It's not every day you get to try to cash a giant wacky sweepstakes check at a bank located inside a store [read Part One here].
EXPERIMENT #2: SUPERMARKET CHECK CASHING COUNTER
Before leaving the Stop & Shop where the Citizens Bank branch was located, I got into the customer service line where they sell cigarettes and lottery tickets -- and cash checks.
"Can you cash this for me, please?" I politely asked the heavyset woman behind the counter.
"I don't think so," she said, looking about wildly for the manager.
"Why not?" I asked. "I'm a Stop & Shop customer. Here's my card." I pulled out my plastic card, like a cop pulling out his badge, just to show her who was in charge.
"I can cash a check for seventy-five dollars, but not one that size, because it won't fit in the drawer."
"Okay," I said, unaware that "checks must fit in drawer" was a financial regulation. "What if I fold it up so it's really small?"
"No, sir," she said.
"HEY!" yelled a guy in line behind me. "SOME OF US HAVE THINGS TO DO!" He looked like maybe he had had some things to drink that morning.
The customer service rep looked nervously at the man, then at my check. Then she pretended to take a phone call.
"YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE!" he shouted. "WE ARE TRYING TO TRANSACT BUSINESS!"
"Excuse me, sir," I responded, walking up to him, "I was not aware that buying lottery tickets was considered 'business.'"
And then I walked out of the store, with my giant sweepstakes check -- and my dignity -- held high.
EXPERIMENT #3: SEEDY CHECK CASHING PLACE
Next, I tried what I thought would be my best chance: a check cashing place in the seedy part of town. It was called ALL CHECKS CASHED, so they either had to cash my check or I could sue them for false advertising.
I approached the young Latin girls behind the always-welcoming bulletproof glass, and asked them to cash my check.
"It's too big," one of them said. It had been a long time since I'd heard that from a woman (just once, from an intoxicated circus dwarf that I met at a Halloween party), but I liked it.
"It's only $75.00," I responded.
"It's too big to scan," she said, bringing me back to earth.
"You have to scan it?" I asked. "Can't you just caShakespeare?"
"Too big," she repeated.
"It's not too big," I said, trying to fit it through the little slot at the bottom of her window. You know what? She was right. It was too big.
EXPERIMENT #4: ACTUAL BANK
I decided to give it one more try at my own bank, Watertown Savings.
I walked in and saw my favorite teller. "Good morning, Kelly," I greeted her cheerfully.
"What the heck is that?" she asked.
"My sweepstakes check," I responded casually. "Can you caShakespeare?"
"No" she said flatly.
"Why not?"
"I don't have any money that big to pay you with," she said, like a seasoned sitcom star.
She had me there. If there's anything that I learned from years of watching Bugs Bunny, it's that Cartoon Logic can only be fought with stronger Cartoon Logic. So I admitted defeat, pulled the original smaller check from my pocket, and deposited it.
I just hope it doesn't bounce.
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