Vampire Chix with fangs 286,647 61
10/04/2011 02:38 PM

Dear Verizon,

I am so sick of you adding stuff to my bill every month in an attempt to wear me down so I just pay it I want to scream. However, I'm sure you would find a way to charge me data charges on my scream.

Frost you with an iphone sideways.

Love,

Chix

Straw consumed by the fires of hell 98,023 37
10/04/2011 02:44 PM

Dear Healthy Choice,

Do you hate me? Sorry, I made that seem personal. I should instead ask whether you hate people who are trying to lose or maintain their weight. I honestly don't have high expectations of frozen meals. I know that something high in convenience and low in price and calories, that taste is going to suffer. I know that. But you see, I've had frozen meals from similar brands - Smart Choice and Lean Cuisine. Some of their entrees are misses, but for the most part I don't dread lunch when I take one of their meals into work.

Healthy Choice is another story. I tried to like them, I really did. I picked up several promising varieties. But it was kind of like eating lunch with a Dementor. At best I felt mildly depressed. At worst I felt like my soul was being sucked out of my body.

I can only conclude that your goal is to make people hate eating. Want to lose weight? Try our meals and you will never want to put anything into your mouth ever again! If that is true, job well done!

Straw

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,048 22
10/04/2011 03:12 PM

Dear Hustler,

Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

BobJohnson

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
10/04/2011 03:20 PM

Dear Keebler,
Do you think it's safe to be baking inside of a wooden tree? It seems the potential for a fire is pretty high, though I can't seem to find the applicable occupancy code in my Universal Fire Code book. I must issue an immediate work stoppage until proper fire safety measures are instituted or the proper code can be found to allow for such a usage.

Bribes, as always, are always accepted.

Yours forever,
HM

Vampire Chix with fangs 286,647 61
10/04/2011 04:04 PM

Dear House of Jizz Sperm Bank,

Please stop calling. I don't care how much Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, and Tom Cruise keep begging. They cannot have my babies.

Sincerely finally,

Chix

Straw consumed by the fires of hell 98,023 37
10/04/2011 04:09 PM

Dear Sears,

I want congratulate you on your clever marketing strategy. As I was browsing through the outerwear featured on your website, I was surprised to see this little bit of nostalgia from your 1979 catalog. It brought back fond memories of how excited I would be to get the huge catalog in the mail, and how I would spend hours flipping through all the pictures. I often dog-eared pages of clothes or furniture that I would buy if I were an adult, and fantasize about someday wearing matching jackets with the man of my dreams.

Mistily yours,
Straw

Hydrant-monkey 9,888 23
10/04/2011 04:29 PM

My mom once found a Sears catalog in my room. But different pages were dogeared and for different reasons (I'm hoping).

It was rather awkward.

How does one get a job as a nipple airbrusher-outter? I have a good eye for finding them.

Midgets® 96,156 48
10/04/2011 04:40 PM

Dear Rent a Center,

Thank you for filling up my mailbox every day with your fliers, specials, and one time offers. If it weren't for you there might be some days where my walk to the mailbox turned up nothing, and I do so hate to waste a trip.

However I'm going to have to pass on your new or like new offerings. I prefer to only finance things that you can fit multiple people inside of (houses, cars, Latino prostitutes, etc).

If I really need a big screen tv, a PS3, or a couch I will withdrawal money from the bank to go buy it or deposit money into the bank untill I can afford it.
Besides, if I really want something that's overpriced, used, tacky, and has another mans ball sweat all over it I'm sure Chickens would be happy to have me.

Brubert 771 11
10/04/2011 06:12 PM

Dear Charmin,

Do bears really use toilet paper? What do they do with it after they use it in the woods?

With love,
Brubert

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
10/04/2011 06:21 PM

Dear Geico:

Whatever happened to the cavemen? the gecko?

Those commercials actually made me sto forwarding commercials on my DVR and watch them because they were entertaining. But this douchenozzle comaring how easy it is to switch to mundane things like nerds misusing smart phones, a pig squealing and old as Frost Charlie Daniels playing his fiddle are about as funny as Shakespeare-ing out a pinecone.

Please bring back the gecko or the cavemen or I'll be forced to consult Pedro Cerrano for my car insurance needs.

Sincerely,
Mr Mike

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
10/04/2011 06:26 PM

Dear Progressive Insurance,

Where is this Frost-ing store that Flo works in? I have looked all over the country but can't find it. I would like to go in during Flo's shift and stop her from talking. I have the perfect job for her rosy red lips.

Sincerely
Mr. Mike

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
10/04/2011 06:29 PM

Dear State Farm,

I have been a customer for several years and NOT ONCE has an agent appeared out of thin air and given me:

The hot neighbor
The hot tub
A hotter body
Bob Barker

Either you produce these things or my association with your company is over.

I also want it done right, I don't want Bob with a hot body trying to Frost the hot neighbor in my hot tub.

Sincerely,
Mr Mike

Mr. Mike 11,439 21
10/04/2011 06:36 PM

Dear: The General Car Insurance:



Sincerely,
Mr. Mike

Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/04/2011 07:42 PM

Dear New York Times,

Why do you mention in your story about the protestors at Wall Street that there is a topless woman naked Zuni Tikka but not print a picture of her? I had to get off the couch and leave my beer to go upstairs to my computer and google that.

She does sort of look like Joni Mitchell, though.

Midgets® 96,156 48
10/04/2011 07:44 PM

naked

Freudian slip much?

Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/04/2011 07:49 PM

What I buttocks buttocks buttocks nurse nurse buttocks massage to say was, Dear Naked York Times, Why don't you naked print more naked pictures of naked naked.

Buttocks.

The Tax Man Plays With Your Money 5,582 10
10/04/2011 08:54 PM

Dear Wallstreet Protesters,

Please have Zuni Holy-Frost-ing-God-PLEASE-Put-Your-Clothes-Back-On Whateverherlastnamewasicantbebotheredtoremembercauseshesfugly put her clothes back on, and have the chick in the red top take hers off. Then I might listen* to what you say.

Thanksyerapeach



*Okay, I might start listening after I wank a few times to red beater shirt chick. Or not. let's try it & find out, whaddya say?

Fratberry 283,052 53
10/04/2011 09:07 PM

Dear Hertz,

My other ride is your mom. How does that feel?

Sincerely,

Fratberry

Hertz 283,052 53
10/04/2011 09:09 PM

Dear Fratberry,

How do you think it feels?

Sincerely,

Hertz

Drewcifer ♠♠♠ 46,366 58
10/04/2011 09:10 PM

Dear "Mister" Mike,

Why don't you just shut the Frost up about everything that has to do with the auto insurance industry, and go back to driving your little bus thing there.

Sincerely,
(and by "sincerely", I mean "with a Frostin' tire iron aimed right at your Frostin' kneecap", "sincerely")

Louie Di'Euginio
President, Federated Auto Insurance Salesperson Union, AFL-CIO, Local #36

PS - We know where you duck out to smoke a doob after your morning run. You know, over by Maplewood? Yeah, the rose garden...have a nice day.

Fratberry 283,052 53
10/04/2011 09:10 PM

Dear Hertz,

Ask your mom.

Love always,

Fratberry

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,048 22
10/05/2011 01:27 AM

Dear Safeway,

I don't want to sound bigoted, but please only hire middle aged women from now on.

Today was your monthly 10% discount day, so I loaded up 2 carts with approximately $500 worth of groceries (far too much to use the self-checkout lines). Since this is the 1950s and the technology obviously doesn't exist to assign staggered discount days to different customers based on their club card number, I had to deal with massive queues of people nearly as cheap as me. The lineups at each till were probably 5 carts deep, which is why I was unable to see the cashier when I first entered the line.

"Oh, please don't let the cashier be a young girl," I prayed, "I don't want to be here all day." The line inched forward slowly enough that moving my carts forward didn't require enough attention to distract me from the fact that every other line was moving faster, but it was too late to switch. I was committed. I attempted to justify my decision: "OK, the line is moving at a teenage-cashier pace, but maybe it's not actually a teenage girl. Maybe the line is moving slowly because the first customer had a bunch of expired coupons for cliches or something. The line will speed up now."

And then I saw the cashier. It was worse than I could possibly imagine. It was a man. Have you ever seen how slow a man bags groceries? Don't get me wrong, men are great at lost of things, from being awesome, to writing hilarious posts, to managing middle aged women cashiers. But we are not qualified to be cashiers.

I am writing you in hopes that that you can prevent this horrible situation from happening to any of your other customers.

Sincerely,

BobJohnson

Mr. Mike Tricks your Treat! 11,439 21
10/05/2011 05:45 AM

Dear Louie,

Just because your name suggests mob ties, doesn't mean I am worried or afraid of you. The car insurance people can lick my ass hairs. How did you like that guido? I don't need your criminal bastard companies. I'll drive without insurance, I really will. Take that you greaseball bitch!

Hey Louie, I got a joke for you...

Whatta ya call an Italian with a yeast infection...

A Whopper with cheese!

ZING! Take that one you spaghetti eating prick!

As for the rose garden, I don't care for the ghetto's of Rochester. I also don't care for doobs. But your mom sure likes my doob!

(not so) Sincerely,
Mr. Mike

Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/05/2011 09:44 AM

Dear Media Shower, Inc.,

How come I frequently have to wait for links to other sites (Google Analytics, Pubads something or other) to load before I get to see all of the funny comments?

I am seriously considering cancelling my subscription and asking for a refund.

Since early,
Dogs Akimbo

Fratberry 283,052 53
10/05/2011 09:53 AM

Dear Hooters,

Please stop allowing Bob Johnson to visit your restaurant with a shopping cart.

Sincerely,

Fratberry

handsomerandall 1,188 8
10/05/2011 07:03 PM

Dear Auto Insurance Emersons (namely Louie),

You are as useful and intelligent as Hank Williams Jr. If you were drowning, I'd be kind enough not to rescue, but to offer you a glass of water.

So, when you are done fist frosting the general public with your higher than Cheech and Chong rates, and snorting cocaine off an obese strippers navel, please run onto the nearest train track, and act as a derailer.

Sincerely,
Me,
The president of Let's banish the insurance companies movement of America.

handsomerandall 1,188 8
10/05/2011 07:11 PM

Dear Myspace, Facebook, and Yahoo!

I would like to thank you for making changes to your websites that make them move slower.

I enjoy that fact that checking my email has gone from taking mere minutes to taking almost an hour. I also enjoy the fact that the new Yahoo! email will also cause the internet connection to freeze up. I enjoy wasting my time, and I'm glad to waste it on Yahoo!'s new and less improved email system.

As for Myspace, I haven't forgotten about you (though by the looks of it, the rest of the world has). Great idea changing over to a beta system that your users did not want, and not letting them switch back. Your popularity is falling faster than Hank Williams Jr's career.

Facebook. I'll steal a line from Bill Maher. The next time that Facebook forces a change to the website, it should change its name to Frostface. I don't care for the scroll, and makes the site look like it was started by an entry level college student.

sincerely,

Me.

PS
I'm not in a bad mood, just that the high of watching the Red Chokes miss the play offs is begining to wane.

Straw consumed by the fires of hell 98,023 37
10/06/2011 12:11 AM

Dear local farmer,

I was disappointed last week when I ordered some zucchini and one of them ended up getting mold all over it. But it was all worth it, when I received the following e-mail from you tonight: "I have sent a package to the Chesterfield Drop to replace your zucchini and a added bonus too supplement the trip."

I've always wanted to know what it was like to run a sex shop that's a front for the mob, and now I have an inkling.

Straw

John Hargrave 128,751 73
10/06/2011 10:22 PM

Dear United States Forest Service:

If you're trying to prevent people from causing forest fires, don't you think you want to name your mascot something besides SMOKEY the Bear? Why would you name him after the very thing you're trying to avoid?!

I picture a bear lighting doobies in the forest, or possibly a crazed ursine pyro. The only worse name I could think of would be "Singey," or maybe "Inferno."

Get it together, Emersons.

Where there's Smokey, there's fire,
John

Manhole 21,658 29
10/06/2011 11:59 PM

Dear Dollar Rent a car,

When I book a "Midsize SUV" on your website, that doesn't mean I want a Chevy Avero.

Seriously,

MAnhole

Piemaster - Yes, Hell Yes! 12,538 15
10/07/2011 01:16 AM

Dear dirty New York hippies,

You're all under arrest.

Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/07/2011 01:50 AM

You're all under arrest

23 Arrested Wednesday


You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Piemaster - Yes, Hell Yes! 12,538 15
10/07/2011 05:03 AM

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I think I do. And by "under arrest" I mean, "going to have awesome secks".

And by "going to have awesome secks", I mean "peppersprayed and handcuffed. If you lay on the ground, with your hands out to your sides, palms up, we will only beat you a little and place our knee heavily onto the back of your neck, causing your nose to fracture, spilling blood on our nice, clean, conservative streets."


hippie.

Mr. Mike Tricks your Treat! 11,439 21
10/07/2011 02:02 PM

Dear AT&T,

What's with the commercial with the husband trying to save some money by signing up his whole family for unlimited minutes?

Why is the wife such an ungrateful Carrollrag? I'm sure he knows that her mother never approved of him because he's a dork thats how parents are.

And why the holy Frost would she be so worried about money. She has a god damn greenhouse! How many people have a greenhouse AND have to worry about money? She's got like a thousand plants in there.

And maybe if she wasn't blowing John Clark so much spent less time with those plants, he may prove that even a dork can rock your world!

Sincerely,
Mr Mike

Drewcifer ♠♠♠ 46,366 58
10/07/2011 02:23 PM

Dear Straw,

You said "insert". Heh.

Yours,

Drewcifer