The Thermite BBQ Experiment A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 36,184 48 10/06/2011 12:51 AM 5284 views
I like to ask questions, profound questions that ultimately result in something exploding or catching on fire. Recently, I was impatiently grilling some meat, and pondering if there was a way to barbeque things more quickly.
I figured that to cook something faster, I simply needed to use a higher temperature. I spent the next few days searching the Internet until I found the perfect substance: it burns at incredibly hot temperatures (anywhere from 2500 to 5000 degrees Fahrenheit), it's easy for a mad scientist to make at home, and just the sound of its name made my wife nervous.
Thermite.
After my research confirmed that thermite was legal to make and use, I giddily ordered the chemical components and began the preparations for a Thermite Barbeque. Get out the sauce and the asbestos apron!
The Planning
The balanced chemical equation for Thermite is Fe2O3 + 2Al = AwEsOmE3. While I waited for my chemicals to arrive, I read everything I could find about how to avoid blowing myself up.
Invented by German chemist Hans Goldschmidt, thermite is a pyrotechnic combination of a metal oxide (the "fuel") and a metal oxide (to oxidize the fuel). Because it burns at such high temperatures, it is sometimes used for welding, or for destroying military weapons. You cannot view it with your bare eyeholes; you need some kind of protection, like a welder's mask, or a facial condom.
I had to wait twelve days, and only later did I find out what had taken so long. Apparently, these substances are not allowed on board aircraft, so they had to be shipped across the country on a truck.
Excellent.
At first, I planned to simply cover the meats with the thermite, but that would burn everything to a crisp. So I devised a way to hold the meats over the thermitic reaction by skewering the meats, which also let me use the word "skewer."
Skewer? I hardly know 'er!
I needed a place to perform the experiment that wouldn't catch fire (unlike that one time), where the flame would also be hidden from unsuspecting eyes. I didn't want to blind anyone with this experiment, unless it was with the whiteness of my butt.
For my own safety, I would wear a pair of Old Man Sunglasses, and move to a location shielded from the intense light. Sadly, that meant I would have to wait to see the barbecue on video, just like everyone else.
The Preparation
The first thing I had to do was mix the components in the proper ratio. I got a pound of the red stuff, mixed it with the proper amount of the white stuff, resulting in sweet, delicious thermite.
Red stuff
White stuff
Sweet, delicious thermite (WARNING: do not smoke while stirring)
To keep it from burning a hole through the core of the earth and blowing up the planet, I placed a cast-iron grate into the middle of the fire pit, and then found a couple of old bed rails to hold the meats. (My lab equipment has really gone downhill since NASA cut my grant money.)
I don't want to think of where those bed rails have been
Like a groundskeeper trying to smoke out a pesky gopher, I stuck the fuse down into one of the holes of the iron grate, then piled the thermite around it to help keep it vertical. The fuse would drop globs of superheated metal into the thermite, starting a chain reaction ... and dinner.
Lastly, I skewered each piece of each type of meat, pausing only to wince at the bratwurst. It was time to burn our way to the truth.
Grilling in hell.
The Experiment
I lit the fuse and ran far away.
The instant that molten metal hit the thermite, the reaction began. Hot balls of liquid iron popped off in every direction, as the oxygen combined with the aluminum, releasing a vast amount of heat, light, and delicious aromas. The cast-iron grate cracked in two at the sudden temperature change, but was then welded back together as the heat intensified.
The wooden skewers caught fire and collapsed into the giant sparkler meltdown. By this point, the grate was so hot that it instantly blackened the wieners.
Fallen wieners
The reaction stopped almost as quickly as it had started, leaving a pool of molten iron. I was in awe of the power that three simple metals and a little heat could unleash, and also how good it smelled.
The Results
The meats, however, did not live up my expectations: they were half-cooked at best. Sadly, the iron cooled too fast to really get the job done, so I was left with a half-cooked smorgasbord of meats covered in metal dust.
The bratwurst.
The chicken.
The wiener.
The pork ribs.
*Steak not shown due to striking resemblance to female anatomy
This experiment has led me to the conclusion that while thermite may be the most awesome thing to burn in the world, it is not effective as a grilling fuel. Its super hotness seems to be confined to a small area, like Kim Kardashian's vagina, and it just doesn't burn long enough to get the job done.
My dogs really love failed experiments.
Perhaps next time, I will encase the meats in a metal box covered in thermite, or use it as a dry rub. But truthfully, I think I should try something completely different.
Your name is an anagram for Red RC Wife, so I guess that means you have a native american life partner that you can operate from the comfort of your chair.
Upon opening this thread, I got no further than Brad's new Mission Statement (Brad Poynter - Blowing Shakespeare Up) before realizing, I wish I could give about 14 orbs at a time.
I would like to take a moment to ease some fears and answers some questions.
He Who Clucks: I am truely sorry for the Rosie pop-ups. I had once ordered those in the target variety and apparently adsense is more big brother than I thought.
Oh Tiny one: Thermite is not a regulated substance in the U.S.A. (yet) and so I have no fear of the justice system locking me away just in case I might do something. We still have some liberty.
Suck It, Vishnu: That is a brilliant idea! That's the joke.
Creamy: It would if it had been skewered over the thermite. (not a euphimism)
Beary Crocker: While cake is my favorite, I do prefer chocolate.
Dr. Manholenstein: I am on to you and now I see that you are on to me. SS 12 will not be allowed to fulfill the mayan prophecies on my watch! Be warned.
Big Dog and Banana: Big thanks to John for the graphic! I think it captures the true feelings of determination and intensity that I have shown in making a complete ass out myself for comedic science.
Store
36,184 
48 
11,439 
21
