Airline companies want you to believe that they care about their passengers. As a result, many of them offer bereavement fares: discounts on airline tickets when a close relative dies or is seriously injured. But how far would they go with these fares?
I recently tested out the compassion levels of the three major airlines: United, Continental and Delta. I called each of them with a different death scenario, then rated them based on discount and level of compassion. Here are the results:
UNITED AIRLINES
(Situation: brother broke neck by jumping headfirst into a beanbag chair.)
HENRY HARVEY: Hello, how are you?
UNITED AIRLINES: Fine, sir.
HH: I'm wondering if you offer bereavement fares.
UA: Yes, we do.
HH: I need to go to Phoenix right away. My brother jumped headfirst into a beanbag chair and broke his neck.
(The assailant, or was it the assailed?)
UA: I'm sorry to hear that, sir.
HH: Would that kind of situation qualify?
UA: Oh yes, sir.
HH: How much is the discount?
UA: 10% off the usual fare.
HH: By the way, where are you calling from? We seem to have a bad connection.
UA: India, sir.
HH: Hmm. I thought Indians didn't like reservations. [Cracked up and had to hang up.]
Discount: 10% discount for spouse, domestic partner or immediate family.
Level of Compassion: Good, even for relatives of Darwin award candidates.
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES
(Situation: Batman tries to get a bereavement fare after Robin falls off the roof.)
HH: Hello. I'm wondering if you offer bereavement fares.
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES: Yes, we do.
HH: Well, I hope you can help me in my case. My ward has been severely injured. He fell off a building.
CA: I'm sorry to hear that.
HH: I want to make sure I can get the discount. I want to repeat -- he was my ward, not a family member or anything else.
CA: Let me check. [Hold music for 2:15]
CA: Hello, sir. Is he an adopted ward?
HH: Yes.
CA: That's fine, we just need some information including name of the bereaved.
HH: I'd rather not say right now. He's very well known. He's a famous crime fighter.
(How did they do those special effects?)
CA: Well that's fine sir, but we'll need that information to make the reservation. Where are you flying to?
HH: Gotham City.
CA: What state is that?
HH: North Carolina.
CA: I'm not seeing anything for Gotham.
HH: How about Charlotte?
CA: Okay. For the next flight, the discount would be $1,018 with the 20% discount.
HH: Hmm. Perhaps it would be better to drive. I have a very fast car.
Discount: 5%, 10%, or 20% depending on the price of the flight.
Compassion: Good. Includes a long list in the discount, but not that helpful to a caped crusader trying to find his way to his best buddy.
DELTA
(Situation: Extremely effeminate man tries to get a bereavement fare, after his gay lover dies of smoke inhalation when his marijuana farm burns down.)
HH: Hello?
DELTA AIRLINES: Hello.
HH: Hello?
DA: Yes ma'am. Can you hear me?
HH: [Lisping] It's not ma'am, it's sir.
DA: I'm sorry?
HH: I'm not a ma'am.
DA: Oh, I'm sorry.
HH: Do you have bereavement fares? My friend just died of smoke inhalation. His agricultural farm burned down out in Maui.
DA: Maui?
HH: Yes. Maui. Rhymes with Wowie.
DA: Okay. And when did you want to fly?
HH: As soon as possible. Now, I want to be sure I can qualify for the discount. This was my friend that died. I'm not related to him.
DA: Oh, I'm sorry. Only immediate relatives qualify for the discount.
HH: But he was my very special friend, if you know what I mean. Do you understand?
DA: Oh, well I understand, but he would have to be a relative.
HH: We spent many romantic nights together in Maui. We slept in the same bed.
DA: I'm sorry sir, we have our policy.
HH: Do you have any problem with gay men?
DA: No I don't, but we have our policy.
HH: Well! I'm going to find another airline, then. (Hangs up indignantly.)
Discount: 20%, including domestic partners, as clearly stated on their website (but not, apparently, in real life).
Compassion: Poor. And they have no gaydar whatsoever.
In conclusion: Although you can get a bereavement fare, it's offer better to check travel websites for cheap flights first. And then ask about bereavement fares.
Unless you never liked the person. Then it's better to take the bus.
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