I really love full lips on a woman -- the bigger the better. You may not think you like big lips, but trust me, you do. Every significant sex symbol has to have above average lip thickness. It's a rule, like "Don't shower with your toaster." OK, lame example, but stop nitpicking and look at these lovely lips.
Get these women more strawberries, dammit!
Of course, women go through tons of lip scrutiny and even surgery to perfect their lips, but what about the hairier sex? Shouldn't men strive for perky puckers, too? Being a man of average sized lips, and less than average sized success with the ladies, I told myself it must be the lack of lippery that's been keeping me down with the dames.
Fortunately, they make products to reverse the curse. My mission: test drive Idol Lip limp plumper, then report my findings back to you, dear friend faithful reader person who mistakenly landed on this page looking for the article about limp plumpers. That's a different article. Move along.
First Lip-pressions
Sizing up the slim Idol Lip box, I was relatively optimisitc. It's distributed by Pacific Naturals, the makers of ... well, um, I'm sure they make something else. It's also made in the USA, which is great, because I'll be damned if I use any of that commie pinko lip plumper.
I read the box to see its first ingredient is something called Hydrogenated Polyisobutene. I was gonna look up what that is exactly, but then I remembered that's boring. Instead, I spent the next five minutes making up names and colorful background stories for the handful of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish I was snacking on.
Big words make Sam sleepy.
Before I began, I couldn't help but think of another example of how lip size matters: the never-ending supply of pursed-lip pictures on the internet. "Duckfaces" are the asinine poses usually struck by teenage girls in the mirror, but sadly, women of all ages seem to be prone to these displays of fake lip puffery.
Sensible people get bad chills when they see these pics.
Before I applied the first, um, application, I figured I'd try my own hand at duckfacery.
This guy saves money on chapstick.
Gotcha! Oh man, I really had you going, huh. OK, my lips are better than that. But trust me; it hurt me to take this next picture.
Is this how it's done, ladies? God, someone shoot me.
Then, it was time to get down to business. I decided to play it safe at first and dab a little bit of the clear shiny liquid on another part of my body -- sort of a control test, to make sure it was safe. I thought to myself: "Now which part of my body, besides my lips, could really use some plumping?" Ah yes, I had to go with the obvious choice -- the spot on the body that all men wish were bigger: the forearm.
With forearms like that, you know Popeye was bagging babes.
I spread it on, then waited.
A little dab will do me.
After a few minutes, I didn't really see any adverse reaction (nor did I see any Popeye-esque pipes), so I was ready to move to my fleshy straw-holders.
I applied the clear liquid to my lips as instructed, staying within my "natural lip line," a phrase that, as a heterosexual man, I was pretty sure I'd never have to learn.
As the package forewarned, I began to experience a warm, tingling sensation -- like watching A Charlie Brown Christmas with a pack of Altoids in your undies. The feeling was there, but were the lips any juicier? You be the judge.
Now it was time to take it out into the field, and watch the women swoon.
Next: Getting Lippy At Work!
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