It's quite easy for auto insurance companies to judge our driving skills from afar, nestled comfortably in their safe, coffee-stained nooks. Do they even care that you almost had your "Angry Birds" high score when you rear-ended that Ford Focus? No, they don't. Bastards.
But really, who are these incognito insurance ingrates doing all this holier-than-thou judging? Exactly -- no one knows. They're more secretive than the Chamber of Secrets. But isn't it time that changed? Shouldn't we demand to know what makes these ticks tick?
Yes, but that would take a lot of time and effort, and well, I'm not your guy when words like "time" and "effort" are involved. That said, if you add a word like "minimal" to "effort," well, a little bit of magic happens.
I figured I'd start my background check on these insurance companies where they start theirs: with their cars.
Taking my investigative skills to their parking lots, I set out to find out which auto insurance employees -- between Geico, Allstate, and Progressive -- are the safest drivers. Armed with my camera, pen, and a bag of teriyaki beef jerky, I would inspect their cars carefully for any nicks or dents, and make a judgment. Surely this is no less scientific than their judgments on our driving records, right?
TEST #1: ALLSTATE PARKING LOT
I started my quest at the top of the alphabet: Allstate. Besides having a stable of intimidating TV pitchmen who almost challenge your masculinity with their ads (at least they challenge mine, which, admittedly, is always up for a challenge), Allstate covers about 20% of the auto insurance market. That fact was hard to tell on this day.
When your parking lot is this empty, it's easy to keep your vehicle ding-free.
I arrived at a local Allstate office to find one Jeep Grand Cherokee sitting directly in front of the building, with a BMW parked a few spaces away. I'm not sure if the 740i was connected to the Allstate office, but good Lord, I had to count it. That's a vehicle that needs insuring!
For the sake of science, this BMW was the property of an Allstate employee.
As hard as I tried to find one dent, scrape or bird carcass in the grill, I couldn't. These cars were flawless. I grew skittish because of the tone of their commercials. My mind began to play tricks on me. I imagined a stern Dennis Haysbert, whapping me upside the head with his testosterone-soaked right hand. Yeah, it was time to go.
Allstate grade: A
TEST #2: GEICO PARKING LOT
Next up was a local Geico office, and once again, I was learning that these places are not hotbeds of activity on a weekday afternoon. Two cars -- a convertible Mustang and a Mazda 6 -- graced this strip mall's lot, and aha! The Mustang was sitting in the handicapped spot! Perhaps it was because the reckless driver was an accident-making machine?
They're prepared for plenty of injured drivers here -- kinda makes sense.
A further inspection of the Ford's exterior revealed some paint loss on the front bumper. Now, it could've come from normal wear and tear, but more than likely, judging by the BIR (Blemish Intensity Ratio), it appears to have been the result of a high-speed, body-dragging, hit and run accident. Here, take a look for yourself.
If that's not hit and run damage, I don't know what is. All that's missing is the bloody scalp.
To Geico's credit, the Mazda sitting outside was in great shape. Still, I couldn't overlook that glaring bumper damage on the Mustang. I just pray the victim's death was quick and painless.
Geico grade: B-
TEST #3: PROGRESSIVE PARKING LOT
Progressive's local office was my last stop. They're big on those quirky spots with that redhead in the white rooms. What kind of drivers that would translate to? I had no idea. As I pulled into the lot ... hold on, what's this? Forty feet away from the office sat a big black limo! I scampered closer to take a look.
Are Progressive employees this well off?
It was easy to see this Lincoln Town Car was good from afar, but far from good. The window tint was peeling off and the paint on the right rear side was fading fast. If this was what Progressive's agents were using to get to work, they were pretty sloppy with it.
The likely scratch from a Progressive agent who wanted out.
Is there anything more depressing than a rundown limo? I mean besides the departure of Oprah.
Not content to settle with this evidence, I lurked around the back of the building in search of more cars. That's when I found this auto atrocity.
This Nissan was hidden -- rightly so -- behind the Progressive building.
I'm not saying this beat-up Nissan reeked of death, but it sure wasn't the fresh scent of life that was wafting outward. I'm also pretty sure I saw the dog from Cujo in the backseat. Did this car belong to a Progressive agent? Of course it did; I wasn't about to start getting all factual and scientific now.
With a rundown limo and a hidden Nissan that actually forced me to remember the word "jalopy," Progressive left me quite unimpressed.
Paint loss was the least of this car's issues. For shame, Progressive!
Progressive grade: D
CONCLUSION
To their credit, none of the big three had any cars in their lots with significant body damage. Then again, if their agents did have any major accidents, they'd probably have some connections to get the repair work done quickly, probably by a guy named Vinny.
With two of the three lots featuring deteriorating vehicles, and all three auto insurance companies seemingly hurting for foot traffic, I couldn't help but feel a little sorry for them as I wrapped up my survey. Would these local businesses survive? Would anyone let Cujo out of the backseat of that Nissan?
At least I now know where to rent a cheap limo.
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