least I answered the elven calling, because I definitely learned something. I learned why the otherkin community is appealing -- it's nice to think that deep down you're an ancient elf, rather than just an office worker or a fast food cook or a horse semen collector. I can't mock them for wanting escapism, even if their methods are a little -- how can I put this delicately -- batShakespeare crazy.
After all, that's what's so great about the Internet: no matter how crazy you are, there are plenty of people who want to share that craziness with you. As someone who frequents a website for people who like to watch watermelons get juggled by German lesbians, I'm in no position to judge. But for the love of God, otherkin, please stop with the elf porn -- while researching this article I inadvertently saw far more than any man should see. Can't you use your millennia of wisdom to replace it with some classy elf erotica?
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