I must be the new guinea pig for ZUG, because they recently delivered yet another curious product to my doorstep: a combination weight loss supplement/stress reliever called ReloraMAX. Never heard of it? Me neither.
Because it's in caps, I yell when I say the MAX part of ReloraMAX. I recommend you do the same.
According to the website, ReloraMAX "reduces stress," "eases anxiety," and "helps with weight loss." My mission was to take these odd little pills for a week, and see if my life did indeed become less stressful, even when putting myself in the most anxiety-producing situations imaginable. Here's what happened.
Part 1: Taking it to the MAX
Now I'm certainly not in their target market: I'm 6'1", 175 pounds -- pretty damn slender. I also tend to hide from stress, like pornos hide from plots. To illustrate both how skinny and how stress-free I am, here's a picture of me in my boxers playing Xbox.
Now, that is one carefree string bean of a man.
But my stress levels did begin to rise when I opened up the bottle. For starters, check out the expiration date!
Sketchy pills + expired product = ?
With this experiment starting in late October 2011, the fine folks at Pacific Naturals had managed to send me a bottle that was now past its prime. But really, how fresh does one need their Magnolia officinalis bark and rice powder?
But the concerns didn't end there. Once I opened up the bottle, I found something strange inside.
Aren't those the packets that come in shoeboxes?
One of those little packs of clear beads -- the kind you find in new products -- was swimming amidst the pills. "Do Not Eat" it says right there on the label. Yeah, let's go ahead and throw stuff you're not supposed to eat right next to the stuff you are. This was like some sort of lame Happy Meal.
I then pulled apart one of the actual capsules and examined the dietary danger dust that lay before me.
Magnolia officinalis bark and rice powder: Two great tastes, finally together!
Throwing my better judgment to the wind, I swallowed my first pill with a cup of water, triumphantly exclaiming "Go get em' ReloraMAX!" as I noted the subtle, sweet hints of magnolia officinalis. Oh ... wait. Never mind. That was the Lucky Charms I ate earlier in the day.
Part 2: Stress Trials
On the second day of taking ReloraMAX, I began to conduct some pseudo-scientific stress tests. The first challenge: a stressful movie. Having purposefully avoided The Human Centipede in previous years, I figured now -- jacked up on ReloraMAX -- was the perfect time to broaden my cinematic horizons.
I figured wrong.
The absolute worst way to have a threesome.
This surprisingly slick and unsurprisingly sick horror flick had me feeling frequent pangs of tension and stress. But by the end, the overriding feeling in my stomach wasn't stress, it was pure nausea. Was it the ReloraMAX, or was it the fact that I had just watched a movie about people getting their mouths sewn to other people's buttholes? Tough call there, but I'm going with the ReloraMAX.
While I was somewhat prepared for the subject matter of the film, I had no idea that the most vile, outrageous, stomach-churning scene would come out of leftfield. No, it wasn't the human centipede that sent me reeling; it was the psychotic surgeon's nude scene in the swimming pool. For the love of God, man! Did this movie really need extra filth?
THIS! This I was not prepared for!
After a restless night filled with naked German man flashbacks, I took the stress tests to the streets of Jacksonville, Florida -- not a bad place to test your nerves, given the fact that Jacksonville has Florida's highest crime rate. And that's saying something, because you know a lot of crazy crap happens in Florida. Like just last week, a dead alligator was found with a human arm and an iPhone 3G in its stomach. Can you believe that? An iPhone 3G! Not even an iPhone 3GS! In-freaking-sane.
Downtown Jacksonville is a nice place in the daytime, but at night, it clears out faster than a community pool with an old naked German guy swimming in it. Walking through this hollow city center was unnerving, with Walking Dead-like questions popping into my head: Where are all the people? What was that shadow? When the moon hits your eye like a pizza pie, is that really amore? ReloraMAX had failed the second test. I was stressed.
Dressed for success. Zombies like that.
You may not have gathered it from reading this piece, but comedy is one of my hobbies. So a few days later I figured I'd put ReloraMAX to one last test: an open mic night at the local comedy club -- clearly a situation that delivers stress. I popped a couple of pills about two hours before the show started, now with a tangible contempt for the product. With moments to go before I stepped on stage, my heart was racing; my brain was filled fears of failure, and yes, visions of the old naked German guy doing the breaststroke. ReloraMAX was doing nothing to dispel the anxiety.
Is there anything funnier than a comedian hopped up on ReloraMAX?
Fortunately, after a bumpy start, I rallied to get a smattering of courtesy laughs and applause. My existential material that forced the audience to analyze their sense of self-worth in society of incongruous stimuli didn't go over well, but they did seem to enjoy my farting penis joke. Go figure.
Part 3: Conclusions
I gotta admit, though I did lose just under two pounds, I didn't get an ounce of stress relief from ReloraMAX. It was only fitting that on the last day of using it, I walked into the most stressful situation of them all: peeing in between two guys at a divider-less urinal.
These are the moments I cringe for.
I came away from the ReloraMAX experiment unimpressed with its stress-relieving abilities, taste, and its expiration date. However, there was one product which I did gain a newfound respect for. A substance that calms nerves, tastes amazing, and even has a sort of magical quality to it:
Charms of luck. Delicious.
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Gonzo 20,504  16
11/16/2011 06:36 PM
Alright... these articles seem to be degenerating into: "Let's take concept, Not really test it at all, and try to post a funny article about it!"
I mean, c'mon. You might as well not even buy the freakin' pills if you're just going to throw them out. At least when John was doing this stuff, he actually made an effort to test the outrageous claims.
Ok. Let's see if we can't inject some funny into this thread...
(hee-hee... I said: "inject some funneh!")
umm....
I like when I poop and it has some of the texture of the food it used to be. Like popcorn. Nothing's better than a nice, extended popcorn poop. I mean, you know what you're getting rid of, there, and there's even a hint of the original aroma for the benefit of those around you... If you happen to be in a public restroom. Or, if you routinely employ an audience for such functions.
Farts, vaginas, boners, and (not exclusive to the previous list) smelly things in general are also funny.
That is all.
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