I had joined an online community of people who think they're vampires (please read Part One here).
Vampire Powers
I had mastered the social side of living as a vampire, but I also wanted to put my vampirism to practical use. That meant I had to figure out what the hell vampires can actually do.
There's a fierce debate in the vampire community about what powers vampires have. It's agreed that no vampire can do anything extreme like live forever, but many claim to have mild psychic abilities. Others claim that these people are full of Shakespeare, but Frost those guys. I want powers!
The most commonly claimed ability is a technique called shielding, which is intended to protect you from anything that might drain your life force (psychic vampires with ill intentions, daytime television, etc.). There are many approaches, but they all come down to thinking really, really hard.
The first approach I tried involved holding my hands out and touching them together, then imagining an impenetrable shell forming around my body, like an egg. Unfortunately, all I could imagine was how stupid I looked.
Although if I gained 250 pounds I could make it look like I was just holding my stomach up.
The second approach was similar, except somehow even sillier looking. I had to link my fingers together and pretend a whole series of links was going around my body, like armor.
I was either shielding myself from psychic attacks or making gang signs.
I had absolutely no idea if it was working. But I also had no idea if it wasn't working, so I went ahead and assumed it was. Bring it on, psychic attackers!
Being able to shield myself was nice, but even greater powers were available -- feeding techniques. Talented psychic vampires can go beyond the ability to feed passively by actively drawing energy from their targets. I chose to learn the Sacred Triad technique, because it sounded mystical and even came with a disclaimer about proper use. Think of the power it must contain!
Unfortunately, the Sacred Triad came down to pointing at your target and breathing deeply, so you can "draw in the life-force." I was warned to only use it in crowds or on a willing donor, presumably because if I tried it on strangers on the street they would hurt themselves laughing at me.
I'm a vampire! Bang bang!
Somewhere in the middle of my Charlie's Angels impression I came to the realization that life as a vampire wasn't quite what I had hoped it would be.
Conclusion
When I first began my research into the world of the modern vampire, I assumed they considered themselves to be rare creatures whose arcane powers were only passed down to a few select souls every generation. Little did I know that the exact opposite was true: vampiric powers can be prescribed to anyone with a pulse.
So, am I a vampire? Well, the "evidence" seems to suggest so ... but based on the same evidence, everyone from my grandmother to the hobo that pees in my petunias could be a vampire, too. Hell, you're probably one, according to the Internet.
Internet vampires are so broadly defined that anyone who wants to be a vampire can find a website that says they fit the bill. So either vampires aren't real after all (gasp!), or society is 90% vampire and just doesn't realize it.
It's probably the former, but I want to be prepared in case of the latter. So I've decided to found my own vampire coven, for people who are as confused by the prospect of being a vampire as I am. Behold the crest of the Zug Vampire Coven, the best coven ever!
Now accepting new members!
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