I was testing the Idol Lip lip plumper on myself, to see how it would work on guys [read Part 1 here]. Now it was time to take my flappers into the field.
Getting Lippy at Work
After a few days of wearing the stuff without much public interaction (I was told Pepperidge Farm Goldfish don't count), I noticed the effect started to wear off about an hour after I applied it. Sure enough, the fine folks at Idol Lip recommend applying it one to three times a day. I figured I'd go for three times to make sure they stood out, and because, quite frankly, I was ready for a swarm of delicious women.
I took my new lips to the first place people always conduct a litmus test on their new look: the workplace. I have a fairly typical office job -- cubicles, break room, soul-enriching sense of fulfillment -- and I knew if word got out that I was wearing lip plumper, there could be a hubbub.
It was right around 9:00 a.m. when I went for my first dose of the day, and as bad luck would have it, a co-worker spotted me applying the stuff.
Linda's an older woman with a southerner's twang, and a northerner's knack for sarcasm. I also think she may have the hots for me. When she asked what I was doing, I said "Making my lips plump." But somehow she heard "pimp" instead of "plump," which then led to her referring to me as "Pimp Lips." I'm sure if I was a woman, I could sue for sexual harassment over that, but I'm a man, so I kinda liked it.
Linda gets in close for a bit of inter-office intrigue.
After dodging Linda's elderly advances (they're easier to dodge at that age), I decided I'd keep a low profile until lunchtime, or as I like to call it, "Sixty minutes of salvation via sandwich."
At lunch, I sat with a couple of attractive co-workers, Liz and Kristen, and one not-pretty-to-me-but-still-pretty-in-his-own-way-I'm-sure co-worker, Steve. Figuring they needed a little nudge to notice my new look, I kept making lip-related comments like "Boy, this Greek yogurt really tastes great on my lips!" and "Hey Steve, don't worry about stealing those toner cartridges, my lips are sealed on that one, buddy!"
Steve grows increasingly gruff as I work the word "lips" into my seventh straight sentence.
After my nose stopped bleeding, Steve apologized and I came clean to the crew. I whipped it out of my pants, dropped it on the table, and told them all to look at it: my tube of lip plumper. Then it was time to slap some moron, uh, whoops, I mean more on. Sorry about that, Steve.
This ordeal drew a few stares from some unsavory characters.
I was ready for a kiss. With a fresh coat of Idol Lip on, I turned to the fair-haired Kristen, and flashed her these pouty puppies.
Glossier than an 8x10 Sears portrait!
I prepared for an obscenely passionate smooch in front of a shocked break room, but she didn't even budge. She didn't say why she refrained, but I think it was because she didn't wanna risk an HR violation. I hear ya, girl. Sam be catchin' you on the flip side, ya dig?
Note: Apparently 70's jive talk is a side effect of Idol Lip.
Tough to say who felt more awkward here, but let's go with her.
Undaunted by the rejection from Kristen, I decided a second coat was necessary, and also a different target for my affection: Steve.
In case you're unsure, that's not a look of desire on Steve's face.
"Sam, I have a wife and kids," he barked when I scooched closer. "Plus I'm straight. Plus you're not my type. Plus we're at work. Plus you just ate tuna fish. Plus I like to French kiss, and I have a sneaking suspicion you wouldn't willingly receive my firm, wet tongue."
He had made his point -- elaborately so.
Conclusions
After a week of routinely rocking the Idol Lip lip plumper, I arrived at a trio of conclusions:
1. It gives a slight raise to your lips, most notably the all-important top lip. This is good.
2. It tingles and makes your lips very shiny. This is bad -- for men. Dudes have come a long way in exploring our feminine side, but gosh, I'm not sure women are ready yet for us to outshine their puckers.
3. People will notice your lips! Especially when you apply Idol Lip in front of them and have someone take pictures of the process and use the word "lips" in 79% of your sentences. That said, they still won't kiss you, and some will go into lengthy, painful explanations about why they find you so unappealing. Thanks a lot, Idol Lip!
With my battery of tests completed, I figured I'd set the bait one last time for a kiss with my new and plump-proved lips. A well-placed duckface with the originators of the move seemed destined for success.
I'm making your face! I'm making your face!
"Ya know, Betty, I see what he's doing there, but I think I'm saving myself for Steve."
Damn. Even that Hail Mary fell short. Well, you know what? Screw you guys. I'll eat these Goldfish all by myself.
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