The Viagra Spam Prank, Part 2 A comedy article
by John Hargrave 128,751 73 09/29/2011 12:05 AM 4919 views
I get so much Viagra online spam that I thought the time had come to do something about it. So we recently spammed Viagra headquarters with a ridiculous ad for a fake Viagra and chicken restaurant. [Read Part 1 here.]
But the best voicemail was from the Pfizer building management (whose name came up on the Caller ID). You can only hear a fragment of the conversation before they hung up: "I don't know, but they covered the whole parking lot."
We now knew how Pfizer security and Pfizer building management felt about spamming, but we couldn't stop there. We had to go straight to the top: Pfizer CEO Ian Read.
Sadly, Pfizer still hasn't invented a drug to fight combover.
Spamming Pfizer by Phone
My first call to Pfizer was straightforward: I called in character as Ernie, from Ernie's House of Discount Viagra and Rotisserie Chicken, and asked to speak with Ian Read.
The switchboard operator said there was no answer at his desk. That's troubling, when the CEO of a $67 billion company isn't around. Ernie asked for his secretary, or maybe the person who sat the next cubicle over from the secretary. No dice.
It took many additional calls before Ernie finally convinced another switchboard operator that he was, in fact, Ian's close personal friend. This time Ernie got put through to Ian's receptionist.
"May I ask who's calling?" she asked.
"This is Ernie."
"Ernie ... last name?"
"Ernie, uh, Ernie Ernieson," stammered Ernie, showing off his mad improv skillz. "Listen. See if Ian is interested in our 20x20 special. It's 20 tablets of Viagra and a 20-piece family meal."
She hung up.
After a while, all the Pfizer operators would answer the phone, then just put Ernie on hold indefinitely. So Ernie started putting them on hold, then using the conference call function on his Android to call them again and again, tying up their switchboard.
Soon, Ernie was dialing remote Pfizer offices from around the country, asking them to transfer him to Ian Read. Ernie finally got a Pfizer employee in Connecticut to unwittingly dial him in to Ian Read's direct line. From there, he was promptly transferred to the head of Pfizer Global Security.
"Put me through to Ian Read!" Ernie demanded of the head security officer.
"How did you get his direct line?" he asked. "And what's your name, sir?"
"My name's ERNIE!"
"Your last name?"
"What's YOUR last name?!" screamed Ernie. Clearly the worst Viagra salesman ever. No customer skills.
"I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you," quipped the head of Pfizer Global Security. "Please call back."
"HEY!" Ernie barked, as he hung up. "WHO ARE YOU!?"
But it turns out, he didn't hang up. He actually transferred the call to the local police.
Yeah, Ernie had a tough time talking his way out of that one.
Conclusion
So, there's our answer: when the rest of us get spam, we have to eat it. When Pfizer gets Viagra spam, they call the cops.
They're the world's largest, most powerful pharmaceutical company. Fortunately, we're larger. If you want to complain about the amount of Viagra spam in your inbox, just call:
Ian Read
CEO, Pfizer
212-733-2323
ian.read@pfizer.com
Store
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