Death by Boy Scouting
A comedy article
by Vampire Chix  286,647  61
10/23/2011 07:39 AM 385 views
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I would like to begin this by saying I have done a lot of hiking the the past. Notice those last three words there? They are key.
Mr. Chickens, would you like to hike with the boy scout troup up to Mt. LaConte? You know what? I would, I think. It's been a while, but I used to love hiking.
Like any modern Joe, I did a bit of internet searching and came across this little gem.
So you hike, without the need for a backpack as there are cabins and chef prepared meals at the top? Bloody hell, yes, I'm in. I commit.
Until I got the details. You see, I was thinking like the whip-out-the-credit-card business man I am. I forgot that scouts rough it. We're they staying the the cozy cabins? No. Were they planning on eating the delicious meals? No. Were they even planning on staying on the mountain? No. What the horrid little monsters had planned was a one day round trip.
We took this trail up. It's worth the read if only to communicate the pain I was in. It was 32 degrees in the parking lot at Newfound Gap. I had worn a tee shirt to cut the grass at the house the day before. I was dressed for it and thank God it was that cool as that is probably the only reason I am alive today.
The first mile has like 1000 feet of climb. Not the most I had ever done, but the most I had ever done after 20 years sitting behind a desk all day. I was sooon so out of breath I had to drop out of the jack-rabbit group in the front and join the fatty mcfatty group in the rear. The rest at the top of that climb was like the best rum and coke you've ever had. Little did I know I had just done that large clickity clackity climb at the beginning of old roller coasters and the real danger was ahead.
I was feeling the burn in my long unused leg muscles. I was a bit impressed that despite the wheezing and near vomiting, I had conquered the mtn. Will over being-in-shape. Good philosophy sir.
Somewhere in the next mile I felt the first cramp. Just a small twinge in my right calf when I took an especially large step up over a boulder. Humm, I thought. I stretched a bit but nothing seemed amiss. Soon I was feeling that same twinge over and over every time I took a large step. I found I could over come it by keeping my leg flexed on the step up and walking only on my heels.
And thus ended mile 2.
What followed was a day of cramps, cold, a near constant running nose, walking through whiteout snow, and running on sheer will rather than fuel. The 8 miles to Mt. LaConte had me seriously doubting my decision to make this hike and also if I had really won the sperm race that first day of my life or had the others pushed me ahead and laughed behind my back.
We arrived at the lodge around 2 and sat in the main lodge to wolf down our MREs or whatever other pack food we had brought. On the wind was the smell of roasting bbq being prepared for the overnight guests. I hated the place. I wanted to abandon the little sprouts so bad and buy myself one of the cabins for the night so bad I could taste the three course meal that was on the wind.
But, did we stay like every other thinking person on the mountain. NOOOOOOO. We now set off on the 5 mile hike down down Alum Cave trail.
The Alum Cave Trail drops 2500 feet in 5 miles, which is to say, it's all downhill and mostly steep.
Now if you have ever done any hiking, you know that the cardio of the uphill hike isn't even half the pain you will feel. The constant pounding on your knees on the downhill side is like the alcohol swab your mother insisted on using on your scrapped leg after a bike wreck. The treatment was worse than the injury.
So, to cushion the blow to your knees, you keep your thighs in an almost constant state of tensing so the muscles take the impact of the steps.
Remember my calf cramps on the way up? Well they migrated.
What followed was two hours of almost constant thigh cramps with every step. They tell me there were heart-stopping views along the way. I could care less. I can't go into more detail than that as the tears make it hard to see the keyboard. Rest stops were worse than keeping on as the small cramps threatened to develop into full blown back breakers. I found it better to trudge on.
This morning I got out of bed and hobbled to take a whiz. Frankenstein's monster walked with more grace.
I may yet die. I'll have Hen post a note if I do.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
14 votes
3.8
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Vampire Chix 286,647  61
10/23/2011 07:40 AM
Cliff notes version: Chix took a 13 mile hike through the mountains with no training. Ouch.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Fartpuppy 5,142 13
10/23/2011 08:14 AM
I may yet die. I'll have Hen post a note if I do.
Oh good, deja vu.
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Hilarious
10 votes
4.1
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One of Chix's Scottish ancestors 211,630 32
10/23/2011 12:29 PM
Swatch at ye, ye pathetic wee loon. We hud tae donner twice as far tae gie a bevvy ay whiskey an' ye didne hear us greetin' abit it. Ye disgoost us!
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.0
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Thud 68,525 19
10/23/2011 08:16 PM
I read the title of this and immediately figured Chix was reporting on how Trixxie died.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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Vampire Chix 286,647 61
10/23/2011 08:20 PM
Heh, but I don't think Trix is a pedo.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Thud 68,525 19
10/23/2011 09:28 PM
I never said he was.
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Vampire Chix 286,647 61
10/24/2011 07:32 AM
Aha! Missed that. So an elite team of tenderfoots took him out as an afront to all things scouting. Got it.
Tenderfeets?
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.3
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Mega-KChiki vs Crocosaurus 128,451 98
10/24/2011 08:36 AM
If you're in trouble...and if you can find them...maybe you can hire...
THE BOY SCOUTS.
Daa da-daaaaa! Da da daaaaaaa! Da-da da da da daaaa! Dun da-da da daaaaaaaaa!
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Whistler 186,138 44
10/24/2011 07:08 PM
Ha ha. You're old.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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π master - Drunken technician-style 12,538 15
10/24/2011 09:00 PM
I would like to begin this by saying I have done a lot of hiking the the past. Notice those last three words there? They are key
"the the past"
These words are key.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.2
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Straw consumed by the fires of hell 98,023 37
10/25/2011 08:51 AM
The funny thing is that I wouldn't have even noticed the error if he hadn't asked us to specifically pay attention to that phrase.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Vampire Chix 286,647 61
10/25/2011 11:23 AM
Holy Shakespeare. Chix made a typo.
MARK THIS DAY!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
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suzy creamcheese 3,009 9
10/25/2011 03:30 PM
Duly marked, but now my anus itches.
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