Customer support representatives deal with incredibly stupid questions. That's part of the job description. But here's the true test of a company's customer support: how do they deal with the absolute stupidest questions?
To find out, I recently called the customer support lines for four popular smartphone providers: Verizon, Sprint, T-Mobile, and AT&T. For each provider, I called with the same stupid "problem": my friends had warned me about a virus called "System32," and I was trying to find and delete it.
As everyone knows (but I'm telling you anyway), "System32" is the main directory for Windows: delete it, and the computer doesn't run. Needless to say (but I'm saying it anyway), phones don't have System32.
Would they have sympathy on my stupidity, or would they just laugh at me?
Verizon
Verizon: Hello, I'm Tony, how can I help you today?
Dan Seitz: Hi, I'm trying to delete something off my iPhone and I can't find it.
Verizon: OK, sir, what are you trying to delete?
DS: Well, my friends told me about a virus called System32 that really slows down your computer. And you know, smartphones are computers, so I figured I should find it and delete it.
Verizon: [choked sound] I'm sorry, sir, let me just put you on hold for a minute while I find another technical support person.
[I was put on hold for a minute and thirty-three seconds -- I'm fairly sure just because he couldn't keep it together. But at least he didn't laugh in my face.]
Verizon: Hi, I'm Arthur. Tony told me you had a problem with System32?
DS: Well, I just can't find it.
Verizon: Sir, that's because System32 isn't a virus. System32 is what's called a computer registry.
DS: Oh. Doesn't my antivirus search for those?
Verizon: Yes, but those are different. Windows is nonfunctional without System32. It's a good one.
DS: Oh. Is it on my phone?
Verizon: No, sir. You have an iPhone. It's made by Apple, so it doesn't run Windows.
DS: But don't Apples...
Verizon: Don't worry sir, it's a completely different operating system. I'd advise you in the future to not listen to email forwards, sir, they're not great sources of technical advice.
DS: Great. Thanks a lot!
Verizon: You're welcome, and thanks for using Verizon.
Sprint
Sprint, of course, has no iPhone, making my question that much stupider.
Sprint: This is Bonnie with Sprint, how may I help you?
Dan Seitz: Hi, I heard about this virus called System32...
Sprint: That's a new one to me, sir. Let me just look that up. (After a few moments, I hear what sounds suspiciously like "Oh dear.") Sir, did you actually get this virus on your phone, or did you only hear about it through email or a friend?
DS: Well, I haven't been able to find it...
Sprint: Somebody is trying to make you ruin your computer, sir. I'm sure your friend meant well, but we advise with electronic devices to only pay attention to warnings from the manufacturer of the software or the hardware.
DS: You'll send me emails for my iPhone?
Sprint: [At this point, she almost loses it, but does an admirable job of making it sound like a cough.] I'm sure Apple will keep you aware of any problems, sir. Have a nice day.
DS: Thanks, you too.
T-Mobile
I found that T-Mobile has all the quality service you expect from a dying company that rips off Apple for its ads.
T-Mobile: Hi, this is John, thank you for using T-Mobile, how can I help you?
Dan Seitz: Hi, I'm trying to find something on my iPhone.
T-Mobile: I'm sorry, sir, did you say your iPhone?
DS: Yes, I have an iPhone. My brother set it up for me, but he's not available so I was wondering if you could help me.
T-Mobile: Sir, are you sure you're on T-Mobile?
DS: Well, I pay you a bill every month, so I sure hope so!
T-Mobile: Could I have your account number, sir?
[I'm put on hold for a few minutes]
T-Mobile: Hello, sir, I'm afraid we can't help you.
DS: Why not? I pay you for a service!
T-Mobile: Sir, your phone is illegal on our network...
DS: I didn't steal this phone!
T-Mobile: Sir, I don't mean it's stolen...
DS: You'd better not have. This cost me a lot of money!
T-Mobile: I'm sure it did, but, the problem is, sir, we don't support the iPhone. So somebody has to do something with it that changes the programming and voids the warranty.
DS: How can you void my warranty? I didn't buy the phone from you!
T-Mobile: Sir, we didn't void the warranty, you did, by changing the programming.
DS: Shouldn't that be on their website or something?
T-Mobile: I'm sure it is, sir, but the point is, we're not trained on the iPhone. It's not carried by us. So I can't help you. Maybe you should ask your brother.
DS: I'll bet he'll be more helpful.
T-Mobile: Goodbye.
DS: Bye.
AT&T
Finally, I moved on to AT&T, which is infamous for terrible coverage, and worse customer service. It didn't take long to find out why.
AT&T: AT&T Customer Help, this is Eric, how may I help you?
Dan Seitz: Hi, I'm trying to find System32 on my iPhone.
AT&T: I see, sir. Have you tried turning your iPhone off and then turning it back on?
DS: Will that make System32 visible on my phone?
AT&T: It should reboot everything on the phone, sir.
DS: OK, hold on a second. [I pretend to reboot.] No, still can't find it.
AT&T: Have you plugged your phone into a computer to find it?
DS: Well, no, I was told it was a virus on the computer I needed to remove, and iPhones are computers, so...
AT&T: You should plug your iPhone into your computer to find it.
DS: Wouldn't that just spread the virus to the computer?
AT&T: Please hold while I transfer you.
[Five minute transfer time]
AT&T: Hello, this is Scott, how can I help you?
DS: Hi, I'm looking for System32...
AT&T: I'm not familiar with that app, sir, maybe you should contact the developer.
DS: It's not an app, it's a virus.
AT&T: Sir, iPhones do not have any viruses [NOTE: Not true]
DS: Are you sure?
AT&T: Completely. But if you're worried about it, can I interest you in a protection plan if you don't currently already have one?
DS: No, thanks, I don't need one.
AT&T: Well, if you're concerned about viruses...
DS: I am.
AT&T: A protection plan is really the best...
DS: Look, I want to keep viruses away from my phone, OK?
AT&T: Of course, sir, which virus is it?
DS: System32.
AT&T: I'm not familiar with that, hold on. [Typing] I don't see that in our database. This is why I bring up the protection plan, because...
DS: I'm sorry, did I reach the sales department by mistake?
AT&T: No, you're in the customer support area.
DS: Just checking. So, what do you recommend I do?
AT&T: Well, first you should get a protection...
I hung up. Wouldn't you?
Final Results
When dealing with high levels of stupidity, Verizon is sensible, Sprint has a sense of humor, T-Mobile is a rules lawyer, and AT&T wants to upsell you.
For their incredibly stupid response to a stupid question, we proclaim AT&T the leader of our Stupidest Smartphone Customer Service experiment. Congratulations!
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