My cat loves me...
A comedy article
by Chris the Rock  249  8
08/22/2011 01:53 AM 525 views
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Alright, I've been waiting for something worthy of Zug to happen in my life for quite a while. I feel it finally has. Hope you all aren't squeamish.
So, I was having the most wonderful dream last night. 'twas a sexy dream but sadly I can't remember the exact details (probably a good thing). What I do remember in very vivid detail is how the dream ended... It ended with me screaming.
You see, my tiny little cat Lea had seen a bulge in my blanket *coughs* and decided to attack... Somehow managing to sink two claws deep into my glans in the process. I vaguely remembering throwing her off of me, curling up in a fetal position, and then I passed out from the pain (a first for me).
When I finally wake back up I am freezing! It's cold and my pants are, for some reason, soaking wet. Forgetting for a moment about the night before I reach my hand down, feel the moisture, then bring it back up. Blood. Lots of blood!
I run into my bathroom and take my pants off, which are full of blood, and inspect the damage. That's when I get very, very scared. For you see, my beloved cat sunk her claw into my flesh at such a place and angle that I fear I may now have a second hole through which to pee. Almost crying I step to the toilet and let go of the flow. Let me tell you folks, I was never so glad to see my plumbing working correctly in all my life... Until the pain hit. No fun friends. No fun.
All in all I made out alright. I very nearly had a prince albert from the main claw and the second one just hurt the side a bit. I was a bit off-kilter from the blood loss though. Must have had over a pint in my pants.
This story gets even better though.
A few hours ago I was feeling pretty sore down below and decided to lay down for a bit. My head hit the pillow... Which was wet. "What the @#$%?" I say and look closer. No blood. I then smell the pillow.
Yep, my cat loves me. Not only did she tear up my man meat, she also pissed on my pillow for good measure.
What a day folks.
This submission box says underneath that my article will be rated funnier if I post pictures. I somehow don't think you all would wanna see my punctured, bruised member. Not much to see anyway! XD
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
22 votes
4.3
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Funny
8 votes
3.9
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Jeeni 47,815  51
08/22/2011 02:03 AM
Sounds like you took one for the team. Good going!
I don't even have a penis and I was clutching mine.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.8
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Sprog ohmygodSprog! 9,049 12
08/22/2011 04:21 AM
Fratberry side account.
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Funny
6 votes
3.3
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/22/2011 05:54 AM
Serves you right. Men have dogs.
Good read though.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
08/22/2011 07:24 AM
Ditto the insane squirrel said.
Grow a pair, get a dog, and let him take care of your cat problem.
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Funny
6 votes
3.0
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CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
08/22/2011 07:25 AM
Hope you all aren't squeamish.
It was bad enough when we were all Mike Moon.
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.1
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Fratberry 283,052 53
08/22/2011 08:22 AM
I have dog-sized cats who will, on occasion, drag their butts across the floor, a technique referred to as the Boot Scoot Boogie. I'm sure that counts for something.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Fratberry 283,052 53
08/22/2011 01:00 PM
By the way, I'm also calling fat daughter on this story.
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Funny
9 votes
3.9
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Jeeni 47,815 51
08/22/2011 01:23 PM
Fratberry, go all CSI* on us! Tell me why I shouldn't believe this story.
*Cat Scratch Investigation, of course.
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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UnderWhere? 101,398 77
08/22/2011 01:50 PM
Hope you all aren't squeamish.
Nah, we're all Chris Garrett.
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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Chris the Rock 249 8
08/22/2011 02:23 PM
I did have dogs until around a month ago but moved and couldn't take them. In all honesty though, I prefer animals that don't eat their own crap or my belongings.
What does calling fat daughter mean?
Also, not as sore today but some weird bruising. Does *not* feel good to get 'excited'. It's not like I was using it anyway but it was at least nice to know I had the option.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
08/22/2011 02:29 PM
Here you are, Chris.
(Actual helpful link.)
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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Declan on a borrowed Acer netbook 131,891 36
08/22/2011 02:36 PM
Awww, Kchiki---
You should have Lemonpartied or RickRolled him.
Where's the fun in actually being helpful to n00bs?
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Thud 68,525 19
08/22/2011 02:43 PM
It was a good read and, since no one else said it
Welcome to Live on Zug. Look for a guy called Hammerhead for the welcome party cake and cookies. He like to talk with new people.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.0
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Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
08/22/2011 02:50 PM
Heh, I just finished reading through it myself. Ahh, mammaries memories!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.8
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Chris the Rock 249 8
08/22/2011 03:37 PM
Hey, thanks for the link. No BS here though. Don't make me post a picture as proof. XD I don't need my genitals on the internet again.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Chris the Rock 249 8
08/22/2011 03:48 PM
Wow Sprog, what a link. Kind of like a train wreck. I didn't really want to keep looking but I couldn't look away. XD
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Sprog ohmygodSprog! 9,049 12
08/22/2011 04:05 PM
Bet that made you hungry.
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Funny
2 votes
3.0
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SIV Attacks the Darknss! 13,642 16
08/22/2011 07:04 PM
Welcome Chris, you seem to be the first promising noob we've gotten for awhile. If you mess it up we'll have Spicy sit on you.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Drewcifer CDXX 46,366 58
08/22/2011 07:37 PM
Well said, Siv, you old timer.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Thud 68,525 19 glides through thread
08/22/2011 07:50 PM
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Funny
9 votes
3.6
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Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
08/22/2011 09:08 PM
If you mess it up we'll have Spicy sit on you.
What the hell? I'm not the angry, sit-on-people kind of fat guy. I'm the jolly, belly-like-a-bowl-full-of-jelly kind of fat guy.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
08/22/2011 09:54 PM
Aren't we all, brother, aren't we all?
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Funny
9 votes
3.7
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No less than 100zer of Straw 98,023 37
08/22/2011 10:01 PM
Sitting on someone and being angry are not mutually exclusive. You can sit on someone and be as jolly as you want to be. I mean, it is kind of hilarious when you think about it. You're sitting on someone! Merriment ensues!
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Bill the Squirrel 53,270 54
08/22/2011 10:02 PM
So if he stops being funny, you need to sit on him and sing Christmas Carols.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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Chris the Rock 249 8
08/24/2011 11:39 AM
Well, I'm happy to report that there is no sign of infection and things are healing nicely... Well, as nicely as a penis can heal, that is. At least it stopped hurting for the most part.
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Funny
6 votes
3.2
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CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
08/24/2011 02:03 PM
We really didn't need an update.
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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Drewcifer CDXX 46,366 58
08/24/2011 02:08 PM
That was rude.
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
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Drewcifer CDXX 46,366 58
08/24/2011 02:24 PM
Strike that above comment. I've been fighting this sinus infection and I'm on an odd combination of OTC drugs at the moment. For some reason, I thought I was on the World Wrestling Insanity message board.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
08/24/2011 02:46 PM
We really didn't need to hear your drug induced ramblings.
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Funny
13 votes
3.6
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Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
08/24/2011 02:58 PM
God help us all, but this thread reminded me of the following joke:
A guy picks up an old, cheap hooker and takes her back to a fleabag motel. As he starts having sex with her, he is feeling pain as he is sexxoring her up. He tells her he is going to have to stop because it hurts too much.
"Hold on a sec, hon, I'll be right back." She gets up and goes into the bathroom for five minutes. When she comes back, he starts again and finds no more pain. "What did you do, get some lube from your purse?" he asks.
"No, I scraped off the scabs."
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054208771
Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98 throws up all over her keyboard.
08/24/2011 03:33 PM
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054208772
CHIX ARE TWO THINS INVOLVE 286,647 61
08/24/2011 04:22 PM
We really don't need to hear about....
Wait, what am I saying? WEB CAM WOMAN!!!
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Chris the Rock 249 8
08/28/2011 03:34 PM
That scab joke... Ugh... Seriously sick to my stomach now. Good work!
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Mr. Mike 11,439 21
08/29/2011 03:24 PM
Yeah, I have a "friend" like that too. Do you also blame the cat?
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Pram 80,728 42
08/29/2011 05:11 PM
you see, my beloved cat sunk her claw into my flesh at such a place and angle that I fear I may now have a second hole through which to pee.
Pee what, blood?
All in all I made out alright.
EEEEEEEEEeeewww, you made out with your cat!
Must have had over a pint in my pants.
A pint of what, alcohol?
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