The Viagra Spam Prank
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  128,751  73
09/15/2011 01:18 AM 8533 views
|
|
Recently, while cleaning another 10,000 Viagra online spams out of my inbox, I began cursing the name of Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. Why don't they do something about all these Viagra spammers? I thought. Then I realized: why would Pfizer want to stop all the Viagra spam clogging our inboxes? It's free advertising. We might even put it into a formula:
The more I thought about it, the madder I got. Pfizer isn't sending the spam, of course, but they are profiting from it.
And then I had an idea: how would Pfizer react if they were spammed? Remembering that Pfizer is located just down the road in Cambridge, MA, I put together a team, and together we unleashed a torrent of spam on the makers of Viagra. And not email spam, but old-skool spam: thousands of paper flyers, attached to their car windshields. Here's what went down.
The Planning
Most Viagra spam I receive looks like it was written by a Chinese epileptic. Strange punctuation, broken English, and ridiculous euphemisms help their spam get around your email filters. "Feed your trouser snake to b00st its length N.O.W.!!" Either that, or one big creepy image:
My all-time favorite Viagra spam. "So if I take this drug, I may grow a sixth finger? SIGN ME UP, VAMPIRE PHARMACIST!"
We went the other direction, creating a flyer for a reputable business called "Ernie's House of Discount Viagra and Rotisserie Chicken."
But we didn't stop there. We also created a working phone number that allowed you to leave a message in several voicemail boxes. (If you're reading this after we've taken down the phone number, you can still hear the voicemail messages here: Main 1 2 3 4 5 6.)
Pressing "7" for complaints would take you to the Federal Trade Commission's complaint line, where we encouraged people to complain about unsolicited Viagra ads.
Pressing "8", though, was the kicker. We set up a lengthy series of hold messages, which kept the caller on the line for several frustrating minutes. When they were good and boiling, we then transferred them to the Pfizer main switchboard, where we instructed them to ask for Ian Read, Pfizer's CEO.
We made several thousand copies of the flyer, then headed over to Pfizer headquarters to pull off Operation Boner Spam.
The Prank
We arrived at Pfizer headquarters on a beautiful late summer afternoon, to treat them to a generous helping of the Viagra spam that we've enjoyed for years.
"Working together for a healthier world" sounds classier than "Working together to create more hard-ons."
We folded the flyers so "DISCOUNT VIAGRA" would be the first thing they saw.
Every vehicle got one.
Every vehicle.
Pfizer has a large campus with multiple buildings, so spamming this entire lot took nearly an hour, and there were still several more lots to go.
One of the first employees to discover the flyer. She read it intently for several minutes, because no one can resist delicious rotisserie chicken.
Every car in this massive lot received a flyer.
As well as this entire parking garage...
...all six floors.
We were spamming the final Pfizer lot, when a security guard finally took notice. He approached me, and I waved off the rest of the team, who quickly slipped away.
"Are you putting flyers on cars?" he asked me, a tall, imposing Latino.
"Yes," I replied.
"You can't do that," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said, which is always a good response in these situations.
"I have to escort you off the property."
I was relieved he wasn't going to make me remove all the flyers. We chatted a bit as he walked me off the premises. He was a nice guy, and did not appear to have an erection. This surprised me, as I expected all Pfizer employees to walk around with cold bratwurst in their pants.
Pfizer employee benefit package.
Back at the subway, the team exchanged high-fives. Our spam campaign was a success, with over 2,500 flyers distributed on windshields. But how would Pfizer employees react? Would they be as annoyed by Viagra spam as the rest of us?
Please continue to Part 2: The Hard Truth!
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
21 votes
4.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210826
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210827
A Piemaster is forever. 12,538  15
09/15/2011 04:56 AM
I'm relieved this wasn't about me.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210828
Mr. Mike 11,439 21
09/15/2011 05:09 AM
We'd have to give a Shakespeare first!
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
3 votes
1.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210829
Sprog 9,049 12
09/15/2011 07:56 AM
Awesome, looking forward to part 2.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210830
Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
09/15/2011 08:31 AM
I think physical Spam should have a different name. Pram? Blam? Scram?
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
7 votes
3.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210831
Sprog 9,049 12
09/15/2011 08:50 AM
Spram.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
9 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210833
Hurricane Ravos 63,472 21
09/15/2011 09:17 AM
These are the kind of pranks that brought me here in the first place, John. I am happy to see this kind of prank istead of Luke McKinney's copy pasta on pranks other people have pulled.
Love it, can't wait for part two.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210837
Sprog 9,049 12
09/15/2011 09:28 AM
Well said. Finally, an actual prank!
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
7 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210839
Midgets® 96,156 48
09/15/2011 09:53 AM
Love it, John. I want to have your babies again.
However, does a man who's purchased and consumed half the Viagra ever produced have the right to complain about Spam?
Don't they have a wing named after you? At least a cafeteria?
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210843
Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
09/15/2011 10:34 AM
Sweet.
FYI, audio link 5 and 6 both go to audio file 5.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210893
Jeeni is ready for Halloweeni 47,815 51
09/15/2011 01:55 PM
Love it, John! Thanks as always for sharing your big & oh so juicy...
pranks!
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
2 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210909
Thud 68,525 19
09/15/2011 06:27 PM
Back to your roots, I see. Nice one.
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
2 votes
1.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054210948
Johnny Plankton 4,102 27
09/15/2011 11:57 PM
"I expected all Pfizer employees to walk around with cold bratwurst in their pants."
From what I understand, each Cialis employee has two tubs instead of one desk, and they do nothing but drink wine and look at their boners all day.
|
|
|
|
Store
