Dracula. Nosferatu. Count von Count. Three of the most famous fictional depictions of that terrible monster of ancient lore: the vampire.
Vampires are usually misunderstood, having been portrayed as ruthless killers throughout most of history. The modern era has been even less kind, turning vampires into angst-ridden wimps, the target of affection for teenage girls and, worst of all, Anne Rice protagonists.
But the Internet has allowed vampire enthusiasts to attempt to set the record straight. Websites dedicated to the discussion of vampires make it clear that they are much more than hormone-addled love interests or amoral killers -- they're complex beings that should be given the respect they deserve. Oh yeah, and they're not fictional.
That's right: the Internet is home to a community of people who think they are actually vampires, and I intended to become one of them. Read on to see how much blood I sucked!
The Basics
I thought vampires were immortal beings who lived in giant castles and could turn into bats on a whim. That sounded like a pretty sweet deal, so I was excited by the prospect of becoming one. Unfortunately, that was my naivete speaking -- no vampires think they can turn into a bat or own a castle. That would just be stupid.
"I'm sick of people not taking vampires seriously."
Much of what I thought I knew about vampires was wrong -- the media has been unrealistic in its portrayal of our bloodsucking friends. So, what are vampires really like?
Vampires identity themselves as one of two types: sanguine and psychic. Sanguine vampires are your traditional bloodsuckers -- they feel a strong desire to consume human blood, and believe that doing so is important to their wellbeing. Some even believe that if they don't get a regular dose of blood, they'll die. Or at least that's the excuse they use when they're caught running phony Red Cross blood drives.
Psychic vampires are quite different. They don't feed off of blood -- they feed off of energy. They need to feed to avoid suffering an emotional or spiritual deficiency, which makes them sound less like mighty vampires and more like hippies. This energy can come from many different sources--emotions, various new age concepts like chakras, and even sexual energy. That's right, there are sex vampires.
"I want to suck your blood! And also your erection."
There are a few myths about vampires that the community was eager to clear up: they're not immortal, they can't shapeshift and the vast majority of them don't live in Transylvanian castles. On the plus side, they're only mildly sensitive to sunlight and garlic, can see themselves in mirrors and are quite capable of crossing running water. Why, that almost makes them sound like normal people! But I'm sure that's just crazy talk.
Am I A Vampire?
I had educated myself on the modern vampire, and my desire to join their ranks had only grown stronger. But most vampires agree that being turned into one is essentially impossible -- contrary to popular portrayal, vampirism is something you're born with. It sounded like I was out of luck ... unless I was a vampire already and didn't realize it.
The vampire community believes that most vampires "awaken" in their teenage years. That's when your body goes through physical changes that allow your "vampire genes" to surface, and also when you're most susceptible to people telling you that you're a special little snowflake in a boring world of normals.
A few people awaken even earlier.
However, vampires can awaken as late as their mid-20s. I'm in my mid-20s, which means I could very well be on the cusp of turning into a vampire.
The more I thought about psychic vampires, the more I thought I might be one. All the vague, open-ended signs fit! Whenever I enter a room people yawn and make excuses to leave, no doubt because I'm sucking away all their energy. And my sexual partners often fall asleep -- again, psychic vampirism must be the cause!
But wait, there's more! Some common signs that you're a psychic vampire include:
- A habitual desire to be around people.
- Other people feel depressed or tired around you.
- You feel tired in the morning but energetic at night.
All those traits fit me, but I didn't want to self-diagnosis myself -- the last time I did that I ended up wasting a ton of morphine. To be absolutely sure, I had to consult the creatures of the night directly.
There are a variety of thriving vampire communities out there. I decided to become a member of PsiVamp, a forum specifically for psychic vampires. First, I introduced myself:
The community's response was warm and friendly:
In fact, it was almost too friendly -- I've posted on Dora the Explorer fan forums that were ruder than these guys. I thought we were vampires, not the Super Friends. Wasn't anyone going to challenge me to a blood sucking contest, or a poetry-off, or whatever it is vampires do to assert dominance?
I headed to the help section, where confused people like me can ask real vampires for advice. Here I would find a definitive answer to the question that had plagued me -- was I really a vampire? I bared my soul and awaited judgement:
The feedback was empathetic:
Incomprehensible:
And practical:
Combined, the vampire community's analysis was clear: the only way for me to be certain I was a vampire was to feel it. Well, I felt confident I was a vampire, so I decided I was one. See, becoming a vampire after one bites you is silly. Becoming one because of circular logic and group polarization makes so much more sense.
Now, I know you're saying, "How can you believe you're a psychic vampire when you don't even know how they do their energy sucking thing?"
That's the best part. Psychic vampires feed subconsciously. It's like osmosis: it just happens, with neither party being aware. Why, someone could be psychically feeding off of you right now! This bad Photoshop will make everything clear:
You see that cloud of clown vomit? That's a depiction of ambient energy, excess life force that radiates from everyone. All I have to do to "feed" off it is hang around crowds of people for a while, and I'll magically feel refreshed!
As mentioned earlier, we can also feed off strong emotions and sex -- presumably a partner laughing at my poor sexual performance is enough to sustain me for weeks. But that's just desert to ambient energy's bread and butter. All a psychic vampire needs to do to survive is ensure they spend a fair amount of time with other people. Damn, being a vampire is easy.
Please continue to Part 2: The Vampire Lifestyle!
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