The Bank of America Disgruntled Customer Survey
A comedy article
by Johnny Plankton  3,948  26
11/07/2011 11:28 PM 2073 views
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Woman hangs head in shame as she makes deposits (one for money, one for fees)
Bank of America customers are a lot like the women who go on The Jerry Springer Show -- you know, one of those cleverly entitled episodes like "SISTAH, THAT MAN HAS GOT TO GO!" -- to tell Jerry and his bloodthirsty denizens that her man is banging her best friend/sister/mother/brother/golden retriever. And if you can admit that you actually watch that crap, don't you find yourself screaming at the TV: "What is WRONG with you! Why would you EVER stay with someone who treats you like THAT?"
Bank of America manager demonstrates new late payment penalty to Jerry
That's kind of how I feel about Bank of America.
Honestly, how much crap has to be dumped on the crappee before they wake up and give the crapper the boot? Those women on Springer -- whose vision of the ideal man is one who never drinks before noon on weekdays, and only cheats on them with hookers (because that's not love) -- don't seem to know any better. They're what sociologists call "intellectually and socially disadvantaged" -- you know, trailer trash.
But what about the so-called "normal people" who willingly accept any and all humiliations from a bank that makes loan sharks look like the Sisters of Mercy? What about Bank of America's $15 monthly fee if your checking account balance drops below the GDP of Guam, or the $59 annual fee for using a credit card with a 19.9% APR, and the little-known "fellatio fee" (which goes into a hooker fund for bank executives)? If those don't stop you, WHAT THE FUNK WILL?
Bank of America customer brings umbrella to protect himself from being spit on by bank managers
So we recently decided to stand outside Bank of America branches, and quiz customers with the following survey:
Bank of America Customer Loyalty Survey
1) How long have you been a Bank of America customer?
a) More than 2 years
b) Less than 2 years
c) I'm too ashamed to say
2) What is the BEST thing about Bank of America?
a) Availability of ATMs
b) Friendly customer service
c) Decrease in traffic due to 30,000 Bank of America layoffs
3) What is your favorite fee from Bank of America?
a) $5/month debit card fee for using your money
b) $15/month checking account fee
c) $15 trillion taxpayer fee to be passed on to your children's children's children, and their children, if they get away with dumping their bad paper on the FDIC
4) Which of these Bank of America policy changes would you find most unacceptable?
a) Submitting DNA samples (blood, saliva, semen) for all withdrawals over $10
b) Leaving your children in a special vault until your check clears
c) Being slapped in the face with a dead fish by the teller for math errors on deposit slips
5) When are you going to smarten up and move your money?
Giving The Survey
After preparing our Bank of America Customer Loyalty Survey, we took it to the bank, to find out just how much people love the modern version of Mr. Potter's Bank.
It's not such a wonderful life.
We started out in Boston's Financial District at the 100 Federal Street headquarters of Bank of America, armed only with a clipboard and a mackerel:
What stinks more, Bank of America or dead fish?
We attempted to set up shop right in front of the building's main entrance, where we set to work to find out why these hard-working folks would keep their money in a place that treated them much in the way that a pimp treats his ho (although BoA doesn't give out crack).
Unfortunately, a bank as universally reviled as BoA needs a vigilant security force to keep ne'er-do-wells away from the gates, so they quickly sprang into action, telling us that we couldn't take pictures in front of the building. The security guard explained that not only did Bank of America own the building, they also owned the sidewalk.
As we attempted to explain high school civics to the gentleman, his supervisor appeared -- just like Batman does when the Penguin tries to take over the city. "You can't take pictures here, this is a federal building," he said in his best Hollywood-extra voice. Knowing that I was up against a mind fortified with a GED and eight hours of crime prevention training, I reminded him that it was not a "federal building," but instead a building located on Federal Street.
The security guards were making our interview subjects uncomfortable, so we repaired to the safety of the suburbs, and a local Bank of America branch located in Anytown, America.
Just in case anyone opts to get smacked with the mackerel
Once there, the interviewing commenced, and I had my greatest success with same women who seem attracted to me on eHarmony: middle-aged and pleasantly demented.
"I think I'd like to be slapped with a fish"
"Does this bank make me look fat?"
"If you don't stop farting sir, I can't answer your questions"
Survey Results
After a grueling day of interviews, we compiled our results, and here were our actual survey findings from real BoA customers:
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.3
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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Pubah... 55,067  17
11/08/2011 02:29 PM
And they wonder why social unrest is breaking out like a bad rash all over the nation.
Look, I just want the 285thousand dollars I'm on the hook for. Either create a job that will allow me to make that much in five or six years or cut me a check.
1.8 Trillion of the four Trillion this country is in debt went to them.
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Funny
5 votes
3.4
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Pie - The Drunken Turkey Master 12,516 15
11/08/2011 09:54 PM
Last week, I made the big credit union switch. Now instead of just taking it from big business, I'll get the reach-around from others with similar credit scores!
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Chuckleworthy
5 votes
2.6
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Underpants Gnomes 43 7
11/12/2011 02:34 PM
I honestly wish I could deposit my children in a bank vault.
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Funny
5 votes
3.6
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Dogs Akimbo 205,663 31
11/12/2011 03:01 PM
You must be new here. We're okay with locking children up; we're just sort of queasy about kidnapping them.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Mr. Mike Stuffs Your Turkey! 11,234 21
11/12/2011 05:36 PM
Careful Underpants Gnomes, they're also keen on eating babies.
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Amusing
1 votes
1.0
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Johnny Plankton 3,948 26
11/14/2011 07:36 AM
Careful Underpants Gnomes, they're also keen on eating babies.
That's part of the bonus structure for Bank of America. From what I understand, they kind of taste like chicken, only gamier.
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