NEW! The *Ultimate* Hassle Card!
A comedy article
by Jeeni  47,815  51
08/20/2011 04:02 AM 500 views
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Introduction
In the past, my credit card offered 5% cash back on gas, groceries (and drugstore purchases).
Unfortunately for me, they've recently retooled the card and instead of getting 5% cash back on gas and groceries all year long, now I have to log into their website - quarterly - and sign up for different, less valuable offerings.
Since I never shop at drugstores, that was no big loss, but I use the card for both gas and groceries all year long - not just the 4 months out of the year they will offer 5% on gas and groceries.
I dumped my Discover card for this exact reason years ago. Who wants to be so active with something that really should remain on the peripheral? Everyone has so many other things to think about, why would we want to add something else to "maintain"?
The Name
Unluckily for them, they're now calling the card the Freedom Ultimate Credit Card.
Perfect.
I'd like to meet the marketing genius who came up with that one.
Brilliant. Name a card what you're taking away.
It reminds me of when they name roads. When they wipe out a field of wild flowers and berries where deer used to graze, they'll call it "Deer Haven" to commemorate the loss of an actual deer haven. Maybe they were naming the card "Freedom" to commemorate the loss of freedom.
I Must Activate My New Card
I recently had the pleasure to call and activate my new-and-improved card.
Would I get automated service or would I get an actual human?
I was betting it would be a human because these days, credit card companies are taking every advantage to "up-sell" their services.
I was right.
Poor Jo. (This is the operator who was unlucky enough - and patient enough - to speak with me.)
I decided I would only share my opinion if she tried to up-sell to me. Would I like insurance or additional costs associated with this card? No. I figured I would tell her exactly how I felt, only if she jumped into her "up-sell script".
I can smell an up-sell a mile away. It starts with a complement.
"We would like to thank you for the continued loyalty..."
Woot! It was my time to start bitching and whining about my new "freedom" SHINE!
Poor woman. She didn't have a chance. I bitched about it and questioned how signing into their site quarterly was considered "Freedom".
Since I'm always trying to be a helpful person, I suggested a couple alternative names for their new crappy card. My suggestions were pretty lame. (But the card is lame, so it matched! Right?!) "The Check-up Quarterly Card!" and "Quarterly 5% Card" were all I could think of at the spur of the moment.
My husband, who I didn't realize was listening from another room chimed in "The Hassle Card!"
He had IT! It was the perfect name for the new card and he completely cracked me up with how quickly he came up with it.
The one thing that scared me a little, was - well, a little later in the call, I felt a slight legal obligation to let her know this call "might" be recorded for humorous purposes. She made a sinister mention that she's submit a comment to her manager about what I said. I suddenly became very paranoid. Did she mean about my general bitching about the card or about my recording the call?
I guess I'll find out soon enough.
You can listen to the call here.
Enjoy!
Request: Do you have a credit card you actually like?
Additional request: How about a lawyer?
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
8 votes
3.8
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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Spicey McHaggis 117,791  37
08/20/2011 09:14 AM
Wait, I have to wait until I'm off work to go to another site and spend time listening to the call instead of just reading the transcript here right now? Who's hassling who, missy?
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
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Shell: stay away from my crazy! 77,143 25
08/20/2011 10:37 AM
I think they're training the actual humans to have voices devoid of all emotion so that the automated system seems like the more appealing choice.
I hate the up-sells. One of my card companies is always calling me with that.
"There is no problem with your account today, ma'am, we'd just like to thank you and inform you about some of the additional serv...."
*ding*
Oops, forgot that phones don't ding anymore when you hang up on someone.
*beep*
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054208405
Redwing 3,887 30
08/20/2011 10:54 AM
Nice to hear that Lily Tomlin is finding work these days.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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Jeeni 47,815 51
08/20/2011 11:24 AM
Just for you, Spicey: TRANSCRIPT
Not to worry - I had nothing else more productive to do in that hour I just spent transcribing that. Hope it's worth your while!
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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Jeeni 47,815 51
08/20/2011 03:52 PM
Thanks for the new card, Sprog!
Oh damn, It's already expired. Aw. Thanks for nothing.
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.2
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Sprog ohmygodSprog! 9,049 12
08/20/2011 04:59 PM
Oh damn, It's already expired.
Just like Mel Gibson's career.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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KatDawgBot3000 10,055 11
08/20/2011 05:09 PM
Jeeni, please tell me Zuggerton isn't really your last name.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Jeeni 47,815 51
08/22/2011 11:58 AM
No, it's Jeeni Elizabeth Wolfe+585
Ask me about my Grandpa Hubert, the typesetter from Philly.
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