Sad Sack Stories
A comedy article
by Chix  286,647  61
07/19/2011 10:34 AM 438 views
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Sad Sack Stories
I was inspired last night while listening to the podcast of This American Life on NPR by the girl who so couldn't let go of an old boyfriend, that at the breakup, she started quoting Phil Collins' Against All Odds at the guy.
"How can I just let you walk away....You're the only one who really knew me at all."
Sadly for her, there was no effect on the guy. But she did get to have a nice article on TAL and to speak to Phil Collins, and get his guidance on the writing of her own torch song. Even sadder, was after she wrote her own kinda nice but really pitifully themed song, she once again asked Phil, "So do you think this will win him back?"
I know, right? Phil let her down easy.
Which brings me to my own Phil Collins torch song story.
I first met Lori at Youth Church Choir camp at the beach. We had one of those awesome young-love beach romances. Oddly enough though, we didn't just say see ya later at the end of the week and never see each other again. We wrote for like 6 or 8 months until the stringency of distance broke our mutual infatuation.
Flash forward 5 years or so and I changed majors, universities, and states. I had not been on the new campus a week when out of the blue I hear a voice from behind me, "Ch-Chickens?" I turn around and am nearly bowled over by the embrace of the much grown up and filled out Lori. Thank you, Cupid!
However, she was still dating her first real boyfriend, though they were having some issues, namely he was jealous bastard who couldn't stand her leaping into the arms of old ever-so-short flames. He also memorized her schedule and threw fits whenever she went missing for more than a few minutes.
Needless, I made short work of that and we were soon hot and very heavy. Or so I thought. (She and I. I could have never put up with his jealous rages, let me tell you.) Later, I was cold-Coleridgeed one night when she came to my apartment and AFTER doing the deed, dumped me. The lame excuse was that he had come back to her, promised to change, and after all, he had taken her virginity, however forced (yeah again, I know, right?)
So there was your beloved Chix, all alone. It was my first real dumping, having always been the dumper in the past. I went through the usual phases. Elation at all the new ground I was be plowing out of sheer revenge.  Then drunken stupor as it all set in.  Finally emotional wreckage as I realized that some raping bastard had stolen the best thing that had ever happened to me away.
Enter Phil Collins.  Now I know, despite the red tint to his face, that this guy doesn't really look like the devil, but looks can be quite deceiving.
I had never had the least interest in love songs, much less break up songs. Suddenly, "Please give me one more night, give me just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Please give me one more night, ooh just one more night
Oh one more night, cos I can't wait forever
Give me one more night, give me just one more night
Ooh one more night, cos I can't wait forever" was on never-ending repeat rinse cycle in my brain.
Realistically, knowing the development of my brain at the time, I really only wanted a more personal revenge romp. A one nighter, if you will.
In reality, what happened was much worse. I won her back.
I called her one day, when the song got so loud I just couldn't take it any more. Can we meet at the playground in the park between our two apartments? (Like a mile apart, with this city park being the central point). We sat on the swings a while. We talked about what was going on in our lives. Then I told her why I had wanted to talk to her.
"I can't get you out of my head, Lori. I know we're through. I know that. But this Phil Collins song is driving me crazy. It's like he wrote it just for me and about you. All I wanted to do was to tell you that, and to tell you that I do love you. I think I always will. Now I think I can move on."
Worked like a boss.
Downside was now I was stuck with her. The sex was awesome to say the least, and she had everything I was ever looking for in a woman, but for some reason, I still had some growing up to do, and I didn't think I could do it in that relationship with her. So since this was all about me anyway, she eventually got shown the door. After a year or so. I did say the sex was pretty good.
Year later, bitch ended up sending my dad an invite to her wedding. It was the most polite F.U. note ever. Bet that bastard Phil Collins never put that in a song.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.0
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Chix 286,647  61
07/19/2011 10:35 AM
I challenge you to top that. And no, we don't want to hear about the love of your life you met on an internet comedy board. Like that's believable.
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Hilarious
11 votes
4.5
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Fratberry 283,052 53
07/19/2011 11:02 AM
I sat on my left nut the other day and that's my sad sack story.
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Funny
9 votes
3.9
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
07/19/2011 11:15 AM
Republicans are allowed to listen to NPR?
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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Midgets 96,156 48
07/19/2011 11:16 AM
So, you were young, healthy, in college(the best time of anyones life), and having all the sex you wanted?
That's as sad as the time I found $200 and had a threesome in the same day.
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Funny
2 votes
3.5
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Chix 286,647 61
07/19/2011 11:20 AM
No midget, you obviously missed my point. I'll start over.
So there was the bastard named Phil Collins who wasn't allowed to sing in Genesis, then...
ah forget it.
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Hilarious
8 votes
4.5
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Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
07/19/2011 11:28 AM
Creationists believe every word that genesis says. I don’t even think Phil Collins is a good drummer!
-Stolen from Jimmy Carr
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Disco Bob 4,322 8
07/19/2011 12:39 PM
Ok, I'm too young to have used Phil Collins to get laid but I've got a story:
It was my freshman year and I was pretty deep in the dreaded friend zone with a girl I met in the dining hall. She was still dating her high school boyfriend, ya'll know the type he didn't get accepted anywhere and he's still back in their hometown going to some community college. It was painfully obvious to everyone around us that I wanted to be more than friends. It seemed like everyone knew except her, although I suspect she got a kick out of having some love struck moron follow her around a like a puppy. The song I used; Everything you want, by Vertical Horizon.
I am everything you want, I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be
I say all the right things at exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
It worked. Well it got me pity sex at least. She didn't break up with the back home boyfriend and we met up just one more time, in which she told me it was a mistake and she was sorry that one night would ruin our friendship. I wasn't all that crushed, I was 18; I got some booty and I got to brag about turning around the friend zone. In hindsight it was pretty pathetic but at 18 we'll pretty much do anything to get laid, I'm not sure I've matured all that much but at least I don't resort to pity as a means to get some any more.
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.4
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Whistler 186,138 44
07/19/2011 01:33 PM
Chickens, you're just gross. Did you have no standards?
I would never Frost a girl who liked Phil Collins.
Peter Gabriel era Genesis, maybe, but Frost-ing a girl who listened to Phil Collins' solo material would be as bad as Frost-ing a girl with a collection of Billy Joel albums.
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Funny
6 votes
3.7
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Whistler 186,138 44
07/19/2011 01:35 PM
For what it's worth, I'm (supposed to be) cleaning out and organizing my new classroom for the upcoming term. In the teacher's desk, I found a copy of the cd Phil CollinShakespeares. I threw it in the dumpster.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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KChiki watches you while you post! 128,451 98
07/19/2011 02:30 PM
I had a ton of Billy Joel in my Napster in college.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Chix 286,647 61
07/19/2011 03:46 PM
Whistler stopped listening to "popular" music when Jethro Tull stopped making fife-ridden albums.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Fratberry 283,052 53
07/19/2011 04:23 PM
They stopped??? Jethro died?? Why does nobody think to tell me these things??
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
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Whistler 186,138 44
07/20/2011 01:26 AM
A. I like popular music. For instance, Mozart's music is among the most popular ever, if not THE most popular ever, and I love Mozart. I just don't like Shakespearety, insipid music.
B. Jethro Tull hardly qualifies as popular music.
C. Jethro Tull died in 1741. Ian Anderson, the leader of the band named after Mr. Tull, is alive and well, and continues to tour, playing an assortment of flutes and whistles, both as a solo act and with (the band) Jethro Tull.
D. Most fans prefer Aqualung, but Songs from the Wood is my favorite Tull album. Yes, I can play all the solos on my fife while standing on one leg. No, I no longer do so while wearing tights and a codpiece.
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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Chix 286,647 61
07/20/2011 07:26 AM
I have no idea why not.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Chix 286,647 61
07/20/2011 02:03 PM
Found yourself a new outfit?
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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KatDawg 10,055 11
07/23/2011 01:09 PM
I have no reply at all.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
07/23/2011 03:57 PM
I do, why is Phil Collins on my computer.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Whistler 186,138 44
07/23/2011 06:51 PM
First of all, Bill, I cannot believe it's true. Second, I don't wanna know. And finally, I don't care anymore. That's just the way it is. That's how I feel. Everyday. All of my life. You know what I mean?
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