I was attempting to trade in my gold tooth at a local Cash4Gold (read Part 1 here).
I had trouble sleeping, due to the throbbing of my face and the scraping of my gums. Friday couldn't come soon enough. I went for my root canal early. Unlike the four-hour marathon the day before, the root canal took only thirty minutes. Midway through the appointment, I realized that spreading intense pain out over four hours is a good idea.
Back at work, with a half numb face, I felt as if I were living proof of life after a stroke. I couldn't feel much after the 15+ shots, and was slobbering while I spoke. Somehow I survived a good six hours at work without crying or passing out. I credit the anticipation of my Cash4Gold adventure for helping me survive the day. As soon as my Mickey Mouse alarm clock hit 5:00 p.m., I ditched my workmates and ran out the door, all while limping for some reason.
I drove ten minutes to the Cash4Gold place. I jumped out of my car, took two pictures, waved to Kim, the tall one, and entered the Cash4Gold place.
"Hi. Where's Tim?" I asked as I walked into the place. The place had been rearranged and now there was a rich, black leather couch and a rug with a panther where Tim once stood.
"Tim? We've never had a Tim work here," said a portly young lady of Latin descent.
"Uh, yes you did and he said he didn't like gold or white people."
"Oh, Mark? Yeah, he got fired. I can help you though," the chunky lady said.
Rather than get personally involved with her, I sat down, pulled the gold from my pocket and slapped it on the desk. "You've never seen one of these before, have you?"
"Yes. You'd be surprised," she said, as she took a look at my broken gold crown in its condom case.
"Sorry about the case," I said as she took a closer look. "The doctor put it in there."
"Do you mind if I open this?"
"Sure. What are you going to do to it?" My curiosity was perked up like my nipples on a cold day.
"I'm going to test it to see what karat it is," she said, with an expert overweight eye.
She began rubbing it with what looked like a fingernail file while making grunting sounds. I saw a trickle of sweat emerge between the pasty makeup on her forehead.
"Hot in here, isn't it?" I asked but there was no response. She was too busy testing my gold teeth.
"It's 14-karat," she said.
"I'm gonna be rich!" I yelled as I stood up and put my hands over my head like Arthur Ashe.
The man at the other table laughed, while his customer stared at me like I was Winnie the Pooh getting his Eeyore slapped.
She put the two pieces of gold love onto her scale.
"I feel like I'm one of those drug movies with the naked women making drugs," I said to her while she waited. She smiled. "You don't ever have to work naked, do you?"
"Uh, no," she said, as the drug weight made a ding dong sound.
"$22.35 is what I can give you," she said, with the excitement of a turd.
I sat silently counting to 50. I could see her years of Big Macs shudder as she breathed, but I held in the vomit sensation and practiced Buddhism.
"Is that your final offer?"
"Yeah. That's the only offer," she countered.
"Touche," I responded, then continued. "Kim said I could get a million dollars," I counter-countered as I smiled. "I got a root canal today and I'm in pain," I added.
"That's the final offer. Do you want it or not?"
I leaned to the other desk, "She's a tough negotiator, Jim."
"What?" he asked as he looked up.
"OK! Deal!" I attempted to shake her hand.
"I need your ID," was her only response.
I presented her with my ID and reassured her, "I didn't steal that tooth, you know. It came out of my mouth." I pulled up my cheek and nearly passed out from the pain. "See?"
"I believe you, here you go." She handed me a check for $22.35.
"Nice ... but wait, this is a check. Shouldn't it be cash? Your sign says Cash4Gold!"
"We don't have cash here. Security reasons," was her weak response.
"Look, this is false advertising, and I'm a secret shopper. I could turn you in for false advertising," I informed her.
"I don't make the signs, I just work here."
With that, I left, waved at Kim, the tall one, and took my check. I spent it within five minutes on a gallon of gas.
So you see, never has it been so easy to pull something out of your mouth and covert it to a gallon of gas for your car. Thanks, Cash4Gold!
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