Many companies are friendly rivals: Coke and Pepsi, Energizer and Duracell, Apple and everybody else building anything with a circuit board. But, how friendly is the rivalry? To find out, we called a few tech support companies about their competitor's product, to see how they'd respond. The results are a little surprising.
Microsoft: My Mac Is Broken!
First up, we called Microsoft's tech support line to complain about our Mac. It took a little doing to find a phone number: Microsoft's support page isn't exactly what you call simple. But we finally got somebody on the line.
Microsoft: Hello, this is James. I understand you're having some trouble?
ZUG: Hi, yeah. I turn on my Mac and I keep getting some error. Error ... um ... 100.
Microsoft: Does this happen when you open a Microsoft product, or just in general?
ZUG: No, I don't own any Microsoft products. Just in general.
Microsoft: (Sudden, muffled laughter) OK, sir, well, error 100 is pretty common. Do you have the App Store open?
ZUG: Yep. I was trying to get Angry Birds.
Microsoft: Yeah, that's a fun game. What it is, is that Apple has a new Terms of Service in iTunes to agree to.
ZUG: Again?
Microsoft: (More muffled laughter) Yes, sir, again. If you just open iTunes and click agree in the popup, that should solve the problem.
ZUG: Will you wait while I try it?
Microsoft: Sure!
(We do what he says)
ZUG: It worked!
Microsoft: It's a pretty common problem.
ZUG: Thanks a lot!
Microsoft: You're welcome, and thanks for calling.
Microsoft not only had a sense of humor, but they actually solved the problem.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DICKINESS: 2
Apple: My PC Has Crashed!
So, how about Apple? Would they return the favor?
Apple Customer Service: Hi, I'm Anthony. How can I assist you today?
ZUG: Hi, I'm having an issue with my computer. The screen keeps turning blue.
Apple: Do you mean it's just a solid wall of blue, or there's a bluish tint or...
ZUG: No, the screen goes blue and it says ... hold on ... An error has occurred, blah blah blah ... here it is: Error Zero E, Zero One Six F, BFF Nine B Three D Four.
Apple: Ummmm, sir, are you using a Mac?
ZUG: No, I've got a Dell.
Apple: Oh, OK, that explains a lot. (Wee bit of sarcasm.) Just hit Control-Alt-Delete, sir, and it'll reset.
ZUG: Will it save first?
Apple: No, sir, I'm sorry, it won't.
ZUG: Is there any way I can save?
Apple: No, sir, what you're looking at is called The Blue Screen of Death, and it means your computer needs to be rebooted.
ZUG: Because I just finished my term paper...
Apple: Oh, ow. Sorry. It's probably gone. It might have autosaved before your computer crashed, though.
ZUG: Augh! OK, thank you. Maybe I should take my friend's advice and install Unix.
Apple: I'd try that out before you commit to it, sir. Have a nice day!
ZUG: Thanks, you too.
So, Apple customer service is about what you'd expect. Helpful, but maybe a wee bit snide.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DICKINESS: 3
Sony: My Xbox Won't Work!
Finally, we went deep into the console wars: how would Playstation customer support feel about supporting their arch-rival, the Xbox?
PlayStation: Hello, I'm Kirk and I understand you have a technical issue?
ZUG: Hi, yes, I'm looking at my console and I'm seeing three red lights with a flashing fourth one?
PlayStation: Oh, you're an Xbox user. Yeah, your system is toast.
ZUG: But isn't it just...?
PlayStation: Nope, it's bricked. That's an Xbox error code, it means that your system has internal problems. You'll have to call Microsoft and send it in.
ZUG: So where do we send it to you?
PlayStation: No, sir, you send it to Microsoft. We support the PlayStation3 and PSP. Although I'd certainly encourage you to switch.
ZUG: But didn't you guys have a network problem for, like, a month? I heard something about that on the news.
PlayStation: We did, sir. But unlike Microsoft, we actually fixed it.
ZUG: This has been happening for a while?
PlayStation: Dude, do you know how many calls I get like this? At least two or three a freaking month. We used to get, like, hundreds. Microsoft build a whole bunch of lemons and they won't just recall them.
ZUG: So this will happen again?
PlayStation: Probably, like, three times. My roommate has had to send his in twice. I'm serious about switching, sir, we offer the same services like Netflix, and...
ZUG: I'll think about it. Thanks!
PlayStation: You're welcome and have a nice day.
The Sony rep was polite, but still kind of a jerk. Points for believing in the product enough to try to convince us to switch.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DICKINESS: 6
Xbox: My Playstation Won't Work!
How would Xbox fare in comparison? We had to press zero four times to get a person ... and then the fun really started.
Xbox: Hi, this is Robert, how can I help you?
ZUG: Hi, my Playstation controller won't work.
Xbox: (Five seconds of silence) Just to confirm, you said Playstation, right?
ZUG: Right.
Xbox: You are aware we're a completely different company, right?
ZUG: Well, the games are all the same so I figured...
Xbox: Uhhhh, yeah. We're not the same. You need to call their support number.
ZUG: Do you know what that is?
Xbox: (Beat) 1-800-867-5309.
ZUG: That sounds familiar.
Xbox: Oh, they've had it on TV a lot, since their network went down. It's their main support number.
ZUG: Thanks!
Yes, the Xbox guys really did give us the number for Jenny. And for that one move, we will award them the coveted Crown of Dicks.
CUSTOMER SERVICE DICKINESS: 10
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