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I believe I've alluded before to the fact that I don't half-ass my adventures or my epic failures. Saturday night was no exception.
I had to get myself dolled up in order to take a picture for an online interview. This was around 6pm Saturday evening and I decided I couldn't let ::gestures to entire self:: ALL OF THIS go to waste.
I drove downtown to hang out with my friend Mike and his entourage for the evening. The first place we went served cake and wine, and had a tame bunny rabbit that roamed the outdoor patio.
Most adorable harbinger of doom EVAR!
WARNING: If your evening starts out as incredible as to include cake, wine AND friendly bunny rabbits that allow you to pet them, you need to call it an early evening because it can only go downhill from there.
We decided since the evening was going SO WELL that we would leave and go bar-hopping a bit. At the third bar, I ordered drinks for Mike and myself and realized too late that my debit card was not in my wallet.
Not to worry. I must have left it at the previous bar. We jumped into the car and drove back to the other bar. Mike was tired and fairly drunk, so I left him in the car and went inside.
I explained to the bartender that I thought I'd left my card. He said he hadn't seen one but helped me look anyway. We looked EVERYWHERE and it was nowhere to be found. I started to get that sinking feeling in my stomach that you get when you realize you've screwed up and it's going to be a pain in the ass. So I thanked him and went back out to the car.
When I got in, I asked Mike for the keys so we could go home. He looked at me like I was nuts and said "I don't have your keys."
I checked my pockets, the console, my purse...NO KEYS. What the hell?? We had DRIVEN there and the car was unlocked. WHERE THE HELL WERE MY KEYS??
We ended up tearing my car apart looking for them.
(Y'all, I didn't even LOOK at my car yesterday because I knew it was going to be a disaster and I wasn't equipped to deal with THAT on top of the wine headache. But let me assure you that when I got in the car to go to work this morning, it looked like I had been robbed.)
We dumped EVERYTHING out on the seats and the floor attempting to find the keys that HAD TO BE THERE. I cursed every gremlin, imp, fairy, elf, sprite and voodoo spirit I could think of that could POSSIBLY be responsible for poofing them away into thin air.
Finally, I decided to go back into the bar to see if I'd set them down inside while looking for my debit card. Mike continued to go through the car while I was gone. The bar staff were busy cleaning up in order to close. No one had seen my keys. Defeated, I decided to take advantage of the ladies room before they locked us out.
That was when I dropped my iPhone into the toilet.
My phone...my link to the world and the one thing that I carry with me EVERYWHERE...including my wallet case containing my ID and remaining credit card, sunk to the bottom of the toilet bowl like a stone. Without any hesitation, I reached in and yanked it out, cursing like a sailor. I grabbed some paper towels and dried it off the best I could. That was when I noticed that my debit card was simply in the wrong pocket of my wallet case.
REALLY??!
I went back outside where Mike had given up trying to find the keys and was sitting in a pile of receipts, papers, empty water bottles, multiple lip glosses, allergy medicine and various other miscellania. I slumped down into the driver's seat and dejectedly said, "I just dropped my phone in the toilet."
"Oh, you've got to be kidding. Does it still work??"
It still worked in that I could open it and use it, but when I dialed my husband to ask him to come get us (since we still couldn't find my keys), the ear microphone was completely dead.
Also, Mike does not have a cell phone.
I ended up borrowing a phone from one of the bartenders who happened to be standing in the parking lot and called my husband back. At this point, I felt like such a complete and utter failure that I had managed to not only overlook the fact that I simply put my debit card in the wrong pocket, but I had somehow lost the keys to an unlocked car and possibly killed my iPhone in the process. My husband packed up our 3-year-old son in the car to come rescue us, saying we could go back and get my car in the morning.
I thanked the bartender, went back to the car and plopped down in the driver's seat. Mike was engaged in a perpetual facepalm in the passenger seat.
I happened to glance out the windshield and there were my keys, sitting on top of the wiper blade.
::drops microphone and walks off-stage, hands in the air::
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
27 votes
4.3
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Funny
9 votes
3.7
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KatDawg 10,055  11
10/17/2011 11:48 AM
Next time you should let Mike drive. Doesn't he have a school bus?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Pram 80,728 42
10/17/2011 11:58 AM
::gestures to entire self::
That's a lot of SELF! (I'm not calling you fat, just sayin' you're a great person)
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213315
Midgets® 96,156 48
10/17/2011 11:59 AM
At least you didn't run over the rabbit.
You didn't, did you?
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213316
Elron_Hubbard 2,733 8
10/17/2011 12:00 PM
Nice camera. You shoot for magazines, don't you?
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
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Fratberry 283,052 53
10/17/2011 12:00 PM
Lush.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
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Elron_Hubbard 2,733 8 Actually reads story
10/17/2011 12:02 PM
Ah, well, glad your camera still works at all!
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213319
Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
10/17/2011 12:07 PM
Yeah, I know...TL;DR.
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.3
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Brad Poynter 36,184 48
10/17/2011 12:07 PM
Let me get this straight. Your husband, who was at home taking care of your child while you went out drinking with another man, actually came to the rescue of you both after you did everything possible to sabotage any hopes of you making it home yourself? Interesting.
When you were looking for your keys did you happen to find his balls anywhere? I am sure he is missing them dearly.
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Funny
10 votes
3.4
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Invisible Ravos 63,472 21
10/17/2011 12:28 PM
She keeps them on the rear view mirror, right next to her newly acquired lucky rabbit's foot.
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213324
turtle - scared shell-less 42,578 26
10/17/2011 01:24 PM
Well, they were hanging from the mirror, but she looked up yesterday and saw that they were missing. So she tore apart her husband's belongings looking for them, only to find them in the freezer when she went to get a popsicle.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213327
Jeeni is ready for Halloweeni 47,815 51
10/17/2011 02:14 PM
I dropped my phone in the toilet once. There's actually a benefit to doing that. Nobody wanted to borrow it after I told them.
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Funny
7 votes
3.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213332
Vampire Chix 286,647 61
10/17/2011 03:57 PM
I fully intended to write a counter article from the viewpoint of a practical joking bartender who first borrowed your stuff then returned it after much hilarity ensued but my dang customers just kept calling in and eating up my afternoon.
Work so gets in the way of fun.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.2
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π master 12,538 15
10/17/2011 07:13 PM
This is the best "I lost something, then I found it" story ever!
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Hilarious
7 votes
4.7
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Thud 68,525 19
10/17/2011 07:36 PM
That was a beautiful story which will never be used to mock you. Trust me.
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Funny
4 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213364
Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
10/17/2011 08:29 PM
Well, this certainly took an ugly turn!
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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π master 12,538 15
10/17/2011 08:40 PM
Though I did 5-orb you. :-)
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213370
Pubah... 56,851 18
10/17/2011 08:56 PM
Some quit while they're ahead...
...Others quit while they're an ass...
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Funny
4 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213384
Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/17/2011 11:30 PM
There's only one way that story could have ended better.
Neck tattoo!
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Funny
7 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213387
Bean 8,607 19
10/17/2011 11:39 PM
Neck tattoo!Misspelled ass tattoo!
Fixed
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213388
Drewcifer ♠♠♠ 46,366 58
10/17/2011 11:52 PM
What Brad said.
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Funny
7 votes
3.0
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Jeeni is ready for Halloweeni 47,815 51
10/17/2011 11:59 PM
I think I'm dyslexic. I read "What Braid Sad" and thought... what the hell does that mean?
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Funny
9 votes
3.6
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Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/18/2011 01:08 AM
T'odn yowrr tobua it, Neeji.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Midgets® 96,156 48
10/18/2011 01:29 AM
I read that without issue the first time through, but I'm not dyslexic.
Maybe I'm drunk.
My supervisor's gonna be pissed.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213474
Pubah... 56,851 18
10/18/2011 04:43 PM
Dyslexia can be a wonderful experience.
If Medicated properly
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213476
Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
10/18/2011 04:45 PM
I just realized I forgot to include the fact that Mike is, indeed, teh gay.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213479
Drewcifer ♠♠♠ 46,366 58
10/18/2011 04:50 PM
That's what my wife told her ex-husband when he asked who "Drew" was and why he kept sending her dirty text messages.
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Funny
10 votes
3.6
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213484
Nachos 57,521 23
10/18/2011 05:40 PM
It's probably what she'll tell you too.
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Funny
5 votes
3.2
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213487
Sprog - Kradot sok 9,049 12
10/18/2011 05:45 PM
I was really worried when I found out I had the 'big C'.
Dyslexia.
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Funny
8 votes
3.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213490
Midgets® 96,156 48
10/18/2011 06:02 PM
Is Mike aware you're not a guy?
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213491
Drewcifer ♠♠♠ 46,366 58
10/18/2011 06:15 PM
It's probably what she'll tell you too.
She's going to have to be a lot more creative than that. You can't bullShakespeare the bullShakespeareter.
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.1
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213492
Autra - Generic Unfunny Live Member 10,560 11
10/18/2011 06:32 PM
I'd worry a lot less about the bullShakespeare-ing and a lot more about her Frost-ing that other dude.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213495
Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
10/18/2011 07:07 PM
Holy craps! It's Autra!
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054213498
Dogs Akimbo 211,630 32
10/18/2011 07:55 PM
You shouldn't talk to him that way.
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Store
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