The Furry Experiment, Part 3 A comedy article
by Mark Hill 2,105 7 09/04/2011 11:11 PM 3739 views
I was learning about furries by becoming one of them (read Part One here).
Heavy Petting
My time among the furries showed me there's more to them than sex. But we can't ignore the hot, sexy elephant in the room -- a survey found that 79% of furries had a "minor" or "significant sexual interest in furry."
The hot, sexy elephant.
Boning is at least a partial motivator for a good chunk of the world's furries. For my investigation to be complete, I had to enter the world of furry sex. Or "yiffing," as you'd call it, if you wanted to make it clear that you're a colossal pervert.
If you're like me, you've stumbled across pictures of people in fursuits getting it on during otherwise innocent Google searches. I decided to take a look at what a furry would have to go through to get a naughty costume, because nothing says erotic like making love in a sweltering hot fursuit with limited mobility while looking into your partner's giant, unblinking cartoon eyes.
For starters, you have to fork over some rather personal measurements:
You know what they say about guys with big tails.
And the monetary cost rivals the price your dignity paid when you measured your taint. A pair of furry sex boxers alone are 100 bucks, while full suits are priced up to 2300 dollars. And what does all that money get you? A fox costume with a hole for your dick.
Money well spent.
Jesus Christ, who can spare 2300 bucks for a furry Frost suit? Lawyers? Investment bankers?
"I'd recommend investing in a diversified portfolio, featuring a mix of high risk/high reward stocks and slow but stable government bonds. Now I'm going to start howling while I sodomize you."
If any of you have more disposable income than brain cells and are thinking about making a purchase, but aren't certain if these fursuits will provide the exciting sex you crave, don't worry -- there's a demonstrational video! Fair warning, though: watching it will cause you to spew fluids you didn't know your body contained. Luckily, there are also pictures!
If you want to see the uncensored version it's been conveniently scarred into my retinas.
There had to be more to furry sex than two thousand dollar glory holes and dragon boners. So I entered an adults-only furry forum in search of something normal, evidence that furries were capable of discussing sex like regular human beings. It seemed like a reasonable goal, and I was confident that--
Ah! What the Frost is that?
That is a sex toy based on the genitals of a dragon, because if there's one way the rich mythology of dragons needed improvement, it was someone deciding what their erections looked like. And that's the problem you encounter when you discuss sex with furries -- for every question like "How can my partner and I spice up our romance?" you get another along the lines of "How can I best simulate a griffin's vagina?" Children who believe babies are made via stork delivery have a better understanding of sex than some of these people.
My time in the furry red light district made something very clear to me: furry sex is as about as erotic as a concentration camp. Of course, what goes on in a bedroom between two consenting adults wearing wolf costumes and wielding dildos big enough to beat a man to death is none of my business. I'm just saying you don't have to tell the Internet about it.
Conclusion
AHHH! THERE IS NO GOD!
Sorry, that was me transcribing my reaction to all the furry sex I encountered. A man can only look at so many anthropomorphized camel vaginas before he contemplates suicide. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right.
AHHH! AHHHHHH!
I tried to be open minded, but let's face it: furries are messed up. While most of them are nice, normal people, you never know when one will shift from talking about how they like tennis to how they like taking it up the ass from dudes in dinosaur costumes. I tried to join the furry world, but I can't be part of a community where the topic of suited sodomy is as likely to come up as the weather.
But I fear I may still be letting my biases get the better of me. After all, I did succeed in my original mission: I found furries who were interested in something other than sex. Unfortunately, I also stumbled across something even worse:
But to be fair, that's probably just an isolated ca--
Okay, so there are actually quite a lot of Nazi furries. But at least they're not having se--
Alright, that's it. I quit. I quit the Internet. Razor Justice out.
For a website that claims to be "The #1 site for pranks, stunts, and comedy experiments", they sure have lax standards. This "experiment" made me yawn.
Hey, Cletus, what ya gonna post about today?
Gee, Zeke, let me think... ummmm... *half a brain cell fires* No, that won't work... *a quarter of a brain cell fires* Nope, that won't work, either. I guess I'll pick a fandom and pretend my three-page 'joke' has a single drop of originality in it. Let's go with furries- it's not like it hasn't already been done by TV networks, magazines, or anyone the Internet before.
On page one, I'll grab some 'incriminating' photos (and forget that some of them may be copyrighted- lawsuits are fun!) and snark about the rise of anime. I mean furry. Yeah, furry.
On page two, I'll pick the most blatantly visible aspect of steampunk- I mean furry- the costumes, and snark about them too and how much money people spend on their hobbies. I mean, it's not like I've never spent money on a hobby before. Obviously not, judging by the photo I'm going to post. Then I'll infiltrate an online forum and pretend I'm clever for fooling everyone.
On page three, once I've made a few of those Star Trek geeks- I mean Star Wars nerds- I MEAN FURRY FREAKS, REALLY- think I'm nice, I know what I'll do! I'll go all Rule 34 on 'em! Yeah, that'll prove my point! Yeah!
Then why not just Frost off somewhere else then? Somewhere that appreciates piss poor spelling and grammar. You have no right to comment on anything with literacy like that, Frostwit.ng with literacy like that, Frostwit.
Jeeni, you miss my point (although I appreciate your clarity and courtesy). My point is that Mark Hill's articles, as far as I can tell, are all derivations of this same formula. 1: Find a group to mock. 2: Find the freaky fringe. 3: Write multiple pages mocking the freakshow.
It's been done. Repeatedly. By people with a much larger budget. It's about as fresh and original as 'why did the chicken cross the road?'. Please get some new material, Mark.
I will consider your advice to write some articles here, although I'm not sure what I would write. I'm no Luke McKinney, whose articles have from time to time caused me to literally laugh myself out of my chair. ("The Chicken Wing Suicides Experiment" is one of my favorites.) Still, I'll think on it. Thanks for the invite.
With all due respect, Daniel Svoboda, hitting the freaky fringe element of the furries has to be one of the funniest double entendres on here in a while.
Chickens, you just made my night. That was totally not my intention, but unintentionally delivering a straight line is kind of a habit for me. (It's hard to translate that into a Zug-worthy article, though, more's the pity!) Ah, the perils of being the straight man in the comedy troupe!
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